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Top 160 Maria Semple Quotes (2025 Update)
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Maria Semple Quote: “Ollie-O was right about buzz being “viral.” Today at Whole Foods, a woman I didn’t even recognize recognized me and said she was looking forward to my brunch. Judging from the contents of her shopping cart – imported cheese, organic raspberries, fruit wash spray – she is the exact quality of parent we need at Galer Street. I saw her in the parking lot. She was driving a Lexus. Not a Mercedes, but close enough! Did you hear? Shipping a sick child off to boarding school! Why am I not surprised?”

151. “Ollie-O was right about buzz being “viral.” Today at Whole Foods, a woman I didn’t even recognize recognized me and said she was looking forward to my brunch. Judging from the contents of her shopping cart – imported cheese, organic raspberries, fruit wash spray – she is the exact quality of parent we need at Galer Street. I saw her in the parking lot. She was driving a Lexus. Not a Mercedes, but close enough! Did you hear? Shipping a sick child off to boarding school! Why am I not surprised?”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “Know what one of the guys at the drive-through Starbucks has on his forearm?” Bernadette said. “A paper clip! It used to be so daring to get a tattoo. And now people are tattooing office supplies on their bodies.”

152. “Know what one of the guys at the drive-through Starbucks has on his forearm?” Bernadette said. “A paper clip! It used to be so daring to get a tattoo. And now people are tattooing office supplies on their bodies.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “But fear not: I do underdog.”

153. “But fear not: I do underdog.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “Will you stop treating this as a joke?” Dad told Mom. “I look at you, Bernadette, and I’m scared. You won’t talk to me. You won’t go to a doctor. You’re better than this.” “Dad,” I said, “stop freaking out.” “Yeah, really,” Kennedy said. “Happy birthday to me.” There was a moment of quiet, then me and Kennedy burst into giggles. “I’m, like, happy birthday to me,” Kennedy said, which triggered another fit of laughter.”

154. “Will you stop treating this as a joke?” Dad told Mom. “I look at you, Bernadette, and I’m scared. You won’t talk to me. You won’t go to a doctor. You’re better than this.” “Dad,” I said, “stop freaking out.” “Yeah, really,” Kennedy said. “Happy birthday to me.” There was a moment of quiet, then me and Kennedy burst into giggles. “I’m, like, happy birthday to me,” Kennedy said, which triggered another fit of laughter.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “The only way to get to Antarctica is by cruise ship. Even the smallest one has 150 passengers, which translates into me being trapped with 149 other people who will uniquely annoy the hell out of me.”

155. “The only way to get to Antarctica is by cruise ship. Even the smallest one has 150 passengers, which translates into me being trapped with 149 other people who will uniquely annoy the hell out of me.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “Manjula,” the Internet assistant, had stolen all his miles on American Airlines last week.”

156. “Manjula,” the Internet assistant, had stolen all his miles on American Airlines last week.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “He wasn’t fat, exactly. He reminded Eleanor of how papayas swelled during the rainy season or the way Greg Gumbel looked like someone had taken a bicycle pump to Bryant Gumbel.”

157. “He wasn’t fat, exactly. He reminded Eleanor of how papayas swelled during the rainy season or the way Greg Gumbel looked like someone had taken a bicycle pump to Bryant Gumbel.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “Anytime I get into a one-on-one social situation, especially if there’s something at stake, my anxiety spikes. I talk fast. I jump topics unexpectedly. I say shocking things.”

158. “Anytime I get into a one-on-one social situation, especially if there’s something at stake, my anxiety spikes. I talk fast. I jump topics unexpectedly. I say shocking things.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “I can feel the irrationality and anxiety draining my store of energy like a battery-operated racecar grinding away in the corner. This is the energy I will need to get through the next day. But I just lie in bed and watch it burn, and with it any hope for a productive tomorrow. There go the dishes, there goes the grocery store, there goes exercise, there goes bringing in the garbage cans. There goes basic human kindness.”

159. “I can feel the irrationality and anxiety draining my store of energy like a battery-operated racecar grinding away in the corner. This is the energy I will need to get through the next day. But I just lie in bed and watch it burn, and with it any hope for a productive tomorrow. There go the dishes, there goes the grocery store, there goes exercise, there goes bringing in the garbage cans. There goes basic human kindness.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “If I’m forced to be honest, here’s an account of how I left the world last week: worse, worse, better, worse, same, worse, same. Not an inventory to make one swell with pride. I don’t necessarily need to make the world a better place, mind you. Today, I will live by the Hippocratic oath: first do no harm. How.”

160. “If I’m forced to be honest, here’s an account of how I left the world last week: worse, worse, better, worse, same, worse, same. Not an inventory to make one swell with pride. I don’t necessarily need to make the world a better place, mind you. Today, I will live by the Hippocratic oath: first do no harm. How.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “And don’t get me started on Canadians. It’s a whole thing.”

161. “And don’t get me started on Canadians. It’s a whole thing.”

— Maria Semple

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