Top 60 Bill Bailey Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Work hard, save and live within your means.”

— Bill Bailey

2. “Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.”

— Bill Bailey

3. “The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life – that way you’ve always got a couple of days in hand.”

— Bill Bailey

4. “Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.”

— Bill Bailey

5. “I got ham but I’m not a Hamster.”

— Bill Bailey

6. “I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’”

— Bill Bailey

7. “It’s true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.”

— Bill Bailey

8. “People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’”

— Bill Bailey

9. “So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!”

— Bill Bailey

10. “I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment ! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.”

— Bill Bailey

11. “The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.”

— Bill Bailey

12. “What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.”

— Bill Bailey

13. “I am a confectionery-based existentialist.”

— Bill Bailey

14. “Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.”

— Bill Bailey

15. “Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.”

— Bill Bailey

16. “Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’”

— Bill Bailey

17. “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”

— Bill Bailey

18. “Relaxed Empiricism – I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.”

— Bill Bailey

19. “I’m English and, as such, I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.”

— Bill Bailey

20. “I’m a post-modern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.”

— Bill Bailey

21. “A feminist jumps out of a manhole – oh, and she didn’t like that.”

— Bill Bailey

22. “I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!”

— Bill Bailey

23. “Thank God for Darwin, eh?”

— Bill Bailey

24. “This shed does not contain me.”

— Bill Bailey

25. “Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.”

— Bill Bailey

26. “I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.”

— Bill Bailey

27. “Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don’t actually think that’s the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote ‘my brain is melting’ ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.”

— Bill Bailey

28. “Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’”

— Bill Bailey

29. “Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it’s thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.”

— Bill Bailey

30. “Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it.”

— Bill Bailey

31. “I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’”

— Bill Bailey

32. “My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.”

— Bill Bailey

33. “The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.”

— Bill Bailey

34. “I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.”

— Bill Bailey

35. “But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!””

— Bill Bailey

36. “There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.”

— Bill Bailey

37. “I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.”

— Bill Bailey

38. “I spent money on a decent bike, a bit of kit for paddle boarding and I like bird watching so I bought a decent pair of binoculars but as far as bottles of Cristal champagne and Gucci loafers? No, blingy and showy stuff isn’t me.”

— Bill Bailey

39. “Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!!”

— Bill Bailey

40. “It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life...”

— Bill Bailey

41. “At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time. I got into a theatre company and started doing stand-up gigs for cash, so I lived hand-to-mouth, but there was always enough to pay the bills.”

— Bill Bailey

42. “I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.”

— Bill Bailey

43. “I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.”

— Bill Bailey

44. “Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.”

— Bill Bailey

45. “I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine.”

— Bill Bailey

46. “Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.”

— Bill Bailey

47. “I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.”

— Bill Bailey

48. “If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.”

— Bill Bailey

49. “Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?”

— Bill Bailey

50. “American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.”

— Bill Bailey