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Top 25 Terrence Real Quotes (2025 Update)

Terrence Real Quote: “Self-esteem is your capacity to recognize your worth and value, despite your human flaws and weaknesses. Your value as a person isn’t earned; it isn’t conditional; it can’t be added to or subtracted from. Your essential worth is neither greater nor lesser than that of any other human being. It can’t be. Self-esteem is about being, not doing. You have worth simply because you’re alive.”

1. “Self-esteem is your capacity to recognize your worth and value, despite your human flaws and weaknesses. Your value as a person isn’t earned; it isn’t conditional; it can’t be added to or subtracted from. Your essential worth is neither greater nor lesser than that of any other human being. It can’t be. Self-esteem is about being, not doing. You have worth simply because you’re alive.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “Sustaining relationships with others requires a good relationship to ourselves. Healthy self-esteem is an internal sense of worth that pulls one neither into ‘better than’ grandiosity nor ‘less than’ shame.”

2. “Sustaining relationships with others requires a good relationship to ourselves. Healthy self-esteem is an internal sense of worth that pulls one neither into ‘better than’ grandiosity nor ‘less than’ shame.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “Learning to listen relationally, listen with cool heads and clear boundaries, listen with the quietness of the heart and the gentleness of the body, means having a self so developed it can afford to yield.”

3. “Learning to listen relationally, listen with cool heads and clear boundaries, listen with the quietness of the heart and the gentleness of the body, means having a self so developed it can afford to yield.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “An addict needs shame like a man dying of thirst needs salt water.”

4. “An addict needs shame like a man dying of thirst needs salt water.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “The romantic vision promises ‘shadowless’ relationships, but it is precisely by wrestling with the relationship’s shadow, with disillusionment, that deep intimacy is sustained.”

5. “The romantic vision promises ‘shadowless’ relationships, but it is precisely by wrestling with the relationship’s shadow, with disillusionment, that deep intimacy is sustained.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “The rule that surpasses all rules is that you must be connected, willing to see what’s in front of you, and willing to move if what you’re doing isn’t working.”

6. “The rule that surpasses all rules is that you must be connected, willing to see what’s in front of you, and willing to move if what you’re doing isn’t working.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “Good parenting requires three elements: nurturing, limit setting, and guidance.”

7. “Good parenting requires three elements: nurturing, limit setting, and guidance.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “Love is not for the faint of heart.”

8. “Love is not for the faint of heart.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “The difference between real acceptance and just backing away from an issue, or away from the whole relationship, is resentment.”

9. “The difference between real acceptance and just backing away from an issue, or away from the whole relationship, is resentment.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “The flight from shame into grandiosity lies at the heart of male covert depression.”

10. “The flight from shame into grandiosity lies at the heart of male covert depression.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “As women shut down their needs, they also shut down their sense of pleasure.”

11. “As women shut down their needs, they also shut down their sense of pleasure.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “The paradox of real love is that our capacity to sustain intimacy rests on our capacity to tolerate aloneness inside the relationship.”

12. “The paradox of real love is that our capacity to sustain intimacy rests on our capacity to tolerate aloneness inside the relationship.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “Men’s willingness to downplay weakness and pain is so great that it has been named as a factor in their shorter life span. The ten years of difference in longevity between men and women turns out to have little to do with genes. Men wait longer to acknowledge that they are sick, take longer to get help, and once they get treatment do not comply with it as well as women do.”

13. “Men’s willingness to downplay weakness and pain is so great that it has been named as a factor in their shorter life span. The ten years of difference in longevity between men and women turns out to have little to do with genes. Men wait longer to acknowledge that they are sick, take longer to get help, and once they get treatment do not comply with it as well as women do.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “Women are unhappy in their marriages because they want men to be more related than most men know how to be. And men are unhappy in their marriages because their women seem so unhappy with them.”

14. “Women are unhappy in their marriages because they want men to be more related than most men know how to be. And men are unhappy in their marriages because their women seem so unhappy with them.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “We are so busy attempting to manage the result that we fail simply to run the race.”

15. “We are so busy attempting to manage the result that we fail simply to run the race.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “Healthy self-esteem is an internal sense of worth that pulls one neither into “better than” grandiosity nor “less than” shame. But the essence of psychological patriarchy is the nonexistence of such middle ground.”

16. “Healthy self-esteem is an internal sense of worth that pulls one neither into “better than” grandiosity nor “less than” shame. But the essence of psychological patriarchy is the nonexistence of such middle ground.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “The real work of relationships is not occasional, or even daily: it is minute-to-minute. In this triggered moment right now, which path am I going to take? Rather than being overridden by your history, you can stop, pause, and choose.”

17. “The real work of relationships is not occasional, or even daily: it is minute-to-minute. In this triggered moment right now, which path am I going to take? Rather than being overridden by your history, you can stop, pause, and choose.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “Use “and,” never “but.” “But” cancels out whatever came before it. “And” is roomy enough for all of your many feelings.”

18. “Use “and,” never “but.” “But” cancels out whatever came before it. “And” is roomy enough for all of your many feelings.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “There’s No Redeeming Value in Harshness.”

19. “There’s No Redeeming Value in Harshness.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “Revenge is really a perverse form of communication, a twisted attempt at repair.”

20. “Revenge is really a perverse form of communication, a twisted attempt at repair.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “Through the mechanism of carried shame and carried feelings, the unresolved pain of previous generations operates in families like an emotional debt. We either face it or we leverage our children with it.”

21. “Through the mechanism of carried shame and carried feelings, the unresolved pain of previous generations operates in families like an emotional debt. We either face it or we leverage our children with it.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “The particularities of your parents’ limitations and dysfunctions became the imperfect “holding environment” you adjusted to. That adjustment, that adaptation, becomes your particular version of you and me consciousness, the imprint on your limbic system of your unique Adaptive Child.”

22. “The particularities of your parents’ limitations and dysfunctions became the imperfect “holding environment” you adjusted to. That adjustment, that adaptation, becomes your particular version of you and me consciousness, the imprint on your limbic system of your unique Adaptive Child.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “Before you open your mouth,” I tell him, “I want you to stop and think. Ask yourself: ‘What is the thing I’m about to say going to feel like to the person I’m speaking to?”

23. “Before you open your mouth,” I tell him, “I want you to stop and think. Ask yourself: ‘What is the thing I’m about to say going to feel like to the person I’m speaking to?”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “There is no place for objective reality in personal relationships. Objective reality is great for getting trains to run on time or for developing an important vaccine, but for ferreting out which point of view is “valid” in an interpersonal transaction, it is a loser.”

24. “There is no place for objective reality in personal relationships. Objective reality is great for getting trains to run on time or for developing an important vaccine, but for ferreting out which point of view is “valid” in an interpersonal transaction, it is a loser.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “Before we can provide corrective emotional experiences for each other, we must learn how to tend to our own immature parts, to our own reactivity, to our avoidance, our long-suffering frustration. We must master the art of relational mindfulness and retake the reins.”

25. “Before we can provide corrective emotional experiences for each other, we must learn how to tend to our own immature parts, to our own reactivity, to our avoidance, our long-suffering frustration. We must master the art of relational mindfulness and retake the reins.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “Whenever a young person encounters trauma, they react to it and they also repeat it. Modeling has elements of identifying with the aggressor. In modeling, you don’t resist the dysfunctional mores of your family – you reenact them. You see yourself as you were seen; you internalize bad behavior as normal.”

26. “Whenever a young person encounters trauma, they react to it and they also repeat it. Modeling has elements of identifying with the aggressor. In modeling, you don’t resist the dysfunctional mores of your family – you reenact them. You see yourself as you were seen; you internalize bad behavior as normal.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “And I loathed myself. I loathed myself for the state I was in. I loathed myself as an unlovable person. I felt there was something intrinsically monstrous about me, some rancid stink inside my soul that I had barely managed to cover over with the cheap perfume of my charm. I felt mostly dead and deserving of it. I had become an inanimate object to myself. I had somehow misplaced the knowledge that I was human.”

27. “And I loathed myself. I loathed myself for the state I was in. I loathed myself as an unlovable person. I felt there was something intrinsically monstrous about me, some rancid stink inside my soul that I had barely managed to cover over with the cheap perfume of my charm. I felt mostly dead and deserving of it. I had become an inanimate object to myself. I had somehow misplaced the knowledge that I was human.”

— Terrence Real

Terrence Real Quote: “Maturity comes when we tend to our inner children and don’t inflict them on our partners to care for.”

28. “Maturity comes when we tend to our inner children and don’t inflict them on our partners to care for.”

— Terrence Real

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