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Top 160 Maria Semple Quotes (2026 Update)
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Maria Semple Quote: “Audrey Griffin’s eyes were wild, and she had a big smile as usual, and she was shaking a piece of paper at us. Her gray hair was coming out of its ponytail, and she was wearing clogs, and under her down vest you could see the pleats on her jeans bulging out. It was hard not to watch.”

151. “Audrey Griffin’s eyes were wild, and she had a big smile as usual, and she was shaking a piece of paper at us. Her gray hair was coming out of its ponytail, and she was wearing clogs, and under her down vest you could see the pleats on her jeans bulging out. It was hard not to watch.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “For the past twenty years I’ve been in training for overwintering at the South Pole! I knew I was up to something.”

152. “For the past twenty years I’ve been in training for overwintering at the South Pole! I knew I was up to something.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “In extreme cases, a person’s coping mechanisms can be so inadequate that the stressor causes a psychotic break.”

153. “In extreme cases, a person’s coping mechanisms can be so inadequate that the stressor causes a psychotic break.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “And don’t get me started on Canadians. It’s a whole thing.”

154. “And don’t get me started on Canadians. It’s a whole thing.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “The world will be hostile, it will be suspicious of your intent, it will misinterpret you, it will inject you with doubt, it will flatter you into self-sabotage. My God, I’m making it sound so glamorous and personal! What the world is, more than anything? It’s indifferent.”

155. “The world will be hostile, it will be suspicious of your intent, it will misinterpret you, it will inject you with doubt, it will flatter you into self-sabotage. My God, I’m making it sound so glamorous and personal! What the world is, more than anything? It’s indifferent.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “Ollie-O was right about buzz being “viral.” Today at Whole Foods, a woman I didn’t even recognize recognized me and said she was looking forward to my brunch. Judging from the contents of her shopping cart – imported cheese, organic raspberries, fruit wash spray – she is the exact quality of parent we need at Galer Street. I saw her in the parking lot. She was driving a Lexus. Not a Mercedes, but close enough! Did you hear? Shipping a sick child off to boarding school! Why am I not surprised?”

156. “Ollie-O was right about buzz being “viral.” Today at Whole Foods, a woman I didn’t even recognize recognized me and said she was looking forward to my brunch. Judging from the contents of her shopping cart – imported cheese, organic raspberries, fruit wash spray – she is the exact quality of parent we need at Galer Street. I saw her in the parking lot. She was driving a Lexus. Not a Mercedes, but close enough! Did you hear? Shipping a sick child off to boarding school! Why am I not surprised?”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “Will you stop treating this as a joke?” Dad told Mom. “I look at you, Bernadette, and I’m scared. You won’t talk to me. You won’t go to a doctor. You’re better than this.” “Dad,” I said, “stop freaking out.” “Yeah, really,” Kennedy said. “Happy birthday to me.” There was a moment of quiet, then me and Kennedy burst into giggles. “I’m, like, happy birthday to me,” Kennedy said, which triggered another fit of laughter.”

157. “Will you stop treating this as a joke?” Dad told Mom. “I look at you, Bernadette, and I’m scared. You won’t talk to me. You won’t go to a doctor. You’re better than this.” “Dad,” I said, “stop freaking out.” “Yeah, really,” Kennedy said. “Happy birthday to me.” There was a moment of quiet, then me and Kennedy burst into giggles. “I’m, like, happy birthday to me,” Kennedy said, which triggered another fit of laughter.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “I’m trying. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.”

158. “I’m trying. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “We drove past the rail yards on Elliott Bay with the huge orange cranes that look like drinking ostriches standing sentry over thousands of stacked shipping containers. When I was little, I asked Mom what all those containers were. She said ostrich eggs filled with Barbie dolls. Even though I don’t play with Barbies anymore, it still gets me excited to think of that many Barbies. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around much.” It was Dad again. “You’re around.”

159. “We drove past the rail yards on Elliott Bay with the huge orange cranes that look like drinking ostriches standing sentry over thousands of stacked shipping containers. When I was little, I asked Mom what all those containers were. She said ostrich eggs filled with Barbie dolls. Even though I don’t play with Barbies anymore, it still gets me excited to think of that many Barbies. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around much.” It was Dad again. “You’re around.”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “I’ll go nuts inside. He gets to keep creating, and I’m the one who’s still in pieces?”

160. “I’ll go nuts inside. He gets to keep creating, and I’m the one who’s still in pieces?”

— Maria Semple

Maria Semple Quote: “Upon arrival, I identified myself as Seattle PD. I attempted to pull Ms. Griffin off the teddy bear, which appeared to be causing her acute distress.”

161. “Upon arrival, I identified myself as Seattle PD. I attempted to pull Ms. Griffin off the teddy bear, which appeared to be causing her acute distress.”

— Maria Semple

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