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Top 350 Augusten Burroughs Quotes (2026 Update)
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Augusten Burroughs Quote: “I wish I had a tray table in my bedroom and I wish I smoked, just so I could extinguish my smoking materials.”

201. “I wish I had a tray table in my bedroom and I wish I smoked, just so I could extinguish my smoking materials.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “The Schnauzer listens to jazz. I listen to jazz because he likes it, and I have even gone to jazz concerts with him, but truthfully I would rather listen to retarded children pounding on pan lids with wooden spoons.”

202. “The Schnauzer listens to jazz. I listen to jazz because he likes it, and I have even gone to jazz concerts with him, but truthfully I would rather listen to retarded children pounding on pan lids with wooden spoons.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “Never, ever try to impress somebody. Be exactly the person you would be if you were alone or with somebody it was safe to fart around.”

203. “Never, ever try to impress somebody. Be exactly the person you would be if you were alone or with somebody it was safe to fart around.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “Well, you know, just some old man all alone. God, I hope I don’t end up alone like that. Some pathetic old woman with nobody to go on a whale watch with.”

204. “Well, you know, just some old man all alone. God, I hope I don’t end up alone like that. Some pathetic old woman with nobody to go on a whale watch with.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “And we were married and all the windows were open but the smell of flowers was so thick and sickly sweet. I felt like I might choke to death.”

205. “And we were married and all the windows were open but the smell of flowers was so thick and sickly sweet. I felt like I might choke to death.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “It terrified me to consider: What if, as a grown-up, I craved another body beside me as still as this one? What then?”

206. “It terrified me to consider: What if, as a grown-up, I craved another body beside me as still as this one? What then?”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “Riding back from the grocery store, I realized my father was two men – one he presented to the outside world, and one, far darker, that was always there, behind the face everybody else saw. In my bedroom late that.”

207. “Riding back from the grocery store, I realized my father was two men – one he presented to the outside world, and one, far darker, that was always there, behind the face everybody else saw. In my bedroom late that.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “The year I snuck an interracial lesbian couple into the background of an American Airlines commercial, I was feeling particularly flush.”

208. “The year I snuck an interracial lesbian couple into the background of an American Airlines commercial, I was feeling particularly flush.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “Normal people hadn’t been molested or reared by a clinically psychotic mother, an alcoholic father, or a perversely mad psychiatrist who wore a Santa hat and performed toilet bowl readings. These were normal people, and I lived among them now. I thought, This must be what I want.”

209. “Normal people hadn’t been molested or reared by a clinically psychotic mother, an alcoholic father, or a perversely mad psychiatrist who wore a Santa hat and performed toilet bowl readings. These were normal people, and I lived among them now. I thought, This must be what I want.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “I’m like the guy who prepares your taxes or a dentist. I’m very conservative and boring in a lot of ways.”

210. “I’m like the guy who prepares your taxes or a dentist. I’m very conservative and boring in a lot of ways.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “She reminded me of a scatterbrained old Cadillac that had been driven into the ground but somehow kept on starting, without fuss.”

211. “She reminded me of a scatterbrained old Cadillac that had been driven into the ground but somehow kept on starting, without fuss.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “No matter how awful something is, you can always sell tickets.”

212. “No matter how awful something is, you can always sell tickets.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “Dennis’s superior mental health was obvious from the first date, like a cleft palate. The other thing about him was that he had shapely, muscular legs. His calves were so sculpted they looked artificial, like silicone implants. This is a look I’m fond of. In fact, if I had been born a girl there is no doubt in my mind that my chest cavity would have been stuffed with two softball-sized orbs of silicone before my eleventh birthday. In this way my own mental health is somewhat like a cleft palate.”

213. “Dennis’s superior mental health was obvious from the first date, like a cleft palate. The other thing about him was that he had shapely, muscular legs. His calves were so sculpted they looked artificial, like silicone implants. This is a look I’m fond of. In fact, if I had been born a girl there is no doubt in my mind that my chest cavity would have been stuffed with two softball-sized orbs of silicone before my eleventh birthday. In this way my own mental health is somewhat like a cleft palate.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “Loss creates a greater overall surface area within a person. You expand as a result of it. Though it may very well feel like the opposite.”

214. “Loss creates a greater overall surface area within a person. You expand as a result of it. Though it may very well feel like the opposite.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “I think out of seven billion people, there is probably more than just one soul mate. Surely, the paid employee in charge of each person’s love life has taken into account the possibility of fatal snake bites and heavy falling objects.”

215. “I think out of seven billion people, there is probably more than just one soul mate. Surely, the paid employee in charge of each person’s love life has taken into account the possibility of fatal snake bites and heavy falling objects.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “This is what I’m saying: you hate your life. But you don’t know what life is. Life is too huge for you to possibly hate. If you hate life, you haven’t seen enough of it. If you hate your life, it’s because your life is too small and doesn’t fit you.”

216. “This is what I’m saying: you hate your life. But you don’t know what life is. Life is too huge for you to possibly hate. If you hate life, you haven’t seen enough of it. If you hate your life, it’s because your life is too small and doesn’t fit you.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “The decided mind is a closed mind. A closed mind can keep you separated from the ultimate truth.”

217. “The decided mind is a closed mind. A closed mind can keep you separated from the ultimate truth.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “I was in advertising for years. That was cushy, you know? It’s pretty cushy in a lot of ways, but I hated it.”

218. “I was in advertising for years. That was cushy, you know? It’s pretty cushy in a lot of ways, but I hated it.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “I understood that I was clearly insane. But he apparently hadn’t picked up on how many times in one short letter I asserted that I was not. This acceptance of my questionable mental health made me feel confident that we would be compatible, possibly for life. I.”

219. “I understood that I was clearly insane. But he apparently hadn’t picked up on how many times in one short letter I asserted that I was not. This acceptance of my questionable mental health made me feel confident that we would be compatible, possibly for life. I.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “How many of the things I fear or dread are actually things that I want?”

220. “How many of the things I fear or dread are actually things that I want?”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “Therapy could be of tremendous benefit to “getting over” one’s past if the therapy is focused on specific ways to stop submitting to the temptation to obsess. Many people with difficult histories carry these histories with them, burnishing the past with each retelling.”

221. “Therapy could be of tremendous benefit to “getting over” one’s past if the therapy is focused on specific ways to stop submitting to the temptation to obsess. Many people with difficult histories carry these histories with them, burnishing the past with each retelling.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “You know, sometimes just giving yourself permission to feel any emotion without judgment or censorship can lessen the intensity of those negative emotions.”

222. “You know, sometimes just giving yourself permission to feel any emotion without judgment or censorship can lessen the intensity of those negative emotions.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “The truth is that life itself is brutally, obscenely unfair. Consider all those other millions of sperm cells that were just as good as the one that resulted in you, and where are they now? Dead, nowhere.”

223. “The truth is that life itself is brutally, obscenely unfair. Consider all those other millions of sperm cells that were just as good as the one that resulted in you, and where are they now? Dead, nowhere.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “I never listen to music when I write.”

224. “I never listen to music when I write.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “If I were a serial killer, I would not be the kind that stabs and then eats the victim. I would be the kind that hides in a tree and shoots at the aerobics class.”

225. “If I were a serial killer, I would not be the kind that stabs and then eats the victim. I would be the kind that hides in a tree and shoots at the aerobics class.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “I never question the way I write. Writing is the only thing that’s without seams for me. It’s an effort to talk because my pictures have to be turned into these sounds. It’s an effort to be alive. It’s work. But writing is wonderful.”

226. “I never question the way I write. Writing is the only thing that’s without seams for me. It’s an effort to talk because my pictures have to be turned into these sounds. It’s an effort to be alive. It’s work. But writing is wonderful.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “This is the right house and the right life, but it’s weird because I’ve never had a home before; I’ve had addresses.”

227. “This is the right house and the right life, but it’s weird because I’ve never had a home before; I’ve had addresses.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “There is helium in his tone of voice, a lightness that means mischief.”

228. “There is helium in his tone of voice, a lightness that means mischief.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “I was learning that if I lived slightly in the future-what will happen next-I didn’t have to feel so much about what was going on in the present.”

229. “I was learning that if I lived slightly in the future-what will happen next-I didn’t have to feel so much about what was going on in the present.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “Because here is the truth: If you want to have a chance at meeting somebody with whom you are genuinely compatible, never put your best foot forward.”

230. “Because here is the truth: If you want to have a chance at meeting somebody with whom you are genuinely compatible, never put your best foot forward.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “Applause is a constant thing in AA. It’s how we buy drinks for each other.”

231. “Applause is a constant thing in AA. It’s how we buy drinks for each other.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “Avoid self-pity by taking responsibility for everything that happens to you, even if somebody else is at fault. By taking responsibility, I don’t mean play doormat. I mean, repair yourself. Move forward. Move on. Then, only then, see if you can wrangle some empathy.”

232. “Avoid self-pity by taking responsibility for everything that happens to you, even if somebody else is at fault. By taking responsibility, I don’t mean play doormat. I mean, repair yourself. Move forward. Move on. Then, only then, see if you can wrangle some empathy.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “As my friend Amy observed: “Divorce is like a Polaroid picture. What truly happened will develop over time and you will see.”

233. “As my friend Amy observed: “Divorce is like a Polaroid picture. What truly happened will develop over time and you will see.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “It’s weird – sort of not terribly wise – to take a book that was successful and then change its cover.”

234. “It’s weird – sort of not terribly wise – to take a book that was successful and then change its cover.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “To me, these people were as exotic as animals in a zoo. I’d never seen anything like them. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to be one of them or simply live among them taking notes and photographs.”

235. “To me, these people were as exotic as animals in a zoo. I’d never seen anything like them. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to be one of them or simply live among them taking notes and photographs.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “He continues to smile expectantly. I take a step back. I don’t want to catch whatever he has. He is a disturbing out-of-uniform Santa.”

236. “He continues to smile expectantly. I take a step back. I don’t want to catch whatever he has. He is a disturbing out-of-uniform Santa.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “There’s not enough of me left over.”

237. “There’s not enough of me left over.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “That may be true,” I thought, “But they don’t have digital cable or Internet access, so really what’s the point of being alive?” Civilized life, with all its threats and potential dooms, is too much to bear without the respite of three hundred channels. True, Osama bin Laden may very well send nuclear-bomb-filled suitcases on Amtrak trains into Penn Station, but until then: “I Love the 80s on VH1.”

238. “That may be true,” I thought, “But they don’t have digital cable or Internet access, so really what’s the point of being alive?” Civilized life, with all its threats and potential dooms, is too much to bear without the respite of three hundred channels. True, Osama bin Laden may very well send nuclear-bomb-filled suitcases on Amtrak trains into Penn Station, but until then: “I Love the 80s on VH1.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “You’re supposed to go to a meeting. I mean, as much as you hate them or if they feel stupid or you just don’t want to go. The thing is, if you go to a meeting, you won’t drink that day. It’s like a minibrainwash. It kind of fixes you for a little while.” But then I say, “Of course if I’m really wallowing in self-pity, then I’ll tell myself, ‘Pighead would give anything to feel this uncomfortable right now.’ ” So there’s always the auto–guilt trip method.”

239. “You’re supposed to go to a meeting. I mean, as much as you hate them or if they feel stupid or you just don’t want to go. The thing is, if you go to a meeting, you won’t drink that day. It’s like a minibrainwash. It kind of fixes you for a little while.” But then I say, “Of course if I’m really wallowing in self-pity, then I’ll tell myself, ‘Pighead would give anything to feel this uncomfortable right now.’ ” So there’s always the auto–guilt trip method.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “Being busy is not the same as being focused. Being focused means being here.”

240. “Being busy is not the same as being focused. Being focused means being here.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “You must never allow something that happened to you to become a morbidly treasured heirloom that you carry, show people, put back in its black velvet pouch and then tuck back into your jacket where you can keep it close to your heart.”

241. “You must never allow something that happened to you to become a morbidly treasured heirloom that you carry, show people, put back in its black velvet pouch and then tuck back into your jacket where you can keep it close to your heart.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “Self-pity isn’t the most accurate description for this feeling because it describes only half of it: sad for me, I’m hurt. What’s missing is the other half: and you need to do something about it.”

242. “Self-pity isn’t the most accurate description for this feeling because it describes only half of it: sad for me, I’m hurt. What’s missing is the other half: and you need to do something about it.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “What I am certain of is that there’s something wonky going on beneath the surface of what we call reality. Things are not as they appear. They are much, much more.”

243. “What I am certain of is that there’s something wonky going on beneath the surface of what we call reality. Things are not as they appear. They are much, much more.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “But she had wanted it to work so she ignored these things. This is what happens when you go against the grain of truth: you get splinters later on.”

244. “But she had wanted it to work so she ignored these things. This is what happens when you go against the grain of truth: you get splinters later on.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “See, alcoholism is exactly like bubble gum. You know when you blow a bubble and it bursts, some of the gum sticks to you chin? What’s the only thing that gets the bubble gum off your chin? Bubble gum. You have to take the bubble gum out of your mouth and press it against the gum on your chin and it’ll pick it up. Only an alcoholic can treat another alcoholic. Only other alcoholics can get you sober.”

245. “See, alcoholism is exactly like bubble gum. You know when you blow a bubble and it bursts, some of the gum sticks to you chin? What’s the only thing that gets the bubble gum off your chin? Bubble gum. You have to take the bubble gum out of your mouth and press it against the gum on your chin and it’ll pick it up. Only an alcoholic can treat another alcoholic. Only other alcoholics can get you sober.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “I think writers tend to be experience junkies, and I think they also tend to want to be on the outside looking in.”

246. “I think writers tend to be experience junkies, and I think they also tend to want to be on the outside looking in.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “After I got my coffee, I leaned against a stop sign and sipped, pretending it was a normal day and I was only up this early so that I could go running and not because I’d just been on a killing spree.”

247. “After I got my coffee, I leaned against a stop sign and sipped, pretending it was a normal day and I was only up this early so that I could go running and not because I’d just been on a killing spree.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “And then just as suddenly, I felt absolutely nothing. It was like a door quickly opened, showing me what horrible feelings I had inside, and then slammed shut again so I wouldn’t have to actually face them. In many ways I felt I was living the life of a doctor in the ER. I was learning to block out all emotions in order to deal with the situation.”

248. “And then just as suddenly, I felt absolutely nothing. It was like a door quickly opened, showing me what horrible feelings I had inside, and then slammed shut again so I wouldn’t have to actually face them. In many ways I felt I was living the life of a doctor in the ER. I was learning to block out all emotions in order to deal with the situation.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “Even though I am wary of Nature. After all, where do most manhunts for escaped serial killers begin? Exactly. In the woods.”

249. “Even though I am wary of Nature. After all, where do most manhunts for escaped serial killers begin? Exactly. In the woods.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs Quote: “It is an awful, just sickening feeling, I discovered, to live with somebody, to exist in the midst of sharing a life, only to realize it is utterly doomed. It was botulism of the soul. I’d had such ambition for building a life together, because I wanted that strength of character and security. But I had overlooked the most important thing: he wasn’t right for me. I wasn’t right for him. Merely wanting us to be right and good together wasn’t enough.”

250. “It is an awful, just sickening feeling, I discovered, to live with somebody, to exist in the midst of sharing a life, only to realize it is utterly doomed. It was botulism of the soul. I’d had such ambition for building a life together, because I wanted that strength of character and security. But I had overlooked the most important thing: he wasn’t right for me. I wasn’t right for him. Merely wanting us to be right and good together wasn’t enough.”

— Augusten Burroughs

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