Top 50 Pat Paulsen Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “I’ve upped my standards. Now, up yours.”

— Pat Paulsen

2. “Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.”

— Pat Paulsen

3. “I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.”

— Pat Paulsen

4. “If elected, I will win.”

— Pat Paulsen

5. “It’s tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies.”

— Pat Paulsen

6. “I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.”

— Pat Paulsen

7. “In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president.”

— Pat Paulsen

8. “Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon.”

— Pat Paulsen

9. “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself-and possibly teh bogey man.”

— Pat Paulsen

10. “No Taxes. Let’s just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.”

— Pat Paulsen

11. “We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass.”

— Pat Paulsen

12. “Censorship does not interfere with the constitutional rights of every American to sit alone in a dark room in the nude and cuss.”

— Pat Paulsen

13. “Worrying about the future is a thing of the past. I don’t think about it.”

— Pat Paulsen

14. “I think I’d make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan.”

— Pat Paulsen

15. “All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.”

— Pat Paulsen

16. “Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.”

— Pat Paulsen

17. “I don’t need adult supervision.”

— Pat Paulsen

18. “As I’ve always said: The future lies ahead.”

— Pat Paulsen

19. “The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.”

— Pat Paulsen

20. “I’d learned some things. I knew you weren’t supposed to hold a good wine at the top – the paper bag falls off.”

— Pat Paulsen

21. “The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees.”

— Pat Paulsen

22. “I want to caucus in Iowa. I’ll caucus all over the state. I don’t caucus in California. You don’t caucus where you live. It doesn’t look good.”

— Pat Paulsen

23. “Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.”

— Pat Paulsen

24. “Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not?”

— Pat Paulsen

25. “I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn’t it?”

— Pat Paulsen

26. “If Iowa is the ‘heart’ land, what part of the human body is Los Angeles?”

— Pat Paulsen

27. “On the issue of inflation, I think I could solve it no matter how much money it took.”

— Pat Paulsen

28. “I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called ‘Chocolate,’ and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show.”

— Pat Paulsen

29. “So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye.”

— Pat Paulsen

30. “I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they’ll like. Most people say they don’t like dry wine because they haven’t had a dry wine that’s clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing.”

— Pat Paulsen

31. “The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down.”

— Pat Paulsen

32. “Many of you have asked why it’s taken me so long to select a running mate. I have no intention of reaching into the political grab bag and grabbing any man to be my running mate. I’m going to reach in and grab a woman!”

— Pat Paulsen

33. “If you’re old enough to be arrested, you’re old enough to carry a gun.”

— Pat Paulsen

34. “We’ve got to step up our conservation efforts before it’s too late. We’re not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I’m sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we’ve let it go.”

— Pat Paulsen

35. “It is true that all of the current presidential candidates once denied that they had any intention of running. But the fact that I am also a liar, doesn’t make me a candidate.”

— Pat Paulsen

36. “In conclusion, you can see that there is a place for censors and we only wish that we could tell you where it is.”

— Pat Paulsen

37. “I’m often asked why I travel around the country talking politics. Is it for humanitarian reasons, community spirit, or is it for the money, the limousines or the girls? The answers are: no, no, yes yes yes!”

— Pat Paulsen

38. “You have to understand, I can’t do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.”

— Pat Paulsen

39. “Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers. It’s too good for them.”

— Pat Paulsen

40. “Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, ‘You must be joking.’”

— Pat Paulsen

41. “I’ve been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar.”

— Pat Paulsen

42. “Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don’t know their rights, they shouldn’t be in the business.”

— Pat Paulsen

43. “A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you’re walking down a street and you spot a moose?”

— Pat Paulsen

44. “Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. ‘Hell yes,’ I said. ‘Great state. But I wouldn’t want to live there.’”

— Pat Paulsen

45. “Yeah, I’m running for the White House again. Well, it’s not a run, really; it’s sort of a brisk walk.”

— Pat Paulsen

46. “People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, ‘Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?’”

— Pat Paulsen

47. “I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.”

— Pat Paulsen

48. “Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up.”

— Pat Paulsen

49. “Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its ‘saucy nuances.’”

— Pat Paulsen

50. “The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot.”

— Pat Paulsen