Top 10 Robert Schimmel Quotes (2024 Update)

Robert Schimmel Quote: “Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn’t it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.”

1. “Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn’t it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.”

— Robert Schimmel

Robert Schimmel Quote: “I’m not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can’t do it.”

2. “I’m not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can’t do it.”

— Robert Schimmel

Robert Schimmel Quote: “If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, ‘Now what have we learned by this?’ Never let a mannequin drive your car.”

3. “If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, ‘Now what have we learned by this?’ Never let a mannequin drive your car.”

— Robert Schimmel

Robert Schimmel Quote: “How do blind people know when they’re done wiping their ass?”

4. “How do blind people know when they’re done wiping their ass?”

— Robert Schimmel

Robert Schimmel Quote: “My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.”

5. “My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.”

— Robert Schimmel

Robert Schimmel Quote: “It’s my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.”

6. “It’s my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.”

— Robert Schimmel

Robert Schimmel Quote: “I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that’s painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that’ll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That’ll be nice, when you’re trying to get out and a real whale’s humping your window.”

7. “I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that’s painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that’ll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That’ll be nice, when you’re trying to get out and a real whale’s humping your window.”

— Robert Schimmel

Robert Schimmel Quote: “So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: You know, maybe you’re suffering from premature ejaculation. Yeah, does it look like I’m suffering? Those aren’t tears on your belly.”

8. “So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: You know, maybe you’re suffering from premature ejaculation. Yeah, does it look like I’m suffering? Those aren’t tears on your belly.”

— Robert Schimmel

Robert Schimmel Quote: “Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.”

9. “Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.”

— Robert Schimmel

Robert Schimmel Quote: “It’s fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. ‘Do you know why I pulled you over?’ Because I have pot in the glove compartment?”

10. “It’s fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. ‘Do you know why I pulled you over?’ Because I have pot in the glove compartment?”

— Robert Schimmel

Robert Schimmel Quote: “What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it’s a pit bull, you say, “You better let him finish.””

11. “What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it’s a pit bull, you say, “You better let him finish.””

— Robert Schimmel

Robert Schimmel Quote: “You know you’re out of shape when you have a heart attack when you’re watching television.”

12. “You know you’re out of shape when you have a heart attack when you’re watching television.”

— Robert Schimmel

Motivational Quotes

Motivational Quotes

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Inspirational Entrepreneurship Quotes

Positive Quotes

Positive Quotes

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Albert Einstein Quotes

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INSPIRATIONAL SUCCESS MOTIVATIONAL

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ENTREPRENEURSHIP BUSINESS INSPIRATIONAL

Positive Quotes

Positive Quotes

Albert Einstein Quotes

Albert Einstein Quotes

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Steve Jobs Quotes

ENTREPRENEURSHIP BUSINESS APPLE

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COURAGE MOTIVATIONAL STRENGTH

Swami Vivekananda Quotes

Swami Vivekananda Quotes

LIFE SPIRITUALITY

INSPIRATIONAL SUCCESS MOTIVATIONAL

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