Top 30 Samantha Bee Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.”

— Samantha Bee

2. “I’m shy, but I’m not clinically shy. I don’t have social anxiety disorder or anything like that. I more have a gentle shyness. Like, I have a little trouble mingling at parties.”

— Samantha Bee

3. “Don’t judge me. I made a lot of money.”

— Samantha Bee

4. “Kids do have to learn that life is a humiliating charade of endless disappointment and tragedy ultimately culminating in pain, decay, and death. My parents used to sing me to sleep with that one.”

— Samantha Bee

5. “You have to be willing to ask questions that almost no one else would ask.”

— Samantha Bee

6. “It’s great when you have people who will speak passionately and honestly about what they are doing.”

— Samantha Bee

7. “I believe in breakfast. It’s the one meal that my kids usually eat without a fuss, so that’s huge. As for myself, I can’t function without it, and I see it as a great way to get some healthy greens in, some coffee, and on a good day, maybe even some news of the world via the newspaper.”

— Samantha Bee

8. “I hate birthdays. I thought that I only hated my own birthday, and then I realized that I hate my children’s birthdays too.”

— Samantha Bee

9. “It’s like you can’t even go on the radio anymore and condemn a whole subset of people to hell without getting some blowback.”

— Samantha Bee

10. “I was totally unknown in the television and film industry in Canada.”

— Samantha Bee

11. “Who are you going to believe? Leading authorities on medical science, or 800 memes on your cousin’s Facebook page?”

— Samantha Bee

12. “I get maximum satisfaction out of buying children’s clothes online.”

— Samantha Bee

13. “Everybody is agreeing so tersely. I just had a flashback to the month before my parents finally admitted they were getting a divorce.”

— Samantha Bee

14. “I am a cookbook fanatic.”

— Samantha Bee

15. “I think that my love of cooking grew out of my love of reading about cooking. When I was a kid, we had a bookcase in the kitchen filled with cookbooks. I would eat all my meals reading about meals I could have been having.”

— Samantha Bee

Featured in: Reading Quotes

16. “I don’t think the show would be funny to you if you didn’t already have a base of information.”

— Samantha Bee

17. “If I could live in New York the rest of my life, I absolutely would, but it’s also prohibitively expensive and you have to be working. New York is a lot nicer when you have a job.”

— Samantha Bee

18. “I never believe them when they say that because you really have to sort of be aware of what’s going on in the news in order to get the jokes on the show.”

— Samantha Bee

19. “I continue to be very shy. I think a lot of actors and performers are really weird, shy people working it out onstage. I don’t know why that is.”

— Samantha Bee

20. “When you’re presented with an opportunity, if you don’t act out of pure passion and pure authenticity, you’re squandering it.”

— Samantha Bee

21. “I’m capable of living in the moment. And I’m especially capable of living in the moment of sitting on my sofa and watching other people’s moments.”

— Samantha Bee

22. “It is so expensive to take care of my hair and keep it looking like I was born with it, when my real hair is the color of rat fur.”

— Samantha Bee

23. “If it wasn’t for what goes on in the world of politics, we wouldn’t really have much of a show.”

— Samantha Bee

24. “It’s not every day people fly you to New York for auditions.”

— Samantha Bee

25. “I think the show does better with newsmakers and politicians than it does with actors.”

— Samantha Bee

26. “I can agree in principle that it’s the thought that counts when giving or getting gifts, but I would also like to point out that “if there’s no thought... it doesn’t count.” I don’t wish to be reminded that you didn’t want to take the time to get to know me, or perhaps you have even known me my whole life and simply don’t care about me. All I ask is that you not rub my face in it.”

— Samantha Bee

27. “Our family car was the antithesis of designs and desirability. It was like driving Hitler’s moustache.”

— Samantha Bee

28. “I dislike Ted Cruz as much as the next everyone. But that’s no reason to be rude to Ted’s loving wife and possible hostage.”

— Samantha Bee

29. “I think NASCAR’s coming to Canada now so it’ll take on a whole new relevance. Be afraid.”

— Samantha Bee

30. “And since I was basically being raised by senior citizens at the time, my physical activity was limited to driving around the park to look at the trees, driving to the lake to look at the lake, and driving to the mall to look at coats that were “car length.” My.”

— Samantha Bee

31. “It was only a few years ago that I couldn’t get hired to save my life.”

— Samantha Bee

32. “My apartment is the equivalent of one room in my Toronto home. Now I understand why New Yorkers are on the streets at all hours. People don’t want to stay inside for fear they’ll go crazy.”

— Samantha Bee