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Top 30 Milton Jones Quotes (2025 Update)

Milton Jones Quote: “About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.”

1. “About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I’d come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.”

2. “The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I’d come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.”

3. “Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we’ve started to call her I can’t believe she’s not better.”

4. “My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we’ve started to call her I can’t believe she’s not better.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “I’ve just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.”

5. “I’ve just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, “Gday Gday how you doing no worries next”.”

6. “Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, “Gday Gday how you doing no worries next”.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.”

7. “The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!”

8. “If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.”

9. “Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.”

10. “I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”

11. “I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.”

12. “My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.”

13. “You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it’s because I’m black, isn’t it.”

14. “I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it’s because I’m black, isn’t it.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.”

15. “As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.”

16. “If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.”

17. “Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “It’s difficult isn’t it, when you’re in a Mosque and everyone’s praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.”

18. “It’s difficult isn’t it, when you’re in a Mosque and everyone’s praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.”

19. “So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.”

20. “When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I’ll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.”

21. “You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I’ll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn’t feel like we had much of a choice.”

22. “Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn’t feel like we had much of a choice.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “If you’re depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.”

23. “If you’re depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!”

24. “A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.”

25. “I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.”

26. “Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!”

27. “When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don’t like that.”

28. “Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don’t like that.”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “I recently bought the box set of ‘Doctor Who’ and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn’t the one facing the TV!”

29. “I recently bought the box set of ‘Doctor Who’ and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn’t the one facing the TV!”

— Milton Jones

Milton Jones Quote: “I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.”

30. “I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.”

— Milton Jones

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