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Top 30 Paul Merton Quotes (2025 Update)

Paul Merton Quote: “My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I’ve endured over the past twenty-five years.”

1. “My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I’ve endured over the past twenty-five years.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “I don’t consider myself a fashion victim. I consider fashion a victim of me.”

2. “I don’t consider myself a fashion victim. I consider fashion a victim of me.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds – I can’t stand Noel Edmonds.”

3. “All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds – I can’t stand Noel Edmonds.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn’t, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?”

4. “On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn’t, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “The thing about improvisation is that it’s not about what you say. It’s listening to what other people say. It’s about what you hear.”

5. “The thing about improvisation is that it’s not about what you say. It’s listening to what other people say. It’s about what you hear.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”

6. “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “I have never sold my story, done Hello! magazine, any of that stuff. I’m not guilty of exploiting my private life for cash and then saying, ‘Oh, I don’t want to talk about my private life.’ I’ve never crossed that line.”

7. “I have never sold my story, done Hello! magazine, any of that stuff. I’m not guilty of exploiting my private life for cash and then saying, ‘Oh, I don’t want to talk about my private life.’ I’ve never crossed that line.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “I’ll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I’ve never got over it.”

8. “I’ll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I’ve never got over it.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don’t have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I’ve won.”

9. “When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don’t have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I’ve won.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “I’ve never been disappointed by politicians. I’ve never invested that much in them in the first place.”

10. “I’ve never been disappointed by politicians. I’ve never invested that much in them in the first place.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “And like the old stereotype, I overcame my shyness by making my friends laugh.”

11. “And like the old stereotype, I overcame my shyness by making my friends laugh.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “In fact, I don’t watch a lot of contemporary comedy for fear of being influenced by it.”

12. “In fact, I don’t watch a lot of contemporary comedy for fear of being influenced by it.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn’t?”

13. “I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn’t?”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, ‘Excuse me, I’m trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you’re giving blow jobs to transsexuals?’”

14. “My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, ‘Excuse me, I’m trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you’re giving blow jobs to transsexuals?’”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “It was a bizarre existence I led in my early twenties – that cliche of the comedian who goes out and entertains a roomful of people and then goes home to a lonely bedsit was unbelievably poignant for me because that was exactly what I was doing. I had periods of real loneliness.”

15. “It was a bizarre existence I led in my early twenties – that cliche of the comedian who goes out and entertains a roomful of people and then goes home to a lonely bedsit was unbelievably poignant for me because that was exactly what I was doing. I had periods of real loneliness.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “If you became a comedian in the ’80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.”

16. “If you became a comedian in the ’80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “It seems like a contradiction, but the shy person who is a performer actually does make sense, because in a way, when you’re young and shy, making people laugh is a good way to make friends. It’s an instant connection.”

17. “It seems like a contradiction, but the shy person who is a performer actually does make sense, because in a way, when you’re young and shy, making people laugh is a good way to make friends. It’s an instant connection.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “When I used to do the Edinburgh Festival, there was a bunch of guys selling fresh oysters and I’d eat ten daily – marvellous.”

18. “When I used to do the Edinburgh Festival, there was a bunch of guys selling fresh oysters and I’d eat ten daily – marvellous.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “I really don’t take any interest at all in contemporary comedy.”

19. “I really don’t take any interest at all in contemporary comedy.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don’t tell me you haven’t done it.”

20. “If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don’t tell me you haven’t done it.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “I don’t always vote in general elections, but I think I’ve always voted Labour.”

21. “I don’t always vote in general elections, but I think I’ve always voted Labour.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn’t about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.”

22. “When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn’t about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “I think having an outsider’s viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian.”

23. “I think having an outsider’s viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.”

24. “I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show. I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism.”

25. “In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show. I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “Well, sanity, I suppose, is getting people to see the world your way.”

26. “Well, sanity, I suppose, is getting people to see the world your way.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “When I was nine I spent a lot of my time reading books about the history of comedy, or listening to the Goons or Hancock, humour from previous generations.”

27. “When I was nine I spent a lot of my time reading books about the history of comedy, or listening to the Goons or Hancock, humour from previous generations.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who’d spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it.”

28. “I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who’d spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it.”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly distraught, sobbing his heart out. Turns out someone had thrown a sausage at him on stage during ‘Meat Is Murder.’”

29. “At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly distraught, sobbing his heart out. Turns out someone had thrown a sausage at him on stage during ‘Meat Is Murder.’”

— Paul Merton

Paul Merton Quote: “Am I allowed to call myself working-class now? Because obviously I’m now very rich.”

30. “Am I allowed to call myself working-class now? Because obviously I’m now very rich.”

— Paul Merton

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