“For three long days, I felt the cold hand of death on my shoulder. Lost in the depths of despair I tried to figure out what I had done to deserve this. I wasn’t an evil person. The worst thing I’d ever done was kick a pig – School trip to Heston Farm, 1964, I maintain it was self-defence.”

“For three long days, I felt the cold hand of death on my shoulder. Lost in the depths of despair I tried to figure out what I had done to deserve this. I wasn’t an evil person. The worst thing I’d ever done was kick a pig – School trip to Heston Farm, 1964, I maintain it was self-defence.”

— Alan Partridge