Top 60 Bauvard Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Just relax. Everyone around you is working too hard.”

— Bauvard

2. “Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.”

— Bauvard

3. “Nothing else matters now that you love me.? – suicide note.”

— Bauvard

4. “A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny.”

— Bauvard

5. “An empty skull is the vanitas symbol of modern education.”

— Bauvard

6. “It is under intense pressure that the most profound thoughts occur, in those dark remote spaces thinned of all but carnivores. The monsters of the deep have only each other to feed upon.”

— Bauvard

7. “Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.”

— Bauvard

8. “I don’t know the kind of person I’ll be tomorrow, but I’ll be able to look back on yesterday and ask “What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks.”

— Bauvard

9. “Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates.”

— Bauvard

10. “The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.”

— Bauvard

11. “I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead.”

— Bauvard

12. “Love is the escape plan from our scheduled existences.”

— Bauvard

13. “An anniversary is the perfect time to celebrate all the missed opportunities to correct a mistake, and even take vows to renew it.”

— Bauvard

14. “People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.”

— Bauvard

15. “I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.”

— Bauvard

16. “I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.”

— Bauvard

17. “Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.”

— Bauvard

18. “For a parched cheek, raindrops offer catharsis on loan. Those unable to weep can at least soak themselves in heaven’s sorrow.”

— Bauvard

19. “Love leads people to become lost in their own feelings and ignore the world, so it’s no surprise their love for the world goes unrequited.”

— Bauvard

20. “I didn’t sacrifice everything for love, just my mother when love required a caesarian.”

— Bauvard

21. “If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.”

— Bauvard

22. “The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won’t be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.”

— Bauvard

23. “When folly speaks in her own person, the fools only hear the praise.”

— Bauvard

24. “The law and a thin veil of insincerity, all that prevents me from strangling an etiquette coach.”

— Bauvard

25. “Highbrow Fiction: Since the invention of genre fiction, relegated from attention space to shelf space, then finally to empty space when no new editions are put out. The first category of literature in which the ideal reader and the real reader are one and the same – the writer.”

— Bauvard

26. “Save endangered whales, only great whites stir the thrill of the hunt within me.”

— Bauvard

27. “A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas.”

— Bauvard

28. “Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.”

— Bauvard

29. “Sentimentality provides a thousand things to say but makes the lips quiver too violently to speak in anything but mumbles.”

— Bauvard

30. “I like to write in poorly lit conditions. It allows darkness to creep into my humor, and bad eyesight to excuse me from accountability.”

— Bauvard

31. “Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder.”

— Bauvard

32. “Selfishness is a bad habit. That’s why I always rationally think through my decisions to act without regard for others.”

— Bauvard

33. “If you’re a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder.”

— Bauvard

34. “Use condoms; it’s wise not to gamble with your children’s future.”

— Bauvard

35. “First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.”

— Bauvard

36. “If I weren’t too proud, I’d boast of my exaggerated opinion of myself.”

— Bauvard

37. “Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.”

— Bauvard

38. “Like Saturn at a family reunion, we ravenously devour children, parents, cousins – all which threatens the integrity of the self, which renders it less than completely unique. The babysitter, too, must go: even the chance of a divulged memory must be snuffed out.”

— Bauvard

39. “So many things happen that we can’t control, its best not to worry about what we can. Believing you can change the world has a terrible effect on one’s ego.”

— Bauvard

40. “Genre Fiction: grand visual spectacles produced to save bookstoregoers the misery of viewing the awful word versions.”

— Bauvard

41. “Inconsistent parenting creates confusion. When I’m pitting mom against dad, they never know what to expect.”

— Bauvard

42. “I dropped out of school and congratulated myself for my diligence. Few realize how hard one has to work to resist the pressures of conventional success.”

— Bauvard

43. “Nothing is more attractive than universal appeal. That is what makes androgyny the peacekeeping persuasion.”

— Bauvard

44. “I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.”

— Bauvard

45. “Like a valet who commits grand theft auto not to go for a joy ride but to open a used car lot, so do we seize upon love not to revel in its ecstasies but to haggle over its blue-book value.”

— Bauvard

46. “One never owns a book. It sits on your shelf in a fine edition like a piece of furniture, and you are its admiring ward until it flies off from you in a time of financial hardship. If it is a tattered paperback, she is your casual mistress you use a few times. If you have read it a hundred times then it is your wife, and a source of infinite mystery.”

— Bauvard

47. “Frogs. We all want their long tongues and jumping power, but aspiring superheroes rarely consider the benefits of growing up as sperm.”

— Bauvard

48. “Teacher: a master who, through personal example, inspires students to rebel against learning.”

— Bauvard

49. “Somewhere in the background of magnificence lurks the kitchen staff. But a magnificent person only forgets about his origins, never his brunch.”

— Bauvard

50. “I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.”

— Bauvard