Top 100 Tucker Max Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Yes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but everyone forgets the second half of that quote: the road to heaven is paved with good actions.”

— Tucker Max

2. “Your beliefs don’t make you a better person. Your behavior does.”

— Tucker Max

3. “In training, there is no winning or losing. There is only learning.”

— Tucker Max

4. “The meaning of life is to create meaning for your life.”

— Tucker Max

5. “I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.”

— Tucker Max

6. “Things always work out for me because I do whatever I want without worrying about the consequences.”

— Tucker Max

7. “Fat girls aren’t real people.”

— Tucker Max

8. “I tell the truth, and truth is the ultimate defense against libel.”

— Tucker Max

9. “Tell beautiful women they are smart, and smart women they are beautiful.”

— Tucker Max

10. “One of life’s great secrets: women don’t look for handsome men, they look for men with beautiful women.”

— Tucker Max

11. “Getting offended is a great way to avoid answering questions that make you sound dumb.”

— Tucker Max

12. “It is better to ask for forgiveness then permission.”

— Tucker Max

13. “Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as ‘deserving’ respect; you get what you demand from people.”

— Tucker Max

14. “The hardest lesson I’ve had to learn in my life is that my intelligence is inversely correlated to my humility. The more I thought I knew, the less I actually knew.”

— Tucker Max

15. “I think 20th century media were about tricking people – and the beauty of the Internet is you can’t lie anymore.”

— Tucker Max

16. “The result of my hard work is that I’m financially independent, I have an amazing life, and I can do whatever I want. I don’t have to answer to anybody.”

— Tucker Max

17. “As a general rule, whenever guys have problems approaching girls, it’s because they’re afraid of rejection or they’re afraid of something specific. The way that you get over a fear like that is you figure out what the worst is that can happen.”

— Tucker Max

18. “No one has probably helped me more with my narcissism than my dog.”

— Tucker Max

19. “No sheep wants to be first through the gate, but every sheep will be second.”

— Tucker Max

20. “Failure instructs, failure improves. Failure shouldn’t deter you.”

— Tucker Max

21. “Obstacles are only obstacles if you see them as obstacles. They can also be called opportunities.”

— Tucker Max

22. “Failure either ruins you, or turns you into the man you can become.”

— Tucker Max

23. “Listen to authority figures because of their position, but only believe them if they can explain why.”

— Tucker Max

24. “That’s the beauty of alcohol. If you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.”

— Tucker Max

25. “I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.”

— Tucker Max

26. “If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they’re bad people.”

— Tucker Max

27. “If your parents ignored you, or if they are just not emotionally available, or if they yell a lot, that is a type of trauma.”

— Tucker Max

28. “I laugh at people who say things like ‘I’m a good person, I just do bad things.’ No, that’s not how it works. What you do IS who you are.”

— Tucker Max

29. “Most people’s lives are nothing more than pointlessly frantic activity used as a psychological defense against their own impotence and fear.”

— Tucker Max

30. “I’m sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club.”

— Tucker Max

31. “A lot of people think that since I’m drunk in my stories, I must be drunk 24 hours a day. What kind of stupid logic is that? It’d be like if you saw Michael Jordan at a restaurant and were like, “Why aren’t you in your basketball uniform?” I leave out way more than I put in.”

— Tucker Max

32. “You show me a truly funny girl who doesn’t have emotional issues, and I’ll introduce you to my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys.”

— Tucker Max

33. “The haters always scream the loudest.”

— Tucker Max

34. “There are fun nights, there are crazy nights, and then there are those nights that make men legends.”

— Tucker Max

35. “To my friends and people I care about, I’m a really nice guy. No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that’s not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.”

— Tucker Max

36. “You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That’s what it’s like listening to you speak.”

— Tucker Max

37. “You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.”

— Tucker Max

38. “I could never kill myself. What if it doesn’t work. Then I’ll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?”

— Tucker Max

39. “I hated being a lawyer and I wanted to like myself and like my job.”

— Tucker Max

40. “You know that look a cop gives you when he’s so confused that he doesn’t even know how to respond? If you don’t know that look, it means you haven’t had enough fun in your life.”

— Tucker Max

41. “If you wear Crocs on a first date.”

— Tucker Max

42. “I will never understand why people get so upset at things I don’t even remember saying.”

— Tucker Max

43. “The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around me.”

— Tucker Max

44. “Even if I was a Republican, George Bush would have pushed me out of that party.”

— Tucker Max

45. “I’ve heard 14 year old meth addicted thai prostitutes say more prescient things than the woman that was supposedly a “professor.”

— Tucker Max

46. “I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.”

— Tucker Max

47. “Probably the best explanation for my success and other Internet writers, is that we’re tapping a genre or a niche out there that needs to be filled and isn’t.”

— Tucker Max

48. “At some point in their life, everyone thinks they should go to law school. You may in fact think you want to go to law school now.”

— Tucker Max

49. “This may come as a shock to some of you, but I have a slightly volatile personality. I don’t suffer fools well.”

— Tucker Max

50. “The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above “functionally retarded”.”

— Tucker Max