Top 70 Bill Burr Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Deny your emotions and act like you have answers.”

— Bill Burr

Featured in: Humor Quotes

2. “There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you like 17 right off the top of my head.”

— Bill Burr

3. “Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.”

— Bill Burr

4. “Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.”

— Bill Burr

5. “Let’s go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you’re thinking.”

— Bill Burr

6. “I think I know how to raise a kid. You just play catch with ’em. You just talk about life, and you distract them by throwing the ball. They don’t even notice that you’re filling up their heads with your theories.”

— Bill Burr

7. “To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I’m just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.”

— Bill Burr

8. “Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.”

— Bill Burr

9. “I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.”

— Bill Burr

10. “Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.”

— Bill Burr

11. “I am so pro-swine flu it’s ridiculous.”

— Bill Burr

12. “Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!”

— Bill Burr

13. “Haven’t you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?”

— Bill Burr

14. “My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn’t be funny, but to observe it, it’s hilarious.”

— Bill Burr

15. “You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.”

— Bill Burr

16. “There’s no “brothers” when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don’t care about each other. He’s not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio – I don’t know that guy.”

— Bill Burr

17. “Realize that sleeping on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.”

— Bill Burr

18. “A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they’re really small.”

— Bill Burr

19. “What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?”

— Bill Burr

20. “I’ve never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It’s always the little things that do me in.”

— Bill Burr

21. “I wish they would teach it in schools: Give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are really talented and scared to follow their talent because you don’t know where it’s going.”

— Bill Burr

22. “I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don’t. The misery will come. The misery will find you.”

— Bill Burr

23. “I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed. I was scared. People were expecting me to be funny. I gotta be honest, every time I walk into a club, it’s that same fear.”

— Bill Burr

24. “I’m not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.”

— Bill Burr

25. “I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today...”

— Bill Burr

26. “You know, it wasn’t even that I’m a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I’d be able to do it the way I wanted to do it.”

— Bill Burr

27. “Patrice O’Neal is the best comic I ever saw.”

— Bill Burr

28. “I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right?”

— Bill Burr

29. “Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes.”

— Bill Burr

30. “Once you do a joke and it works it’s only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel.”

— Bill Burr

31. “Podcasting is great. Total freedom.”

— Bill Burr

32. “I’m not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.”

— Bill Burr

33. “Business runs hot and cold so the more you’re in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are.”

— Bill Burr

34. “Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I’m yelling?”

— Bill Burr

35. “I gotta be honest with you. Im kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?”

— Bill Burr

36. “If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene.”

— Bill Burr

37. “Carnegie Hall is as good as they say it is. It’s not like Stonehenge which looks great in books but then you go there and it’s a pile of rocks next to a highway. There’s actually a highway right next to it, but you don’t see that in pictures.”

— Bill Burr

38. “There is a very difficult period in a comedian’s career – it’s that window of time where you’re good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet.”

— Bill Burr

39. “Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.”

— Bill Burr

40. “I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.”

— Bill Burr

41. “I was painfully shy when I was younger but at some point you’ve gotta grow up. I think the genius in the man-boy thing is you tap into a woman’s motherly instincts.”

— Bill Burr

42. “The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.”

— Bill Burr

43. “My parents have a ridiculous work ethic; my dad just works, works, works, works, works. I think it would be hard to find a guy who’s logged more hours than that guy.”

— Bill Burr

44. “I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I’d like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don’t have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I’m shooting for the middle.”

— Bill Burr

45. “Working on the Dave Chappelle show was amazing.”

— Bill Burr

46. “The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I’m in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can’t seem to come up with anything new that’s funny. That’s a tough place to be as a comedian.”

— Bill Burr

47. “When I watch ‘Breaking Bad,’ my stomach is in knots.”

— Bill Burr

48. “Everyone should just drive out to the Mojave Desert and just experience it, and it’s a fun place to live.”

— Bill Burr

49. “If I can sell out clubs and theaters and play dirtbags in movies, and get blown up in a car or get the crap beat out of me in a movie, that’s good for me; I’m good.”

— Bill Burr

50. “I’m always looking at new ways to tell a joke so that it doesn’t get stale while working on new jokes every night or I would go absolutely crazy and would want to kill myself. I just want to go in there and talk about what’s bugging me.”

— Bill Burr