Top 120 Richard Kadrey Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “When you live with a dead man’s head that won’t shut up and smokes all your cigarettes, the only way to deal with the awfulness is to make it so unbelievably awful that it becomes kind of weirdly beautiful. Like an exploding giraffe full of fireworks.”

— Richard Kadrey

102. “If Mason wasn’t crazy before, he’s definitely joined the banana army now.”

— Richard Kadrey

103. “It’s like God left his lunch in the microwave and you get to finish it.”

— Richard Kadrey

104. “Nothing good has ever come from anything that begins with “God has a message for you.”

— Richard Kadrey

105. “The lucky among us might get the same deal as Dysmas. Dysmas was one of the thieves crucified next to Christ. When he asked for forgiveness, Christ said, ‘Today you will be with me in paradise.’ ” Candy.”

— Richard Kadrey

106. “The five of us are the big brains supposedly in charge of Hell. Really, we’re a bunch of second-rate mechanics trying to keep the wheels from coming off a burning gasoline truck skidding toward a school bus full of orphans and kittens.”

— Richard Kadrey

107. “Twenty percent? What am I, your waiter? I got you five vampires, not a BLT.”

— Richard Kadrey

108. “Kasabian is still shrieking like a banshee, which is pretty good for a guy with no lungs.”

— Richard Kadrey

109. “You murder someone at the Ice Capades and the place goes apeshit. You blow someone’s head off in a war zone, people step over the body and have a snack.”

— Richard Kadrey

110. “I’d like to think they’re staring at me because of my white-hot animal magnetism, but I’m not Elvis. I’m Lobster Boy, hear me roar.”

— Richard Kadrey

111. “The downside to jackrabbit reflexes is that while they get you out of the way of obvious and imminent danger, when you’re going forty miles an hour on your front wheel, those reflexes will simply launch you into the air like a squirrel on a land mine.”

— Richard Kadrey

112. “I should sit down and make a list of everything I missed while I was gone. If you can’t smoke in bars anymore, what other atrocities has the world committed?”

— Richard Kadrey

113. “If you ever see me in a matching T-shirt with a woman – any woman – shoot me. Okay?” Morty nodded. “You didn’t have to ask. I’d have done it on principle.” “Thank you.” “I know a cry for help when I see it.”

— Richard Kadrey

114. “Hell didn’t make me a monster. It just confirmed all my worst fears about myself.”

— Richard Kadrey

115. “When it’s true love you know why you’re getting stabbed.”

— Richard Kadrey

116. “Black magic on Earth isn’t so different and it’s why so many dark magicians dress like cashiers at Hot Topic. Black is a good color anytime you’re flinging around blood.”

— Richard Kadrey

117. “I once considered learning to love iced coffee, but then I remembered I’d have to kill myself, so I gave up the idea.”

— Richard Kadrey

118. “Hell, boy. At some point, all fathers want to kill their sons. Just like all sons think about killing their old man. They’re too much alike or they’re not enough alike. It doesn’t matter. What’s beautiful is that they don’t do it.”

— Richard Kadrey

119. “Beautiful. Now I have to burrow like a groundhog into Mason’s basement to the same room where he summoned those things to take me Downtown. Nothing can possibly go wrong with this plan.”

— Richard Kadrey

120. “Then you better tell whoever is Lucifer, because I’m living in his palace, wearing his clothes, and peeing in his shower.”

— Richard Kadrey

121. “It’s not necessary to fill every moment with your own voice. Silence terrifies you. You see your own existence as so tenuous that you’re afraid you’ll pop like a bubble if, at every opportunity, you don’t remind the world that you’re alive. But wisdom begins in silence. In learning to listen. To words and to the world. Trust me. You won’t disappear. And, in time, you might find that you’ve grown into something unexpected.” “What?”

— Richard Kadrey

122. “Really, Cooper, you’re in good hands. We can’t afford any more employee homicides until the next fiscal quarter,” said Woolrich. “If you try just a little harder, I think you can be even less reassuring.” “Think.”

— Richard Kadrey

123. “That sounds like the sin of pride, Marshal. Better run downstairs and let Miss December flog it out of you. Webcam it and charge by the minute. You won’t ever have to take government money again.”

— Richard Kadrey

124. “Just wait until you’re alive again.” I look over at her. “What? You’ve got a problem with us Revenant-Americans?” “Hey, some of my best friends are dead. But you look like you’re running a quart low.”

— Richard Kadrey

125. “He hands me a cup full of the black stuff. I hold it up and say, “To freaks everywhere.” Vidocq holds up his mug. “May you fly, walk, swim, or crawl for all eternity under the noses of our betters.”

— Richard Kadrey

126. “Make her stop. I’m hungover and she has a robot. It’s not fair.” “Life is fair only in the grave and in the bedroom. This, you will notice, is neither.”

— Richard Kadrey

127. “Did you send candy and flowers on Valentine’s Day, Wells? It’s okay, you know. He was a saint.”

— Richard Kadrey

128. “That’s how you know someone likes you. Anyone can give you chocolate and flowers, but when they’ll disembowel someone for you? That’s true love.”

— Richard Kadrey

129. “This might be the end of the world as we know it, but it’s still show biz.”

— Richard Kadrey

130. “I prefer Abomination. It fits better on a T-shirt. I’d comp you one, but we don’t have any big enough for your ego.”

— Richard Kadrey

131. “He says, “Look into your heart, Stark,” and hangs up. I look into my heart and all I can see is bourbon and me punching Samael in the balls.”

— Richard Kadrey

132. “I close my eyes. “I keep coming back to this one thought: that I know everything about monsters and nothing about people.”

— Richard Kadrey

133. “The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them. – WILLIAM CLAYTON.”

— Richard Kadrey

134. “I want to say that I’m not doing this because you tried to kill me. I want to be bigger and better than that. But I’m not. I’m doing this because you tried to kill me.”

— Richard Kadrey