Top 100 Christopher Titus Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he’s too big to eat.”

— Christopher Titus

52. “Clint Eastwood doesn’t moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!”

— Christopher Titus

53. “Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.”

— Christopher Titus

54. “In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We’re not losers.”

— Christopher Titus

55. “Divorce is just about change, you know. It’s God saying, You need a change. And I’m going to make it so your bank account only has change.”

— Christopher Titus

56. “My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who’s the best man now?”

— Christopher Titus

57. “They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.”

— Christopher Titus

58. “I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I’ve completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.”

— Christopher Titus

59. “My mum is in a mental hospital. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people all had a touch of crazy that fuelled their brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mum. Pft. Then again, Winston Churchill never tried to kill my dad.”

— Christopher Titus

60. “My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn’t.”

— Christopher Titus

61. “So what if your custom car shop tanks and you’ve gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I’m okay with that, ’cause I’m an ignorant, pushy people person.”

— Christopher Titus

62. “Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die. And then some. Mum, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you’re not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mum.”

— Christopher Titus

63. “I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare.”

— Christopher Titus

64. “In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on the fence to die. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay? They killed him.”

— Christopher Titus

65. “Martha Stewart’s a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What’s next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?”

— Christopher Titus

66. “My dad invented road rage. He wasn’t the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.”

— Christopher Titus

67. “My random acts of violence weren’t random. They were premeditated.”

— Christopher Titus

68. “Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we’ll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can’t keep having them!”

— Christopher Titus

69. “Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn’t mind.”

— Christopher Titus

70. “And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.”

— Christopher Titus

71. “And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don’t up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!”

— Christopher Titus

72. “Lady, if you laugh and you don’t make a noise, you’re a shaker, and it’s freaking me out.”

— Christopher Titus

73. “When you’re born, you’re pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it’s the only time we’re perfect. You’re also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.”

— Christopher Titus

74. “I don’t tell people I’m white anymore – I’m albino-Cambodian.”

— Christopher Titus

75. “My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.”

— Christopher Titus

76. “Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle’s 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?”

— Christopher Titus

77. “Sisters ruin everything. It’s in their job description.”

— Christopher Titus

78. “Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn’t a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.”

— Christopher Titus

79. “And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.”

— Christopher Titus

80. “Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, the girls never noticed your infantile moustache, ’cos they were hyptonised by the fire engine sized zit on your forehead.”

— Christopher Titus

81. “All of Dad’s relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.”

— Christopher Titus

82. “Jealousy – the Auschwitz of emotions.”

— Christopher Titus

83. “We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.”

— Christopher Titus

84. “If at first you don’t succeed, then drag racing isn’t for you.”

— Christopher Titus

85. “Osama’s dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Can’t I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?”

— Christopher Titus

86. “Humans are born, weak and helpless. We’re cursed with natural predators called parents. That’s why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she’s old and frail. But she can kick your dad’s ass.”

— Christopher Titus

87. “Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty – mmm mmm.”

— Christopher Titus

88. “Life, is easy. And if yours isn’t, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you’re just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don’t know how you roll out of bed every morning.”

— Christopher Titus

89. “At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.”

— Christopher Titus

90. “Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.”

— Christopher Titus

91. “Oh yeah, I’m mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.”

— Christopher Titus

92. “I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that’s why it feels like we are polarized.”

— Christopher Titus

93. “The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.”

— Christopher Titus

94. “Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.”

— Christopher Titus

95. “Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.”

— Christopher Titus

96. “I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn’t met yet.”

— Christopher Titus

97. “It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you’re caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.”

— Christopher Titus

98. “Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn’t, you’ll be too hammered to remember.”

— Christopher Titus

99. “Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don’t give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That’s in the Bible.”

— Christopher Titus

100. “I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.”

— Christopher Titus