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Top 100 Christopher Titus Quotes (2024 Update)
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Christopher Titus Quote: “Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.”

101. “Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.”

102. “I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn’t die?”

103. “Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn’t die?”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “My dad’s all I’ve ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now – babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.”

104. “My dad’s all I’ve ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now – babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.”

105. “We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!”

106. “Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.”

107. “We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.”

108. “Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “Obama says he’s bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.”

109. “Obama says he’s bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.”

110. “In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “Satan called – he’s changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.”

111. “Satan called – he’s changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin’s test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!”

112. “The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin’s test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.”

113. “For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn’t die?”

114. “Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn’t die?”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “When you’re born, you’re pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!”

115. “When you’re born, you’re pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.”

116. “A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “I swore I would never get involved in my dad’s life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he’s my dad, I can’t send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, Look at the fairy! I was a wood nymph.”

117. “I swore I would never get involved in my dad’s life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he’s my dad, I can’t send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, Look at the fairy! I was a wood nymph.”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “I’m thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I’ve tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.”

118. “I’m thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I’ve tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.”

— Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quote: “Everyone’s a racist. It’s the one thing that makes us all the same.”

119. “Everyone’s a racist. It’s the one thing that makes us all the same.”

— Christopher Titus

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