Top 40 Richard Jeni Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.”

— Richard Jeni

2. “In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.”

— Richard Jeni

3. “Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.”

— Richard Jeni

4. “Never fry bacon when you’re naked.”

— Richard Jeni

5. “If you’re going to war over religion, now you’re just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.”

— Richard Jeni

6. “America: Twenty million illegal aliens can’t be wrong!”

— Richard Jeni

7. “We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.”

— Richard Jeni

8. “The only difference between the women I’ve dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.”

— Richard Jeni

9. “A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people’s freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.”

— Richard Jeni

10. “Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don’t have it.”

— Richard Jeni

11. “You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you’re wrong?”

— Richard Jeni

12. “Animals are happier than humans because they’re like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.”

— Richard Jeni

13. “Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it’s an acting job. You have to act like you’re the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.”

— Richard Jeni

14. “I’m catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it’s a bird!”

— Richard Jeni

15. “Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.”

— Richard Jeni

16. “It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!”

— Richard Jeni

17. “There is no romance without some lying. That’s what romance is – a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.”

— Richard Jeni

Featured in: Romance Quotes

18. “Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won’t hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.”

— Richard Jeni

19. “That’s why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson – he’s one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.”

— Richard Jeni

20. “The way I see life, it’s like we’re all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?”

— Richard Jeni

21. “When one guy sees an invisible man he’s a nut case; ten people see him it’s a cult; ten million people see him it’s a respected religion.”

— Richard Jeni

22. “I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.”

— Richard Jeni

23. “Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They’re the only couples you’ll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.”

— Richard Jeni

24. “If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

— Richard Jeni

25. “Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it’s pretty much all luck.”

— Richard Jeni

26. “In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.”

— Richard Jeni

27. “Choosing to have a child you can’t take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it’s everyone else’s problem.”

— Richard Jeni

28. “Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they’re not getting up early on a Sunday.”

— Richard Jeni

29. “I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday – short for ‘massive head trauma’ that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can’t sit still for anything that’s boring.”

— Richard Jeni

30. “Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street – genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.”

— Richard Jeni

31. “I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’”

— Richard Jeni

32. “Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.”

— Richard Jeni

33. “You know what the average person is? Average.”

— Richard Jeni

34. “If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.”

— Richard Jeni

35. “In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.”

— Richard Jeni

36. “Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks – no cow tank.”

— Richard Jeni

37. “Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn’t higher education, this was Amway with a football team!”

— Richard Jeni

38. “A bunch of money-grubbin’, greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.”

— Richard Jeni

39. “We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.”

— Richard Jeni

40. “Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.”

— Richard Jeni