Top 60 Andy Borowitz Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”

— Andy Borowitz

2. “It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”

— Andy Borowitz

3. “Facebook’s new relationship status option: “No longer able to interact with actual people””

— Andy Borowitz

4. “Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.”

— Andy Borowitz

5. “Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.”

— Andy Borowitz

6. “Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.”

— Andy Borowitz

7. “If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn’t have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.”

— Andy Borowitz

8. “Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.”

— Andy Borowitz

9. “Maybe I’m a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.”

— Andy Borowitz

10. “Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don’t really know.”

— Andy Borowitz

11. “Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.”

— Andy Borowitz

12. “Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.”

— Andy Borowitz

13. “It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.”

— Andy Borowitz

14. “A surgeon is like a car mechanic – you only know how good he is after the job is done.”

— Andy Borowitz

15. “Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a “religious” meaning.”

— Andy Borowitz

16. “Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.”

— Andy Borowitz

17. “You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.”

— Andy Borowitz

18. “Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.”

— Andy Borowitz

19. “Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.”

— Andy Borowitz

20. “We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we’re still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.”

— Andy Borowitz

21. “The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.”

— Andy Borowitz

22. “White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak’s sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative’s identity, according to a story published today in “Duh” magazine.”

— Andy Borowitz

23. “Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.”

— Andy Borowitz

24. “Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.”

— Andy Borowitz

25. “Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue – he made Michele Bachmann for that.”

— Andy Borowitz

26. “The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.”

— Andy Borowitz

27. “All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.”

— Andy Borowitz

28. “The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.”

— Andy Borowitz

29. “It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.”

— Andy Borowitz

30. “I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.”

— Andy Borowitz

31. “If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.”

— Andy Borowitz

32. “On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.”

— Andy Borowitz

33. “Ann Romney: ‘The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.’”

— Andy Borowitz

34. “John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.”

— Andy Borowitz

35. “To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.”

— Andy Borowitz

36. “Let’s not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he’s said in public.”

— Andy Borowitz

37. “Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.”

— Andy Borowitz

38. “As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don’t believe in evolution.”

— Andy Borowitz

39. “Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.”

— Andy Borowitz

40. “Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.”

— Andy Borowitz

41. “Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew’s Birthday.”

— Andy Borowitz

42. “Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let’s take a harder look at electricity and soap.”

— Andy Borowitz

43. “Next time someone says, ‘Where has big government ever gotten us?’ the correct answer is ‘Mars.’”

— Andy Borowitz

44. “US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.”

— Andy Borowitz

45. “Let’s withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America – that’s the only way we’ll get new schools and roads.”

— Andy Borowitz

46. “Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.”

— Andy Borowitz

47. “Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress’s role.”

— Andy Borowitz

48. “NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.”

— Andy Borowitz

49. “A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you’re poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.”

— Andy Borowitz

50. “As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.”

— Andy Borowitz