Top 70 Ray Romano Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.”

— Ray Romano

2. “Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”

— Ray Romano

3. “I’d rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.”

— Ray Romano

4. “The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.”

— Ray Romano

5. “Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform...”

— Ray Romano

6. “My career has been my craziest adventure.”

— Ray Romano

7. “The fact that they let me in a movie with Gene Hackman has left me with no faith in show buisness.”

— Ray Romano

8. “In school, I wasn’t a very good student – I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.”

— Ray Romano

9. “Right after ‘Raymond’ I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don’t like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. ‘What is my purpose? Who am I?’ I had a big identity crisis.”

— Ray Romano

10. “Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”

— Ray Romano

11. “I don’t know if you want to see the Everybody Loves Raymond guy in a nude scene.”

— Ray Romano

12. “My daughter’s tricycle said “Some Assembly Required.” It came in a jar.”

— Ray Romano

13. “I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage. But with four kids, sometimes it’s enough just to keep yourself alive.”

— Ray Romano

14. “My kids are growing up and it’s hard to accept they are their own person and they’re independent.”

— Ray Romano

15. “If my father had hugged me even once, I’d be an accountant right now.”

— Ray Romano

16. “I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and – as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way.”

— Ray Romano

17. “I’ve had people say to me, ‘Look at the sky, the fields, the ocean, the beautiful sunset. Isn’t that proof positive of God?’ Following that line of thought, look at the magnificent rainbows after a big rainstorm. Isn’t that proof positive that God is gay?”

— Ray Romano

18. “My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.”

— Ray Romano

19. “That’s when you know you’re a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.”

— Ray Romano

20. “Nothing like a little chest pain to restore your faith.”

— Ray Romano

21. “I have the show because I’m insecure. It’s my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience.”

— Ray Romano

22. “You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.”

— Ray Romano

23. “My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.”

— Ray Romano

24. “Mick Jagger also a music connoisseur and knows everything about that era. So, you knew the music side was going to be top-notch. It’s HBO. On Men of Certain Age, if we wanted a song, it would break the bank. But, Vinyl can go all-out.”

— Ray Romano

25. “Whenever I get down about life going by too quickly, what helps me is a little mantra that I repeat to myself: at least I’m not a fruit fly.”

— Ray Romano

26. “Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we’re middle-aged, neurotic and fat.”

— Ray Romano

27. “Without identical twins, you’ll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.”

— Ray Romano

28. “I’ll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.”

— Ray Romano

29. “Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I’m able to tell a joke. I thank God I’m good at something.”

— Ray Romano

30. “The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.”

— Ray Romano

31. “I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.”

— Ray Romano

32. “I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.”

— Ray Romano

33. “Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity...”

— Ray Romano

34. “Identical twins. I’m glad they’re identical ’cause you save money on photographs. That’s what I like. Yeah. Here’s my little boy. I got another one just like it.”

— Ray Romano

35. “If golf wasn’t enjoyable and there wasn’t a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.”

— Ray Romano

36. “The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.”

— Ray Romano

37. “I’m always giving myself the Alzheimer’s test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.”

— Ray Romano

38. “I do what I do because I love it.”

— Ray Romano

39. “You might think that’s an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.”

— Ray Romano

40. “You have to remember: the wife been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite.”

— Ray Romano

41. “Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they’re too old to work at Hooters.”

— Ray Romano

42. “People are going to see both of us and think it’s an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It’s not an easy switch. It’s not an easy transition from TV to film.”

— Ray Romano

43. “That’s the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That’s the game in which I’m da man.”

— Ray Romano

44. “I lived at home till I was 29.”

— Ray Romano

45. “When you go to standup, there seems to be a common denominator of some form of need or want for validation from the audience that maybe you were lacking as a kid.”

— Ray Romano

46. “You know, a TV show is a slow build.”

— Ray Romano

47. “You don’t want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.”

— Ray Romano

48. “The only thing I miss from the sitcom format is that immediate gratification of when you’re, if we’re talking about comedy, of the live audience.”

— Ray Romano

49. “I don’t want to be a spokesman for family values, but that’s the way my standup is perceived.”

— Ray Romano

50. “I was at home waiting for projects. I was on Parenthood and there was one season left, and I was thinking, “What’s next?” I’m at this age where I’m trying to write my own script, and they sent this over and I decided to put myself on tape.”

— Ray Romano