Top 40 Humor Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”

— Charles Bukowski

Also featured in: Faith Quotes

2. “Do what you do best, and outsource the rest.”

— Peter F. Drucker

3. “Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.”

— Edward De Bono

Also featured in: Creativity Quotes

4. “Of course I don’t look busy, I did it right the first time.”

— Scott Adams

Also featured in: Firsts Quotes

5. “Nothing is stronger than habit.”

— Ovid

Also featured in: Habit Quotes

6. “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”

— Groucho Marx

Also featured in: Time Quotes

7. “The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.”

— David Ogilvy

Also featured in: Creativity Quotes

8. “Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”

— Chris Rock

Also featured in: Smart Quotes

9. “Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”

— Ellen DeGeneres

Also featured in: Procrastination Quotes

10. “Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.”

— Bill Hicks

11. “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

— Steven Wright

12. “When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.”

— Voltaire

13. “If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’”

— Dave Barry

14. “Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care.”

— Terry Pratchett

15. “Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.”

— Steve Martin

16. “I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use.”

— Galileo Galilei

17. “Action without thought is mindlessness, and thought without action is hypocritical.”

— Ayn Rand

Also featured in: Action Quotes

18. “Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.”

— Robin Williams

Also featured in: Quotes About Money

19. “A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.”

— George Bernard Shaw

Also featured in: Quotes About Fire

20. “Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.”

— Will Rogers

21. “First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”

— George Burns

22. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

— George Carlin

23. “Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.”

— H. L. Mencken

24. “They muddy the water, to make it seem deep.”

— Friedrich Nietzsche

25. “A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.”

— Ludwig Wittgenstein

26. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Humility Quotes, Quotes About Laughter

27. “Men are disturbed not by the things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen.”

— Epictetus

28. “One does not accumulate but eliminate. It is not daily increase but daily decrease. The height of cultivation always runs to simplicity.”

— Bruce Lee

29. “The status quo sucks.”

— George Carlin

30. “I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.”

— Bill Hicks

31. “Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.”

— Alan Watts

Also featured in: Self-Esteem Quotes

32. “When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.”

— Steven Wright

33. “Turn your melodrama into a mellow drama.”

— Ram Dass

34. “So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”

— Theodore Roosevelt

Also featured in: Victory Quotes

35. “When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth.”

— Kurt Vonnegut

36. “Men, their rights, and nothing more; women, their rights, and nothing less.”

— Susan B. Anthony

Also featured in: Witty Quotes

37. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.”

— Robert Bloch

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Quotes About Feelings

38. “Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.”

— George Burns

39. “The habit of being happy enables one to be freed, or largely freed, from the domination of outward conditions.”

— Robert Louis Stevenson

Also featured in: Habit Quotes, Being Happy Quotes