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Top 20 Whitney Cummings Quotes (2025 Update)

Whitney Cummings Quote: “A true friend will go with the instagram filter that flatters you.”

1. “A true friend will go with the instagram filter that flatters you.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “My definition of love is: Being willing to die for someone, that you yourself want to kill.”

2. “My definition of love is: Being willing to die for someone, that you yourself want to kill.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “Why do all balls look like they’re 150 years old?”

3. “Why do all balls look like they’re 150 years old?”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “Saying women aren’t funny is now like saying Asians can’t drive or saying black people have bad credit. It’s just really, like, so obsolete.”

4. “Saying women aren’t funny is now like saying Asians can’t drive or saying black people have bad credit. It’s just really, like, so obsolete.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “I have so much to be thankful for. I work with the most amazing people, get to make people laugh for a living and have the most amazing friends. But, I am mostly thankful for Spanx.”

5. “I have so much to be thankful for. I work with the most amazing people, get to make people laugh for a living and have the most amazing friends. But, I am mostly thankful for Spanx.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “I did some pretty embarrassing modeling, like catalogs and QVC. I know there’s probably a stereotype where all pretty girls think they’re unattractive, but modeling is the worst thing for your self-esteem, because you’re never pretty enough, you’re never thin enough.”

6. “I did some pretty embarrassing modeling, like catalogs and QVC. I know there’s probably a stereotype where all pretty girls think they’re unattractive, but modeling is the worst thing for your self-esteem, because you’re never pretty enough, you’re never thin enough.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “I’m the one who’s dating the craft-service guy instead of the producer. Plus, if a producer is going to date a hot young thing, I’m probably not the first person on their list – the weird, quirky, funny girl.”

7. “I’m the one who’s dating the craft-service guy instead of the producer. Plus, if a producer is going to date a hot young thing, I’m probably not the first person on their list – the weird, quirky, funny girl.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “I don’t want to look at myself – ever. All I see is that my face is a problem. It’s asymmetrical. I get terrible bags under my eyes.”

8. “I don’t want to look at myself – ever. All I see is that my face is a problem. It’s asymmetrical. I get terrible bags under my eyes.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “I was joking the other day about how my real life feels like a TV show, and my TV life feels real – because, to be on Thursday nights on NBC, which is what I grew up with, has been such a big part of inspiring me. To be part of that tradition is really completely surreal, and I’m so grateful.”

9. “I was joking the other day about how my real life feels like a TV show, and my TV life feels real – because, to be on Thursday nights on NBC, which is what I grew up with, has been such a big part of inspiring me. To be part of that tradition is really completely surreal, and I’m so grateful.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “I guess the verdict is in – I am not a sociopath. It’s not effective or productive not to be nice. It would undermine the goals I want to achieve on any given day.”

10. “I guess the verdict is in – I am not a sociopath. It’s not effective or productive not to be nice. It would undermine the goals I want to achieve on any given day.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “I feel like, in a lot of shows where the woman is in charge, the woman is this ball buster and the guy is sort of weak and spineless. And that’s never been my experience in a relationship. I think it’s much more interesting that the guy is the boss. And there are stakes.”

11. “I feel like, in a lot of shows where the woman is in charge, the woman is this ball buster and the guy is sort of weak and spineless. And that’s never been my experience in a relationship. I think it’s much more interesting that the guy is the boss. And there are stakes.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “Good evening, America. I’m a woman, and welcome to The Late Late Show.”

12. “Good evening, America. I’m a woman, and welcome to The Late Late Show.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “I think that we’re in a really amazing time, where there are really a lot of really fantastic female actresses and comedians. I imagine there’s just a lot of opportunity for women to have powerful roles. Or it’s just that there’s more women writing TV. Women tend to maybe write strong women.”

13. “I think that we’re in a really amazing time, where there are really a lot of really fantastic female actresses and comedians. I imagine there’s just a lot of opportunity for women to have powerful roles. Or it’s just that there’s more women writing TV. Women tend to maybe write strong women.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “I remember my agent at ICM at the beginning of my career telling me that I wasn’t pretty enough, that I was always going to be a quirky sidekick. And he was an ogre of a man. He should have been carrying a torch. If he was in a bar, he couldn’t have come near me, and then he was deciding my fate.”

14. “I remember my agent at ICM at the beginning of my career telling me that I wasn’t pretty enough, that I was always going to be a quirky sidekick. And he was an ogre of a man. He should have been carrying a torch. If he was in a bar, he couldn’t have come near me, and then he was deciding my fate.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “I don’t think that women necessarily always write like women. I was a writer on the ‘Comedy Central Roasts’ for a while, and I always wrote the jokes that people assumed the men would write.”

15. “I don’t think that women necessarily always write like women. I was a writer on the ‘Comedy Central Roasts’ for a while, and I always wrote the jokes that people assumed the men would write.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “I feel like being psychic might just be the natural result of what happens when you actually just listen to someone without being a distracted spaz plotting your next Instagram post during a conversation.”

16. “I feel like being psychic might just be the natural result of what happens when you actually just listen to someone without being a distracted spaz plotting your next Instagram post during a conversation.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “My definition of ‘love’ is being willing to die for someone who you yourself want to kill. That, in my experience, is kind of the deal.”

17. “My definition of ‘love’ is being willing to die for someone who you yourself want to kill. That, in my experience, is kind of the deal.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “It just baffles me how badly evolution is bombing on the fertility front; it makes no sense that when I was the least equipped mentally and financially to have a kid, I was the most able to. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: Biology is a raging, sexist psychopath.”

18. “It just baffles me how badly evolution is bombing on the fertility front; it makes no sense that when I was the least equipped mentally and financially to have a kid, I was the most able to. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: Biology is a raging, sexist psychopath.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “Protecting people from the aftermath of their choices isn’t thoughtful or benevolent; it just takes away their ability to grow. The nicest thing that guy could have done was to let me suffer so I could become a stronger comic.”

19. “Protecting people from the aftermath of their choices isn’t thoughtful or benevolent; it just takes away their ability to grow. The nicest thing that guy could have done was to let me suffer so I could become a stronger comic.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “We’re all five.”

20. “We’re all five.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “I had always thought crying was a sing of failure. In our culture we’re made to feel ashmed of showing our feelinngs, of being vulnerable. If a woman cries, she’s crazy, emotional, has PMS, or whatever the most current pejorative dismissive term is.”

21. “I had always thought crying was a sing of failure. In our culture we’re made to feel ashmed of showing our feelinngs, of being vulnerable. If a woman cries, she’s crazy, emotional, has PMS, or whatever the most current pejorative dismissive term is.”

— Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings Quote: “My dad showed me that it’s my responsibility to provide my own joy, and that every moment is a chance to find lightness.”

22. “My dad showed me that it’s my responsibility to provide my own joy, and that every moment is a chance to find lightness.”

— Whitney Cummings

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