Top 40 Ramani Durvasula Quotes (2026 Update)

1. “Gaslighting qualifies as a form of emotional abuse that involves denying a person’s experience and making statements, such as “that never happened,” “you’re too sensitive,” or “this isn’t that big a deal.”

— Ramani Durvasula

2. “Narcissists are also prone to something called projection, whereby they place their flaws and questionable behaviors on everyone else. Jealousy is often a great litmus test of whether or not your partner is actually the one cheating; if he starts accusing you of cheating out of the blue, you can bet the farm on the fact that if he is not already cheating, he is likely engaging in an inappropriate relationship.”

— Ramani Durvasula

3. “The narcissist is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom: No matter how much you put in, you can never fill it up. The phrase “I never feel like I am enough” is the mantra of the person in the narcissistic relationship. That’s because to your narcissistic partner, you are not. No one is. Nothing is.”

— Ramani Durvasula

4. “When someone never takes responsibility for anything – words, actions, feelings – it is a challenging if not impossible way to maintain a relationship. They make up complex excuses and can rationalize anything. Be mindful as he shares the story of his life. Does he take ownership of past mistakes or missteps? Or does he share his history as though it were blameless and free of any errors on his part? Does he always seem to blame others for any negative situations in his life?”

— Ramani Durvasula

5. “In the case of narcissistic personality disorder, it is an inability to form deep connections with others, superficiality, and a complete lack of a basic and necessary human quality: empathy.”

— Ramani Durvasula

6. “That said, if a person leads with charm and charisma and plenty of confidence, sit up straight and pay cautious attention. Make sure that there is empathy, that entitlement is not at play, that the person is genuine, that there is respect and, frankly, that he or she has the goods to back it up. Don’t let the charisma and charm blind you and stop you from looking deeper for the rest of it.”

— Ramani Durvasula

7. “Superficiality results in vacillating inconsistency, and emotions for the narcissistic person range from intense to detached on a regular basis. A healthy relationship should feel like a safe harbor in your life. Life throws us enough curve balls in the shape of money problems, work issues, medical issues, household issues, and even the weather. Sadly, a relationship with a narcissist can be one more source of chaos in your life, rather than a place of comfort and consistency.”

— Ramani Durvasula

8. “It’s painfully simple but also challenging to execute because it requires a rewrite, a re-rendering, a reboot, and a reframe. And the best part is that it requires nothing from your partner – this is entirely within your control. It is the most unromantic piece of advice you will ever receive: Manage your expectations. Let go of the rescue fantasy. If you don’t, and you decide to stay, it will only destroy you, bit by bit. So now that you know the beast is never going to turn into a prince.”

— Ramani Durvasula

9. “Communication is predicated on the other person not only listening but also caring.”

— Ramani Durvasula

10. “The disconnect between the reality and the grandiose fantasy can make the narcissist angry, frustrated, sullen, and prone to lashing out. They are dreamers. When it comes to grandiosity and relationships is when narcissists talk about their “great love story” or the idea of an “ideal love.”

— Ramani Durvasula

11. “Living to please is like living a half-life.”

— Ramani Durvasula

12. “In a healthy relationship, your partner is a great “dream-catcher.” However, when that unformed dream is laughed at, questioned, or belittled, it may not recover. Worse, you may scrap the whole idea. However, if there is one thing a narcissistic person cannot tolerate, it is being inconvenienced. Even just hearing about your bad day is an inconvenience. When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it can slowly dawn on you that things work well as long as you are convenient.”

— Ramani Durvasula

13. “Despite our financial struggles, he – the narcissist – would insist that we take lavish vacations, get $150 bottles of wine, and spare no expense. When the bills came in, he couldn’t be bothered, but he always expected the show to go on. Narcissists will tend to spend money they don’t have to throw a big show. One place this will sometimes emerge is in wedding planning. Many people I talked with reflected back on their weddings as though they were a “show”.”

— Ramani Durvasula

14. “Wouldn’t narcissism be valuable from a Darwinian perspective? From an evolutionary perspective, the narcissist actually has the best plumage and appears to be the best mate. A purely evolutionary view does not account for what we know about the value of authenticity, self-regulation, discipline, loyalty, and community.”

— Ramani Durvasula

15. “Narcissism is, indeed, the new world order.”

— Ramani Durvasula

16. “She was struggling to make ends meet, and he – the narcissist – had been at best marginally available to her. To an outsider it looked like a relationship of convenience. You only exist when you are useful.”

— Ramani Durvasula

17. “Loud blasts of emotion and invective with little regard for how words and actions affect other people are the norm.”

— Ramani Durvasula

18. “When it comes to love, narcissists are sprinters and not marathoners. It is often a rather grandiose experience, with numerous references to “falling in love at first sight,” and a “once-ina-lifetime” love story.”

— Ramani Durvasula

19. “Narcissism is very much a “disorder of superficiality.” Given that the entire world is trending towards greater superficiality in all endeavors – work, school, parenting, and love – the narcissists’ propensity toward superficiality no longer seems that unusual.”

— Ramani Durvasula

20. “Many times in new relationships the restructuring of boundaries can be hard work and requires mature and insightful communication. A common mistake is to assume that boundaries will just figure themselves out; they often do not, and hurt feelings are inevitable. For example, snuggle time with a male friend may evaporate once the woman enters into a committed relationship. Boundaries are usually implicit and understood by the persons in the relationship.”

— Ramani Durvasula

21. “Your vulnerable partner may frequently put himself down and sometimes respond to positive feedback, but, in general, he is chronically self-critical and may seem neglectful or dejected most of the time. It often looks like depression. If this is your partner, you may become aware of this pattern over time through the absolute sense of isolation, neglect, and disconnection that unfolds.”

— Ramani Durvasula

22. “You may have had the belief that to forgive is divine but have come to learn that to discern may be transcendent.”

— Ramani Durvasula

23. “They also struggle with abandonment and rejection sensitivity and may burn you out through their constantly victimized anger.”

— Ramani Durvasula

24. “The only thing you need to understand about narcissism is that in almost all cases this personality pattern was there before you came into the narcissistic person’s life and it will be there after you leave.”

— Ramani Durvasula

25. “Radical acceptance of the injustice is part of this process-it not fair, I cannot change it; I can, however, chart a different and authentic course forward and learn from this. Be kind to yourself, take a breath or a rest, and recognize that with time your growth and healing will supplant this injustice, but for now it needs to be grieved.”

— Ramani Durvasula

26. “The dance between the narcissistic reactive sensitivity to feedback, their need for reassurance and chronic sense that they are a victim, and their shame and subsequent rage at having these vulnerabilities reminds us of the essence of narcissistic relationships: you can’t win.”

— Ramani Durvasula

27. “The relationship became more and more about her defending herself and trying to be more and more perfect, simply to avoid his rage. She wondered what she was doing wrong, what she could be doing better.”

— Ramani Durvasula

28. “You were flexible enough to make this work, but the dark side is that this expectation or your ability to show up like everything is “fine” means that even the good people around you often have no idea how bad it was or is for you.”

— Ramani Durvasula

29. “The way you talk to yourself shapes your reality, and when you tell yourself you are damaged or stupid, you live into that identity.”

— Ramani Durvasula

30. “Relationships exist largely for the narcissistic person’s benefit and pleasure.”

— Ramani Durvasula

31. “Her superpower is finding joy in small moments: a hike with her dog, a pretty sunset, a new plant flowering, a show to binge watch. She has found purpose and meaning in the things she can control, and finds that healing, acceptance, and grief are a daily calibration.”

— Ramani Durvasula

32. “One of the great traps of the narcissistic relationship is that the narcissistic folks actually believe they are nice people. They really do. It’s part of their system of delusional grandiosity, self-righteousness, and moral rectitude.”

— Ramani Durvasula

33. “True romance is respectful and empathic.”

— Ramani Durvasula

34. “You may start to blame yourself because they gaslight you and tell you there is something wrong with you, and it feels a tiny bit plausible that maybe there is.”

— Ramani Durvasula

35. “There is a restless quality to the narcissistic personality, a pursuit of novelty and excitement, which is why we may observe infidelity or frequently shifting romantic partners, overspending and shopping, or frenetic activity. Narcissistic people often seem perpetually bored, disenchanted, or contemptuous if things are not interesting and engaging enough for them.”

— Ramani Durvasula

36. “Start small by simply staying in touch with healthy people, then slowly start prioritizing these relationships and intentionally put time with these folks ahead of the rescuing, fixing, and forgiving you are often doing for the narcissistic people in your life. You can just phone it in to your toxic relationship and bring your A game to your safe spaces.”

— Ramani Durvasula

37. “If you’re dealing with a narcissistic family member, you may be having the same fights repeatedly but also feeling the confusion you had as a small child.”

— Ramani Durvasula

38. “Narcissistic abuse always entails blame shifting. Nothing is ever their responsibility or their fault because for a narcissistic person to take responsibility or accept blame means having to accept that they are accountable and imperfect.”

— Ramani Durvasula

39. “Moderate narcissists have just enough insight to know that their behavior is not okay – but not enough regulation, mindfulness, or empathy to stop themselves.”

— Ramani Durvasula

40. “What does the narcissistic person need?” The answer is control, domination, power, admiration, and validation. How they go about getting that is where the narcissistic abuse comes in.”

— Ramani Durvasula

41. “Narcissistic folks love a fight, debate, argument, or any form of conflict. Arguing gives them another way to get supply, let out some steam, air their grievances, and remain dominant.”

— Ramani Durvasula

42. “Narcissists view people as conveniences, opportunities, and tools – and they treat them accordingly. When you are useful to a narcissist, he or she will leave you feeling as though the sun shines only on you. When they no longer need you, that sun will quickly move behind a cloud. It’s amazing how so many people are putty in the narcissist’s hands.”

— Ramani Durvasula

43. “Dismissiveness often foreshadows contempt and an absolute disregard and disdain for you and anything that matters to you.”

— Ramani Durvasula

44. “It’s such a difficult balance – when you bring your authentic self to the narcissistic person, they often shame and rage at you, and yet it is central to your healing that you cultivate your true self and share it with others.”

— Ramani Durvasula

45. “Once you accept that the unhealthy patterns in the relationship are a constant, you can shift your focus to you and the people and activities that matter to you.”

— Ramani Durvasula

46. “While narcissistic people will expect you to honor their boundaries, they will not respect yours.”

— Ramani Durvasula

47. “But you just wanted to be loved, cherished, and protected by your parents; to fall in love with someone and be treated with kindness, compassion, and respect; to be treated equitably and respectfully in the workplace; to receive basic empathy. In return for that, you were met with gaslighting, invalidation, rage, contempt, dismissiveness, and cruelty. You did nothing wrong. It’s time to stop crafting the story that you did. Forgiving yourself becomes a key step to working through the grief.”

— Ramani Durvasula