Top 500 P. G. Wodehouse Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “Hell, it is well known, has no fury like a woman who wants her tea and can’t get it.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

52. “No novelists any good except me. Sovietski – yah! Nastikoff – bah! I spit me of zem all. No novelists anywhere any good except me. P. G. Wodehouse and Tolstoi not bad. Not good, but not bad. No novelists any good except me.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

53. “Jeeves, of course, is a gentleman’s gentlemen, not a butler, but if the call comes, he can buttle with the best of them.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

54. “Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

55. “I remember her telling me once that rabbits were the gnomes in attendance to the Fairy Queen and that the stars were God’s daisy chain. Perfect rot, of course.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

56. “In all crises of human affairs there are two broad courses open to a man. He can stay where he is or he can go elsewhere.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

57. “I’m all for rational enjoyment, and so forth, but I think a fellow makes himself conspicuous when he throws soft-boiled eggs at the electric fan.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

58. “The only thing that prevented a father’s love from faltering was the fact that there was in his possession a photograph of himself at the same early age, in which he, too, looked like a homicidal fried egg.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

59. “There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

60. “Routine is the death to heroism.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

61. “I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t know what I did before that. Just loafed I suppose.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

62. “As an energetic Socialist, I do my best to see the good that is in him, but it’s hard. Comrade Bristow’s the most striking argument against the equality of man I’ve ever come across.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

63. “Man’s inability to get out of bed in the morning is a curious thing. One may reason with oneself clearly and forcibly without the slightest effect. One knows that delay means inconvenience. Perhaps it may spoil one’s whole day. And one also knows that a single resolute heave will do the trick. But logic is of no use. One simply lies there.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

64. “He looks much more like a lobster than most lobsters do.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

65. “You know how it is with some girls. They seem to take the stuffing right out of you. I mean to say, there is something about their personality that paralyses the vocal cords and reduces the contents of the brain to cauliflower.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

66. “We Woosters do not lightly forget. At least, we do – some things – appointments, and people’s birthdays, and letters to post, and all that – but not an absolutely bally insult like the above.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

67. “To my daughter Leonora without whose never-failing sympathy and encouragement this book would have been finished in half the time.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

68. “I am told by those who know that there are six varieties of hangover-the Broken Compass, the Sewing Machine, the Comet, the Atomic, the Cement Mixer and the Gremlin Boogie, and his manner suggested that he had got them all.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

69. “Every day you seem to know less and less about more and more.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

70. “He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

71. “Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

72. “I pressed down the mental accelerator. The old lemon throbbed fiercely. I got an idea.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

73. “Many a man may look respectable, and yet be able to hide at will behind a spiral staircase.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

74. “Half a league Half a league Half a league onward With a hey-nonny-nonny And a hot cha-cha.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

75. “You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

76. “The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

77. “It is fatal to let any dog know that he is funny, for he immediately loses his head and starts hamming it up.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

78. “If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

79. “Intoxicated? The word did not express it by a mile. He was oiled, boiled, fried, plastered, whiffled, sozzled, and blotto.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

80. “Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

81. “I hadn’t the heart to touch my breakfast. I told Jeeves to drink it himself.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

82. “Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

83. “As a child of eight Mr. Trout had once kissed a girl of six under the mistletoe at a Christmas party, but there his sex life had come to abrupt halt.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

84. “Flowers are happy things.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

85. “Have you lost the girl you love?’ ‘That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I can’t make up my mind. It all depends what construction you place on the words “I never want to see or speak to you again in this world or the next, you miserable fathead.”’ ‘Did she say that?”

— P. G. Wodehouse

86. “He was the sort of man who would have tried to cheer Napoleon up by talking about the Winter Sports at Moscow.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

87. “He returned with the tissue-restorer. I loosed it down the hatch, and after undergoing the passing discomfort, unavoidable when you drink Jeeves’s patent morning revivers, of having the top of the skull fly up to the ceiling and the eyes shoot out of their sockets and rebound from the opposite wall like racquet balls, felt better. It.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

88. “The Duke of Dunstable had one-way pockets. He would walk ten miles in the snow to chisel an orphan out of tuppence.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

89. “Sin is geographical.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

90. “I don’t mind people talking rot in my presence, but it must not be utter rot.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

91. “It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

92. “Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else’s cash.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

93. “Chumps always make the best husbands. All the unhappy marriages come from the husbands having brains.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

94. “I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

95. “The real objection to the great majority of cats is their insufferable air of superiority.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

96. “It just showed once again that half the world doesn’t know how the other three quarters live.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

97. “Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy’s Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day’s work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city’s reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

98. “Young Bingo was too busy introducing the mob to take much notice. They were a very C3 collection. Comrade Butt looked like one of those things that come out of dead trees after the rain; moth-eaten was the word I should have used to described old Rowbotham; and as for Charlotte, she seemed to take me straight into another and a dreadful world.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

99. “Birds, except when broiled and in the society of a cold bottle, bored him stiff.”

— P. G. Wodehouse

100. “Most of the Marois Bay scenery is simply made as a setting for the nursing of a wounded heart. The cliffs are a sombre indigo, sinister and forbidding; and even on the finest days the sea has a curious sullen look. You have only to get away from the crowd near the bathing-machines and reach one of these small coves and get your book against a rock and your pipe well alight, and you can simply wallow in misery. I have done it myself.”

— P. G. Wodehouse