Top 40 Tommy Cooper Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “A dyslexic man walks into a bra.”

— Tommy Cooper

2. “I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost 3 days already.”

— Tommy Cooper

3. “I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.”

— Tommy Cooper

4. “I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.”

— Tommy Cooper

5. “Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”

— Tommy Cooper

6. “I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.”

— Tommy Cooper

7. “Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.”

— Tommy Cooper

8. “A woman tells her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor says, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman says, ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says: ‘Okay – you’re ugly as well.’”

— Tommy Cooper

9. “I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.”

— Tommy Cooper

10. “Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.”

— Tommy Cooper

11. “So a man jumps into a taxi and says “King Arthur’s close” and the taxi driver says, “don’t worry we’ll lose him at the next lights”.”

— Tommy Cooper

12. “Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.”

— Tommy Cooper

13. “Two fish in a tank, one says to the other – you drive I’ll man the guns.”

— Tommy Cooper

14. “I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy.”

— Tommy Cooper

15. “I went to the dentist. He said “Say Aaah.” I said “Why?” He said “My dog’s died.””

— Tommy Cooper

16. “A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.”

— Tommy Cooper

Featured in: Strong Quotes

17. “Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.”

— Tommy Cooper

18. “Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’”

— Tommy Cooper

19. “A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.”

— Tommy Cooper

20. “I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.”

— Tommy Cooper

21. “I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.”

— Tommy Cooper

22. “So I went to the Doctor’s yesterday. He said, “What appears to be the problem?” I said, “I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away.” He said, “How can I help?” I said: “Break my arms.””

— Tommy Cooper

23. “I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.”

— Tommy Cooper

24. “I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.”

— Tommy Cooper

25. “So I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said “Are you two an item?””

— Tommy Cooper

26. “My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.”

— Tommy Cooper

27. “So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.”

— Tommy Cooper

28. “I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.”

— Tommy Cooper

29. “A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.”

— Tommy Cooper

30. “A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I had to amputate your arms””

— Tommy Cooper

31. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’”

— Tommy Cooper

32. “I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.”

— Tommy Cooper

33. “A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says “What are you supposed to be?” The man says “A premature ejaculation.” “What?” says the woman. The man explains “I’ve just come in my pants.””

— Tommy Cooper

34. “Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.”

— Tommy Cooper

35. “So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’”

— Tommy Cooper

36. “So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought “That’s a turtle disaster”.”

— Tommy Cooper

37. “Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.”

— Tommy Cooper

38. “My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.”

— Tommy Cooper

39. “A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.”

— Tommy Cooper

40. “I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, ‘Look, this chicken I got here is cold.’ He said, ‘It should be, it’s been dead two weeks.’”

— Tommy Cooper

41. “A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.””

— Tommy Cooper

42. “Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet – it was a marriage of convenience!”

— Tommy Cooper

43. “I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, ‘Have you got frog’s legs?’ He said, ‘Yes,’ so I said, ‘Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.’”

— Tommy Cooper

44. “I belong to the secret six. It’s so secret I don’t even know the other five.”

— Tommy Cooper

45. “And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this my livelihood.’”

— Tommy Cooper

46. “A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’”

— Tommy Cooper

47. “And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.”

— Tommy Cooper

48. “I’ve been on the whisky diet – I’ve already lost three days!”

— Tommy Cooper