Top 50 Artie Lange Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “You haven’t lived till you’ve played Scrabble in a psych ward.”

— Artie Lange

2. “Don’t do drugs to be cool, do ’em because you hate yourself.”

— Artie Lange

3. “It’s good to be alive.”

— Artie Lange

4. “Whiskey will always be a part of my life.”

— Artie Lange

5. “My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.”

— Artie Lange

6. “Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.”

— Artie Lange

7. “For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer’s kid’s bar mitzvah.”

— Artie Lange

8. “I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don’t snort heroin. It’s too good.”

— Artie Lange

9. “I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.”

— Artie Lange

10. “I have a bad gambling problem. You’re not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.”

— Artie Lange

11. “It’s not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it’s just drugs.”

— Artie Lange

12. “I’m the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o’clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.”

— Artie Lange

13. “I used to be a longshoreman. I didn’t go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.”

— Artie Lange

14. “I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it’s gross. And, by the way, it’s gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.”

— Artie Lange

15. “If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?”

— Artie Lange

16. “You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don’t curse.”

— Artie Lange

17. “I’m not going to lie to you fellas, I’ve been drinking.”

— Artie Lange

18. “Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.”

— Artie Lange

19. “In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman’s 40th birthday party, it’s a retirement party.”

— Artie Lange

20. “A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don’t realize this, he’s a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he’d ground out to second for him.”

— Artie Lange

21. “The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don’t drink in moderation.”

— Artie Lange

22. “At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota.”

— Artie Lange

23. “I like gambling on stuff that you don’t know anything about. That’s when it’s exciting.”

— Artie Lange

24. “Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.”

— Artie Lange

25. “Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.”

— Artie Lange

26. “It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn’t the greatest looking guy in the world.”

— Artie Lange

27. “I’m very resilient. The only thing I’m missing right now are abs.”

— Artie Lange

28. “When I black out, it’s the happiest time of my life.”

— Artie Lange

29. “When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy’s stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, ’cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.”

— Artie Lange

30. “I wish I was this dark genius artist – like Richard Pryor or something.”

— Artie Lange

31. “It’s a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me – I’m fine with the card I got. I’m gonna play this.”

— Artie Lange

32. “The only reason I can’t recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.”

— Artie Lange

33. “A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.”

— Artie Lange

34. “I’ve never been swimming, and that’s because it’s never been more than half an hour since I last ate.”

— Artie Lange

35. “Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there’s 18 websites that predict my early death.”

— Artie Lange

36. “Howard’s unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.”

— Artie Lange

37. “When you’re on the road a lot, you’re in perpetual search of a good night’s sleep.”

— Artie Lange

38. “I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won’t say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.”

— Artie Lange

39. “I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I’ll save $32,000.”

— Artie Lange

40. “I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.”

— Artie Lange

41. “And now it looks like I’m probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.”

— Artie Lange

42. “Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.”

— Artie Lange

43. “I ain’t apologizing for anything, especially if it’s a joke.”

— Artie Lange

44. “Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that’s as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.”

— Artie Lange

45. “Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.”

— Artie Lange

46. “Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can’t have women voting.”

— Artie Lange

47. “Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.”

— Artie Lange

48. “I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.”

— Artie Lange

49. “I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.”

— Artie Lange

50. “By the time I am Howard’s age I hope to be long retired. I don’t plan on working that long.”

— Artie Lange