Top 30 S. J. Perelman Quotes (2024 Update)

S. J. Perelman Quote: “I don’t know where we’re going or how we’ll get there, but when we get there we’ll be there – and that’s something, even if it’s nothing.”

1. “I don’t know where we’re going or how we’ll get there, but when we get there we’ll be there – and that’s something, even if it’s nothing.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “I guess I’m just an old mad scientist at bottom. Give me an underground laboratory, half a dozen atom-smashers, and a beautiful girl in a diaphanous veil waiting to be turned into a chimpanzee, and I care not who writes the nation’s laws.”

2. “I guess I’m just an old mad scientist at bottom. Give me an underground laboratory, half a dozen atom-smashers, and a beautiful girl in a diaphanous veil waiting to be turned into a chimpanzee, and I care not who writes the nation’s laws.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “The main obligation is to amuse yourself.”

3. “The main obligation is to amuse yourself.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “I have no truck with lettuce, cabbage, and similar chlorophyll. Any dietitian will tell you that a running foot of apple strudel contains four times the vitamins of a bushel of beans.”

4. “I have no truck with lettuce, cabbage, and similar chlorophyll. Any dietitian will tell you that a running foot of apple strudel contains four times the vitamins of a bushel of beans.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he’s given the freedom to starve anywhere.”

5. “The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he’s given the freedom to starve anywhere.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn’t know enough to stay in the city.”

6. “A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn’t know enough to stay in the city.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “There is such a thing as too much couth.”

7. “There is such a thing as too much couth.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “English life, while very pleasant, is rather bland. I expected kindness and gentility and I found it, but there is such a thing as too much couth.”

8. “English life, while very pleasant, is rather bland. I expected kindness and gentility and I found it, but there is such a thing as too much couth.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “I’m half Scotch-Irish on both sides, and when I lose my temper-brother, I go.”

9. “I’m half Scotch-Irish on both sides, and when I lose my temper-brother, I go.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin – it’s the triumphant twang of a bedspring.”

10. “Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin – it’s the triumphant twang of a bedspring.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “There are nineteen words in Yiddish that convey gradations of disparagement, from a mild, fluttery helplessness to a state of downright, irreconcilable brutishness. All of them can be usefully employed to pinpoint the kind of individuals I write about.”

11. “There are nineteen words in Yiddish that convey gradations of disparagement, from a mild, fluttery helplessness to a state of downright, irreconcilable brutishness. All of them can be usefully employed to pinpoint the kind of individuals I write about.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “The fact is that all of us have only one personality, and we wring it out like a dishtowel. You are what you are.”

12. “The fact is that all of us have only one personality, and we wring it out like a dishtowel. You are what you are.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “If travel has taught me nothing more, and it certainly has, it’s this: you never know when some trifling incident, utterly without significance, may pitchfork you into adventure or, by the same token, may not.”

13. “If travel has taught me nothing more, and it certainly has, it’s this: you never know when some trifling incident, utterly without significance, may pitchfork you into adventure or, by the same token, may not.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “As for consulting a dentist regularly, my punctuality practically amounted to a fetish. Every twelve years I would drop whatever I was doing and allow wild Caucasian ponies to drag me to a reputable orthodontist.”

14. “As for consulting a dentist regularly, my punctuality practically amounted to a fetish. Every twelve years I would drop whatever I was doing and allow wild Caucasian ponies to drag me to a reputable orthodontist.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “Fate was dealing from the bottom of the deck.”

15. “Fate was dealing from the bottom of the deck.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “Tomatoes and squash never fail to reach maturity. You can spray them with acid, beat them with sticks and burn them; they love it.”

16. “Tomatoes and squash never fail to reach maturity. You can spray them with acid, beat them with sticks and burn them; they love it.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “I tried to resist his overtures, but he plied me with symphonies, quartets, chamber music, and cantatas.”

17. “I tried to resist his overtures, but he plied me with symphonies, quartets, chamber music, and cantatas.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “I used to pride myself on being impervious to the sentimentalities of soap opera, but when that loveliest of actresses, Rachel Gurney, of Upstairs, Downstairs, perished on the Titanic, I wept so convulsively and developed such anorexia that I had to be force-fed.”

18. “I used to pride myself on being impervious to the sentimentalities of soap opera, but when that loveliest of actresses, Rachel Gurney, of Upstairs, Downstairs, perished on the Titanic, I wept so convulsively and developed such anorexia that I had to be force-fed.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “Nature, it appears, has been rather more bountiful to Paul’s body and purse than to his intellect; above the ears, speaking bluntly, the boy is strictly tapioca.”

19. “Nature, it appears, has been rather more bountiful to Paul’s body and purse than to his intellect; above the ears, speaking bluntly, the boy is strictly tapioca.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “I’ll dispose of my teeth as I see fit, and after they’ve gone, I’ll get along. I started off living on gruel, and by God, I can always go back to it again.”

20. “I’ll dispose of my teeth as I see fit, and after they’ve gone, I’ll get along. I started off living on gruel, and by God, I can always go back to it again.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “I loathe writing. On the other hand I’m a great believer in money.”

21. “I loathe writing. On the other hand I’m a great believer in money.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “You’ll have to leave my meals on a tray outside the door because I’ll be working pretty late on the secret of making myself invisible, which may take me almost until eleven o’clock.”

22. “You’ll have to leave my meals on a tray outside the door because I’ll be working pretty late on the secret of making myself invisible, which may take me almost until eleven o’clock.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “In my more pompous moments I like to think of myself as a writer rather than a humorist, but I suppose that’s merely the vanity of advancing age.”

23. “In my more pompous moments I like to think of myself as a writer rather than a humorist, but I suppose that’s merely the vanity of advancing age.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “I found the pearl of the Orient slightly less exciting than a rainy Sunday evening in Rochester.”

24. “I found the pearl of the Orient slightly less exciting than a rainy Sunday evening in Rochester.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “A basic ingredient in the manufacture of perfume, the attar-a heavy, pale-yellow oil stored in small metal drums-had been put up as collateral by Bulgaria, in lieu of gold, at the Moscow Narodny Bank, a Communist finance house for East-West trade.”

25. “A basic ingredient in the manufacture of perfume, the attar-a heavy, pale-yellow oil stored in small metal drums-had been put up as collateral by Bulgaria, in lieu of gold, at the Moscow Narodny Bank, a Communist finance house for East-West trade.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “If, at the close of business each evening, I myself can understand what I’ve written, I feel the day hasn’t been totally wasted.”

26. “If, at the close of business each evening, I myself can understand what I’ve written, I feel the day hasn’t been totally wasted.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “Do you know anything at all that nobody else knows or, for that matter, gives a damn about? If you do, then sit tight, because one of these days you’re going to Hollywood as a technical supervisor on a million dollar movie.”

27. “Do you know anything at all that nobody else knows or, for that matter, gives a damn about? If you do, then sit tight, because one of these days you’re going to Hollywood as a technical supervisor on a million dollar movie.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I’ve been trying for almost eighteen seconds.”

28. “I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I’ve been trying for almost eighteen seconds.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “He bit his lip in a manner which immediately awakened my maternal sympathy, and I helped him bite it.”

29. “He bit his lip in a manner which immediately awakened my maternal sympathy, and I helped him bite it.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “We old roosters must be cautious. Don’t try to outwit your arteries.”

30. “We old roosters must be cautious. Don’t try to outwit your arteries.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “The worst disgrace that can befall a producer is an unkind notice from a New York reviewer. When this happens, the producer becomes a pariah in Hollywood. He is shunned by his friends, thrown into bankruptcy, and like a Japanese electing hara-kiri, he commits suttee.”

31. “The worst disgrace that can befall a producer is an unkind notice from a New York reviewer. When this happens, the producer becomes a pariah in Hollywood. He is shunned by his friends, thrown into bankruptcy, and like a Japanese electing hara-kiri, he commits suttee.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “There is something about a home aquarium which sets my teeth on edge the moment I see it. Why anyone would want to live with a small container of stagnant water populated by a half-dead guppy is beyond me.”

32. “There is something about a home aquarium which sets my teeth on edge the moment I see it. Why anyone would want to live with a small container of stagnant water populated by a half-dead guppy is beyond me.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “Only the scenario writers are exempt. These are tied between the tails of two spirited Caucasian ponies, which are then driven off in opposite directions. This custom is called a conference.”

33. “Only the scenario writers are exempt. These are tied between the tails of two spirited Caucasian ponies, which are then driven off in opposite directions. This custom is called a conference.”

— S. J. Perelman

S. J. Perelman Quote: “All right, so call me Miss Cliche of 1960, but the thing about the married ones that always spooks me is how sweet and attentive they are at first, when they’re on the prowl.”

34. “All right, so call me Miss Cliche of 1960, but the thing about the married ones that always spooks me is how sweet and attentive they are at first, when they’re on the prowl.”

— S. J. Perelman

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