Top 35 Michael R. Burch Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “If brevity is the soul of wit then brevity and levity are the whole of it.”

— Michael R. Burch

2. “Donald Trump has taken the Peter Principle to unprecedented heights. Or is it depths?”

— Michael R. Burch

3. “I lived as best I could, and then I died. Be careful where you step: the grave is wide.”

— Michael R. Burch

4. “There’s no better tonic for other people’s bad ideas, than to think for oneself.”

— Michael R. Burch

5. “Trump claims he’d be the “best jobs president that God ever created.” But isn’t his claim to fame firing people?”

— Michael R. Burch

6. “Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.”

— Michael R. Burch

7. “Donald Trump really is a fan of the Bible, except that it’s far too long for him to read. So he just released a new, improved version, the Gospel According to Trump. It reads: “I, Donald Trump, am God. Praise, worship, and adore Me as I do Myself. Then all shall be Great, as I am Great. The End.””

— Michael R. Burch

8. “Donald Trump just announced that if Republicans don’t treat him fairly, he will resurrect the Whig party and run as its hair apparent.”

— Michael R. Burch

9. “Perhaps love doesn’t make the world go round, but it makes the bumpy ride worthwhile and provides a glorious destination.”

— Michael R. Burch

10. “How can the Bible be “infallible” when from Genesis to Revelation slavery is commanded and condoned, but never condemned?”

— Michael R. Burch

11. “Many presidents have believed in God, but Donald Trump evidently believes that he is God.”

— Michael R. Burch

12. “Donald Trump just pledged to be loyal to the Green Party, the Communist Party and Party Central, as long as they agree to be nice to that thing on his head. If not, all bets are off.”

— Michael R. Burch

13. “Trump appeals to the disaffected by loudly trumpet-ing what they want to hear: other people are always the problem, and the solution is to either put them in their proper place or get rid of them.”

— Michael R. Burch

14. “Epigrams delight us into wisdom.”

— Michael R. Burch

15. “The truth can finally be told: Donald Trump’s autism was caused by a vaccination that went terribly wrong; this explains why he can’t relate to other people.”

— Michael R. Burch

16. “It’s simply not true that Donald Trump has no experience in foreign affairs. Hell, two of his foreign affairs resulted in marriages!”

— Michael R. Burch

17. “President Obama contends that charges he is “not really an American” have been trumped up by you-know-who.”

— Michael R. Burch

18. “If God is good half the Bible is libel.”

— Michael R. Burch

19. “The slogan of the American Civil Rights Movement was “We shall overcome!” Donald Trump’s new campaign slogan is “We shall overcomb!””

— Michael R. Burch

20. “If every witty thing that’s said was true, Oscar Wilde, the world would worship You!”

— Michael R. Burch

21. “It’s not that every leaf must finally fall, it’s just that we can never catch them all.”

— Michael R. Burch

22. “These are clearly the end times, and now we understand why the prophets warned us about the Trump of Doom.”

— Michael R. Burch

23. “Hell hath no fury like a frustrated fundamentalist whose God condemned him to “hell” for having “impure thoughts.””

— Michael R. Burch

24. “Did evangelical Christians mistake Donald Trump’s hairpiece for a halo, while ignoring the obvious signs that he worships Mammon?”

— Michael R. Burch

25. “Donald Trump has filed so many bankruptcies and busted so many companies that his children now have receding heir lines.”

— Michael R. Burch

26. “Donald Trump’s hairpiece has reportedly narrowed its list of running partners down to Don King, Kramer, William Shatner, Dolly Parton and Phil Spector, and has no worries about being upstaged.”

— Michael R. Burch

27. “What do we get when the Donald exposes his enormous ass? A trump roast.”

— Michael R. Burch

28. “Love is either wholly folly, or fully holy.”

— Michael R. Burch

29. “C’m’on lefties! Admit that Trump has been very tough on China. He has been especially tough on Chinese kids who slave away in sweatboxes, making his clothing lines.”

— Michael R. Burch

30. “Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.”

— Michael R. Burch

31. “Trump appeals to right-wingnuts because when the going gets tough, they wig out.”

— Michael R. Burch

32. “Every political card played by Jeb Bush has been Trumped; every political note played by The Donald has been Trumpeted.”

— Michael R. Burch

33. “When Donald Trump becomes president, he’ll fly on a jumbo jet rebadged Hair Force One. It will be oversized to contain his massive ego, and will have all the latest and greatest blowdryer technology.”

— Michael R. Burch

34. “When I was being bullied, I had to learn not to judge myself by the opinions of intolerant morons. Then I felt much better.”

— Michael R. Burch

35. “Donald Trump isn’t really running for president, come on! This is obviously a new reality show, Celebrity Presidential Apprentice. It ends with the incompetent celebrity being berated, humiliated, then unceremoniously fired.”

— Michael R. Burch

36. “Even Donald Trump’s hairpiece is fed up with his insults and says it now supports Bernie Sanders. When Trump found out, he sobbed.”

— Michael R. Burch

37. “What do you call a comedian who runs for president? A trump card.”

— Michael R. Burch