Top 40 Red Skelton Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “If by chance some day you’re not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I’ve said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.”

— Red Skelton

2. “Imitation isn’t the sincerest form of flattery – it’s plagiarism.”

— Red Skelton

3. “I don’t hate my enemies. After all, I made ’em.”

— Red Skelton

4. “I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy.”

— Red Skelton

5. “God’s children and their happiness are my reasons for being.”

— Red Skelton

6. “I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.”

— Red Skelton

7. “If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.”

— Red Skelton

8. “Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.”

— Red Skelton

9. “I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.”

— Red Skelton

10. “Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”

— Red Skelton

11. “No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.”

— Red Skelton

12. “Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap.”

— Red Skelton

13. “She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.”

— Red Skelton

14. “You know how to tell when you’re getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.”

— Red Skelton

15. “I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.”

— Red Skelton

16. “My doctor said I look like a million dollars – green and wrinkled.”

— Red Skelton

17. “I don’t need glasses, but I’ve just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.”

— Red Skelton

18. “Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.”

— Red Skelton

19. “Wouldn’t it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?”

— Red Skelton

20. “Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.”

— Red Skelton

21. “I’m nuts and I know it. But so long as I make ’em laugh, they ain’t going to lock me up.”

— Red Skelton

22. “A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, ‘I’ve been going for three months. ’ I said, ‘How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?’ He said, ‘All of them. ’”

— Red Skelton

23. “She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.”

— Red Skelton

24. “I won’t mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn’t heard.”

— Red Skelton

25. “Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.”

— Red Skelton

26. “Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.”

— Red Skelton

27. “Congress: Bingo with billions.”

— Red Skelton

28. “I only come to life when there are people watching.”

— Red Skelton

29. “I don’t pick on politicians. They ain’t done nothin’.”

— Red Skelton

30. “Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.”

— Red Skelton

31. “People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.”

— Red Skelton

32. “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”

— Red Skelton

33. “I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose – to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.”

— Red Skelton

34. “It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they’ll come out for it.”

— Red Skelton

35. “Today’s comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They’re shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people.”

— Red Skelton

36. “I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin.”

— Red Skelton

37. “Mom used to say I didn’t run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.”

— Red Skelton

38. “We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.”

— Red Skelton

39. “I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested the kitchen.”

— Red Skelton

40. “I just want to be known as a clown, because to me that’s the height of my profession. It means you can do everything – sing, dance and above all, make people laugh.”

— Red Skelton

41. “Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.”

— Red Skelton

42. “I left home because I was hungry.”

— Red Skelton

43. “You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.”

— Red Skelton

44. “I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.”

— Red Skelton

45. “I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn’t making money, they’d put me away.”

— Red Skelton

46. “Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.”

— Red Skelton