Top 60 Mark Tufo Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “They say drinking alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, well, neither does drinking milk.”

— Mark Tufo

2. “Beside wearing too short shorts and a tight wife beater t-shirt, plus driving in a lime green Gremlin, the day was going exceedingly well.”

— Mark Tufo

3. “Tommy might be a boy in outer appearance but he was 500 years my senior and significantly more powerful than me. “We” had a serious problem really meant, “I” had a serious problem.”

— Mark Tufo

4. “The paths of most of our lives, if mapped out with string, would look a lot like Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov’s Flight of the Bumblebee, as we flitted from random event to random event, making chance encounters with countless numbers of people.”

— Mark Tufo

5. “Careful, the number one cause of accidental shootings is careful aim.”

— Mark Tufo

6. “I was still trying to get my adrenaline levels down to an acceptable level. If a cop gave me a sobriety test right now, I would look like a meth addict in the midst of a giant tweaking.”

— Mark Tufo

7. “This soul has no inherent stain except for the one you have bestowed upon it, as the Book of Revelations states, you have no claim on this soul and will relinquish all rights to it.”

— Mark Tufo

8. “You’re delusional, sister, these people you hunt down have done nothing to you.” “I did not create this plague.” “Yes, but you are taking advantage of it.”

— Mark Tufo

9. “My momma always said crackers were crazy, something about their white skin not being able to stop the sun from cooking their brains.”

— Mark Tufo

10. “Unfortunately, I didn’t think it was this ‘new world’ that brought out the shittier side of humans. We have always had it in us. Why is man so fundamentally flawed? Does it really go back to knowledge and that stupid apple Eve just had to have? I would have rather been a noble savage. Thanks, Eve, for ruining it for the rest of us.”

— Mark Tufo

11. “I can’t imagine a cure, but they’ll have inoculation. They have to offer something to get the survivors to become subservient to them. Probably something that needs a booster shot as well.” “So instead of a true vaccination, it will be something like a tetanus shot?” “You’re getting it now. Otherwise it would be like making a light bulb that never burns out.” “Your husband was in on this?”

— Mark Tufo

12. “Men, by nature, are built for win or lose. We can deal with either scenario, sometimes poorly, other times with dignified grace. But we need to win or we need to lose.”

— Mark Tufo

13. “There’s not a woman alive that will let the facts get in the way of them winning an argument.”

— Mark Tufo

14. “A spider can practice looking cuddly its entire life; still not going to change anything. I can’t believe you’re trying to kill me.”

— Mark Tufo

15. “I know my imagination can be like a three-year-old on Red Bull and still I feed it.”

— Mark Tufo

16. “Cats mewling in the middle of the night combined with evil clowns dragging long, black crusted fingernails over a chalkboard would not have been able to rival the sound that assailed our ears. It.”

— Mark Tufo

17. “Michael Talbot yet lives, Mr. Black,” Simon Peter said to the dark entity before him. Mr. Black produced a large dark ledger from his robes. He spent a moment shifting through the voluminous pages. “Ah, here it is. That is impossible. I collected him on October 11th at 3:33 am. I can most assuredly tell you he is where he should be.” Simon Peter swept his arm, a vision of a small ranch home came into view, more importantly the lone figure sitting on the couch reading the Bible.”

— Mark Tufo

18. “My quasi-nightmare dream had come true. ZOMBIES were afoot.”

— Mark Tufo

19. “Women are smarter.” “Well, I mean, I know that. I guess I just didn’t realize how much more.”

— Mark Tufo

20. “Man is so malleable and will do almost anything to anyone to get ahead. They are so wrapped up in themselves that they fail to realize just how little time they will walk the earth.”

— Mark Tufo

21. “I just couldn’t see it being worth the bikers’ trouble getting in here. We’d already bled them so much. I guess when you have nothing more to lose, what’s the difference? That’s what made them scary. I almost got the feeling they wanted to die.”

— Mark Tufo

22. “Love for people is a myth. It is a weakness that allows us to be exploited.”

— Mark Tufo

23. “I’m sorry Trip. I lost my mind for a second.” “Oh... don’t worry about it, I’ve lost mine for considerably longer.”

— Mark Tufo

24. “A spider can practice looking cuddly its entire life; still not going to change anything.”

— Mark Tufo

25. “It was brutal acting this nonchalant. I was revved up like an ADD sufferer at a kaleidoscope convention.”

— Mark Tufo

26. “What’s your last name?” “Waggoner.” Dennis shifted around to put his briefs and pants back on. “What’s your story?” “I bet yours is more interesting, but I’ll give you the short of it,” he told her. “I was staying at my dad’s.”

— Mark Tufo

27. “BT barely registered my existence as I pulled the gun from his hand. He looked up at me with a tear-soaked face. “I’ve been bit, Mike,” BT sobbed.”

— Mark Tufo

28. “I killed the cheating bastard. Who knows, maybe if I’d done it a few days sooner, I could have prevented all of this. But where would the fun be in that? I would have missed out on all this,” she said, taking her hands off the steering wheel spreading her arms wide.”

— Mark Tufo

29. “I was now secretly wondering if perhaps Ship-Sized-Shoe-Stephanie, who couldn’t cook but could apparently keep an ancient vehicle finely tuned may or may not be of the feminine persuasion. Again it made absolutely no difference to me, just fodder for my thoughts.”

— Mark Tufo

30. “That person fearing for his life went to the beer section, which again is admirable, beer is the nectar of the gods. Then grabs Keystone Light? Are you kidding me? I’d rather eat the can than drink those contents.”

— Mark Tufo

31. “Ah, precocious kids, don’t you just want to throw them up against a wall and see if they stick?”

— Mark Tufo

32. “Tomas had finally come to the realization of who – and more importantly what – his sister had become. No amount of reasoning, pleading, begging, or crying would change that. She had become a monster to rival anything ever produced in the pages of a book or on the cells of a film.”

— Mark Tufo

33. “I grabbed some sani-wipes from Tracy and cleaned off my hands as best I could, and then drizzled whiskey over them. If it didn’t kill the germs, at least it would get them drunk enough to be cooperative.”

— Mark Tufo

34. “It was a cold Old Milwaukee in a can, not necessarily my favorite. But I had adopted a new beer credo for the end of times: my new favorite beers were, first, free ones, and secondly, cold ones.”

— Mark Tufo

35. “All of us are flawed. It is our responsibility to find ways around those inherent issues.”

— Mark Tufo

36. “Dad, I think there’re zombies,” Travis said. And then I caught the caustic whiff of malodor. “It’s Henry.” Tommy pointed. Henry was busy trying to send carpet fibers over his latest creation as his back paws scraped at the industrial rug.”

— Mark Tufo

37. “My name is Captain Najarian. Most of what’s left of my platoon just call me Cap.” He extended a hand to help Doc up. “The shooter is Corporal Hildie. Her illegal fraternizing partner next to her is Lieutenant Butz. Just call him ‘Buzz’ or he gets mad. This is my wife Dina,” he said, introducing the woman to his right. “And then there’s Chaplin. We think he might be prior military, but since he hasn’t said a word in the two months we’ve known him, we don’t have a clue.”

— Mark Tufo

38. “You whip these people up in a blender and you could make peanut butter.”

— Mark Tufo

39. “Mike, as the only black member of this dysfunctional group, I’m truly amazed that I’m still alive. I mean I’ve watched almost every horror movie ever made, and without fail, if a man of color is in the movie, he dies first. In recent years, however, it has gotten somewhat better. Now, we sometimes make it to second killed, after the ditzy blonde, but I’ve got to imagine that a brother’s life expectancy in any horror setting is generally a couple of hours, at most.”

— Mark Tufo

40. “I did it because I stood a better chance of surviving with them than without them. Not because I have any personal affinity for either one. I think your brother-in-law is a dolt personally, and BT was just your husband’s lackey. Without Mike directing him, he is as unsure of himself as an eighteen-year-old virgin with a hooker. Now Michael I miss, that was a man that could get out of a jam, smart enough to know what to do and dumb enough to do it himself.”

— Mark Tufo

41. “I was moving like an epileptic on crack – shitloads of movement with no purpose – but.”

— Mark Tufo

42. “The van started as John had promised, and it sounded good, but was about as useless as tits on a turtle if we couldn’t get out of the garage.”

— Mark Tufo

43. “This was killing me to ask, and I knew I didn’t even want the answer. “How long?” “Dad, BT might be days away. I figure I’ve got a week or two at the tops.” And there it was, my heart was wrenching in my chest. It felt like my rib cage was crushing in on itself like I had a working garbage disposal in there. We were coming full circle to that time in my office the night he had been scratched going.”

— Mark Tufo

44. “Not sure if this was an angle Glade would want to use – ‘NEW Gas scented plug-ins for all your zombie stench needs. Is Grandma’s rotting corpse beginning to embarrass you? Do guests avoid coming to your house because of the decomposing children? Whisk away those horrible odors with our new GAS plug-ins, now available in Diesel and Oil.”

— Mark Tufo

45. “Fine, just don’t get shot again,” she told me as she grabbed her backpack. Really? I thought. Wouldn’t that kind of be the first thing I would avoid? That’s like saying, ‘Don’t let that train hit you’. Or, ‘don’t let the chainsaw-wielding madman disembowel you’. Or better yet ‘Contents of Coffee Cup are extremely hot, do not pour in lap’.”

— Mark Tufo

46. “Pretty lady. Why are you crying? My mom says crying makes your asscarrots run,” Angel said.”

— Mark Tufo

47. “Why didn’t I listen to my drill instructor from boot camp? He told us flat out, ‘Don’t EVER volunteer for anything! If you’re picked you go, but don’t EVER volunteer your worthless lives!’ Words to live by.”

— Mark Tufo

48. “If you can’t beat em. Become as crazy as a fuckin’ loon and enjoy the ride.”

— Mark Tufo

49. “Somehow it seemed nobler to die naked like a savage than with a terry cloth towel around my waist.”

— Mark Tufo

50. “Kids are nearly insane. Doubt me? Think of all the asinine things they do. What won’t they put in their mouths? What won’t they dive off of? What situations won’t they put themselves in? Why do you think parents go prematurely gray or bald? Because it takes a lot of effort to keep crazy Cathy and insane Isaac from running into traffic with nothing more on than a pair of wet diapers and sand pails on their heads.”

— Mark Tufo