Top 100 Christopher Titus Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Step up or step aside.”

— Christopher Titus

2. “I don’t fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn’t work.”

— Christopher Titus

3. “The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, Dune buggies. Woohoo!”

— Christopher Titus

4. “I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.”

— Christopher Titus

5. “The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.”

— Christopher Titus

6. “Everyone has an enemy. It’s why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.”

— Christopher Titus

7. “Benadryl – the seven-dollar babysitter.”

— Christopher Titus

8. “You don’t get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.”

— Christopher Titus

9. “We’re looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.”

— Christopher Titus

10. “Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.”

— Christopher Titus

11. “My dad’s full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.”

— Christopher Titus

12. “Why should I learn English? I’m never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.”

— Christopher Titus

13. “I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.”

— Christopher Titus

14. “I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren’t dysfunctional, we couldn’t function.”

— Christopher Titus

15. “The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad’s armed with a brick.”

— Christopher Titus

16. “I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say last husband because you don’t get another one after that.”

— Christopher Titus

17. “Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.”

— Christopher Titus

18. “No problem is so big and difficult that it can’t be blamed on somebody else.”

— Christopher Titus

19. “Sometimes, to help the people you love, you’ve gotta commit a felony.”

— Christopher Titus

20. “My mum was crazy. And her mum was crazy. And her mum’s mum was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers? When I go to dinner with friends should I not use a fork ’cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How’s the baby?”

— Christopher Titus

21. “Losing builds character. You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I’m talking about me.”

— Christopher Titus

22. “Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.”

— Christopher Titus

23. “Born free. Taxed to death.”

— Christopher Titus

24. “Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Yeah and I heard that and thought, I’m out!”

— Christopher Titus

25. “Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee and die.”

— Christopher Titus

26. “If you want something bad enough, you’ve got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.”

— Christopher Titus

27. “My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he’d take it ’cos he was dying. It’s not that he doesn’t love me, ’cos he does. It’s just that special kind of love that feels like neglect.”

— Christopher Titus

28. “I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.”

— Christopher Titus

29. “The normal make a living. The deranged make history.”

— Christopher Titus

30. “They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy’s head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can’t get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it’s not torture.”

— Christopher Titus

31. “I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan’s anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, Kate.”

— Christopher Titus

32. “My dad don’t like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.”

— Christopher Titus

33. “The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?”

— Christopher Titus

34. “My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!”

— Christopher Titus

35. “Revenge is good. It’s what separates us from the animals and the hippies.”

— Christopher Titus

36. “Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don’t want to go to prison for that. Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder? And then, you have to say, Love. And, that’s definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.”

— Christopher Titus

37. “I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, ’cause dumbass couldn’t get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.”

— Christopher Titus

38. “Nobody’s really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can’t trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder!”

— Christopher Titus

39. “Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there’s someone out there who’s your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, You gotta nail her!”

— Christopher Titus

40. “Fighting Dad’s not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you’ve just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!”

— Christopher Titus

41. “Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family...”

— Christopher Titus

42. “My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha.”

— Christopher Titus

43. “I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.”

— Christopher Titus

44. “Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who’s got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.”

— Christopher Titus

45. “Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.”

— Christopher Titus

46. “You don’t give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That’s a communist idea. You don’t get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us?”

— Christopher Titus

47. “When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life, and I was stunned, because I didn’t know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.”

— Christopher Titus

48. “Pope John Paul didn’t die – he pre-boarded.”

— Christopher Titus

49. “How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.”

— Christopher Titus

50. “Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.”

— Christopher Titus