Top 160 Maria Semple Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “You know how I said your subconscious is a deep-down part of you that sometimes has bad ideas?” I said to Timby. “This isn’t that. This is me, your mom, doing something I know full well is a bad idea.”

— Maria Semple

102. “On the drive home, I started playing my new flute. Mom never lets me play in the car because she’s afraid someone might crash into us and my flute will impale me into the seat. I find that ridiculous, because how could that even happen?”

— Maria Semple

103. “Bernadette and her enthusiasm were like a hippo and water: get between them and you’ll be trampled to death.”

— Maria Semple

104. “I need you to know how hard it is for me sometimes.” Mom had her hand on mine. “What’s hard?” “The banality of life,” she said. “But it won’t keep me from taking you to the South Pole.” “We’re not going to the South Pole!” “I know. It’s a hundred below zero at the South Pole. Only scientists go to the South Pole. I started reading one of the books.”

— Maria Semple

105. “Bucky,” Lester said. “The other night I started to explain to someone your philosophy on Southern accents, but all I could remember was that it defied logic.” “Southern accents are hillbilly,” Bucky said with petulance. “Anyone with a proper education, I don’t care if he’s never stepped foot out of the South, doesn’t go around sounding like Jubilation T. Cornpone. If he does, it’s a put-on. And please, I’m in no mood to rehash the obvious.”

— Maria Semple

106. “Today I will be my best self, the person I’m capable of being. Today will be different.”

— Maria Semple

107. “I’m just saying, when things are bad, there’s nobody better to have in your corner than Mom.”

— Maria Semple

108. “I don’t know if it’s possible to feel everything all at once, so much that you think you’re going to burst.”

— Maria Semple

109. “As Violet had put it, You can’t secretly abort your husband’s baby because you think he’s retarded and expect to stay happily married.”

— Maria Semple

110. “The only thing you can blame Elgie for is he makes life look so damn simple: do what you love. In his case, that means working, spending.”

— Maria Semple

111. “You spent ten years of your life and billions of dollars inventing something so people don’t have to live their own lives. Mom found a way of doing it for seventy-five cents an hour.”

— Maria Semple

112. “I don’t mean to ruin the ending for you, sweet child, but life is one long headwind. To make any kind of impact requires self-will bordering on madness. The world will be hostile, it will be suspicious of your intent, it will misinterpret you, it will inject you with doubt, it will flatter you into self-sabotage. My God, I’m making it sound so glamorous and personal! What the world is, more than anything? It’s indifferent.”

— Maria Semple

113. “When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras.”

— Maria Semple

114. “The world will be hostile, it will be suspicious of your intent, it will misinterpret you, it will inject you with doubt, it will flatter you into self-sabotage. My God, I’m making it sound so glamorous and personal! What the world is, more than anything? It’s indifferent.”

— Maria Semple

115. “Oh, didn’t I tell you?” she said. “I’m going to move to Wallingford and rent a house off campus. I already got a job working in the Choate dining hall.”

— Maria Semple

116. “Attached please find a scan of an emergency room bill I suppose I should pay. One of the gnats at Galer Street claims I ran over her foot at pickup. I would laugh at the whole thing, but I’m too bored. See, that’s why I call the mothers there “gnats.” Because they’re annoying, but not so annoying that you actually want to spend valuable energy on them.”

— Maria Semple

117. “But you have a vision. You put a frame around it. You sign your name anyway. That’s the risk. That’s the leap. That’s the madness: thinking anyone’s going to care.”

— Maria Semple

118. “Bernadette pulled the car over, took off her seat belt, and turned around. “That’s right,” she told the girls. “You’re bored. And I’m going to let you in on a little secret about life. You think it’s boring now? Well, it only gets more boring. The sooner you learn it’s on you to make life interesting, the better off you’ll be.”

— Maria Semple

119. “I think it was Oscar Wilde who said, You wouldn’t care about what other people thought about you if you realized how seldom they actually did.”

— Maria Semple

120. “I need you to know how hard it is for me sometimes.’ Mom had her hand on mine. ‘What’s hard?’ ‘The banality of life,’ she said. ‘But it won’t keep me from taking you to the South Pole.”

— Maria Semple

121. “Audrey Griffin’s eyes were wild, and she had a big smile as usual, and she was shaking a piece of paper at us. Her gray hair was coming out of its ponytail, and she was wearing clogs, and under her down vest you could see the pleats on her jeans bulging out. It was hard not to watch.”

— Maria Semple

122. “But with every step, I felt my anger falling way. Underneath that anger: fear. In the middle of one of her self-help phases, Ivy had once proclaimed that all anger was fear. I’d long since wondered what, if anything, was underneath all fear.”

— Maria Semple

123. “For the past twenty years I’ve been in training for overwintering at the South Pole! I knew I was up to something.”

— Maria Semple

124. “Judging from the contents of her shopping cart – imported cheese, organic raspberries, fruit wash spray – she is the exact quality of parent we need at Galer Street. I saw her in the parking lot. She was driving a Lexus. Not a Mercedes, but close enough!”

— Maria Semple

125. “In extreme cases, a person’s coping mechanisms can be so inadequate that the stressor causes a psychotic break.”

— Maria Semple

126. “There’s a saying,” Dad said. “When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras.”

— Maria Semple

127. “Bee exhibits extraordinary concentration when working alone; when working in a group, she is a quiet and confident leader.”

— Maria Semple

128. “Upon arrival, I identified myself as Seattle PD. I attempted to pull Ms. Griffin off the teddy bear, which appeared to be causing her acute distress.”

— Maria Semple

129. “Twinkling joyous sunlight; airy, giggling cloud wisps; blinding columns of sun. Orbs of gold, pink, flesh, utterly cheesy in their luminosity. Gigantic puffy clouds, welcoming, forgiving, repeating infinitely across the horizon as if between mirrors;.”

— Maria Semple

130. “When your eyes are softly focused on the horizon for sustained periods, your brain releases endorphins.”

— Maria Semple

131. “An added bonus of having a drunk for a father is that in order to survive, I became freakishly attuned to subtle body language and inflections. Joe calls this heightened perception my “witchly powers.”

— Maria Semple

132. “But once Violet saw the inherent sadness in one thing, she couldn’t stop.”

— Maria Semple

133. “How do I break it to you that people aren’t predictable? That life is confounding and sadistic in its cruelty?”

— Maria Semple

134. “You’ve traded vocabulary, lucidity, and memory for motherhood.”

— Maria Semple

135. “20. Mr. Koenig reports that he observed a variety of drug paraphernalia, including, but not limited to, “bongs, bindles, rolling papers, prescription drug bottles, roach clips, one-hitters, pinchies, rigs, works, spoons, and an ‘epic vape.’” A visual scan of the room indicated no controlled substances other than “shake and seeds on the mini-fridge.”

— Maria Semple

136. “TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 16 From: Bernadette Fox To: Manjula Kapoor.”

— Maria Semple

137. “What’s that?” I asked Ryan. “Straight Gate,” he said. “It was a Catholic school for wayward girls built at the turn of the century.”

— Maria Semple

138. “I’m trying. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.”

— Maria Semple

139. “There’s a story that during the filming of Apocalypse Now, Francis Ford Coppola had a sign on his trailer: “Fast, Cheap, Good: Pick Two.”

— Maria Semple

140. “We drove past the rail yards on Elliott Bay with the huge orange cranes that look like drinking ostriches standing sentry over thousands of stacked shipping containers. When I was little, I asked Mom what all those containers were. She said ostrich eggs filled with Barbie dolls. Even though I don’t play with Barbies anymore, it still gets me excited to think of that many Barbies. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around much.” It was Dad again. “You’re around.”

— Maria Semple

141. “That’s where I really failed your mom,” he said. “She was an artist who had stopped creating. I should have done everything I could to get her back.”

— Maria Semple

142. “I wished I’d never made the connection about Dad being a gigantic girl, because once you realize something like that, it’s hard to go back.”

— Maria Semple

143. “When I said my dad worked at Microsoft, they openly mocked me. I had a PC and listened to music on my Zune. What is that thing? people would ask in the most offended way, like I had just taken a huge stinky poop and stuck earbuds into it.”

— Maria Semple

144. “Sometimes Victory knocks on your window even though you never sent out an invitation.”

— Maria Semple

145. “OUTDOORSY DAD: Bing’s better.”

— Maria Semple

146. “Ollie-O was right about buzz being “viral.” Today at Whole Foods, a woman I didn’t even recognize recognized me and said she was looking forward to my brunch. Judging from the contents of her shopping cart – imported cheese, organic raspberries, fruit wash spray – she is the exact quality of parent we need at Galer Street. I saw her in the parking lot. She was driving a Lexus. Not a Mercedes, but close enough! Did you hear? Shipping a sick child off to boarding school! Why am I not surprised?”

— Maria Semple

147. “Know what one of the guys at the drive-through Starbucks has on his forearm?” Bernadette said. “A paper clip! It used to be so daring to get a tattoo. And now people are tattooing office supplies on their bodies.”

— Maria Semple

148. “For a quick trip around the bases, it means you blame yourself for everything, you avoid reality, you can’t trust people, you’re hungry to please. Which isn’t all bad: perfectionism makes the straight-A student; lack of trust begets self-sufficiency; low self-esteem can be a terrific motivator; if everyone were so gung-ho on reality, there’d be no art.”

— Maria Semple

149. “But fear not: I do underdog.”

— Maria Semple

150. “Will you stop treating this as a joke?” Dad told Mom. “I look at you, Bernadette, and I’m scared. You won’t talk to me. You won’t go to a doctor. You’re better than this.” “Dad,” I said, “stop freaking out.” “Yeah, really,” Kennedy said. “Happy birthday to me.” There was a moment of quiet, then me and Kennedy burst into giggles. “I’m, like, happy birthday to me,” Kennedy said, which triggered another fit of laughter.”

— Maria Semple