Top 60 Craig Kilborn Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “If loving you is wrong, then I’ll just like you a whole bunch!”

— Craig Kilborn

2. “My brother asked me once, ‘Are you a misanthrope?’ And I said, ‘No, I just find people irritating.’”

— Craig Kilborn

3. “I enjoyed retirement the right way linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese.”

— Craig Kilborn

4. “Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he’s going to put it on his wife’s Gold Card.”

— Craig Kilborn

5. “Happy birthday to former First Lady Barbara Bush, who turned seventy-seven this week. Unfortunately, where her granddaughters helped blow out the candles on her cake, it exploded.”

— Craig Kilborn

6. “Or as hockey player Sergei Fedorov knows it, ‘The day I can legally start telling everyone I am sleeping with Anna Kournikova.’”

— Craig Kilborn

7. “Comedy doesn’t always have to come from a dark place.”

— Craig Kilborn

8. “Boeing is working on an invisible fighter jet so nobody can see who’s flying it. Didn’t George Bush fly this in the National Guard, I believe?”

— Craig Kilborn

9. “Today Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge lowered the terror alert from orange to yellow. Does anybody need 16 miles of duct tape?”

— Craig Kilborn

10. “President Bush announced a billion dollar mission to the moon and Mars. He came up with a snappy new slogan – to drill where no man has drilled before.”

— Craig Kilborn

11. “I think mankind is overly sensitive, very needy, greedy, and flawed.”

— Craig Kilborn

12. “Critics say Arnold has no previous government experience, but advisers say he’s clearly the most qualified Austrian, ex-Mr. Universe in the race.”

— Craig Kilborn

13. “Federal authorities have informed Martha Stewart’s lawyers she will be indicted for her role in the ImClone insider trading scandal. Good news for Martha – stripes are back in this year.”

— Craig Kilborn

14. “A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn’t answer the phone.”

— Craig Kilborn

15. “Tom Ridge now says we don’t have to run out and put plastic sheets all over the house. Great, tell that to my dead parakeet.”

— Craig Kilborn

16. “Howard Dean is narrowing the field of potential running mates. It’s down to Mike Tyson or Bobby Knight.”

— Craig Kilborn

17. “Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight different medications a day. He was so wasted, his Secret Service code name was Ted Kennedy.”

— Craig Kilborn

18. “I lived in a studio apartment until my mid-30s. I don’t have an extravagant lifestyle.”

— Craig Kilborn

19. “There has been no electricity in Baghdad for a week and the people are angry. You would be angry too if you couldn’t watch your brand new stolen TV.”

— Craig Kilborn

20. “Yesterday Jerry Springer bowed out of the Ohio Senate race. He said, ‘If I can’t run the most embarrassing campaign in America, then I’m out of here.’”

— Craig Kilborn

21. “Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog’s organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.”

— Craig Kilborn

22. “President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the ‘War on Jobs.’”

— Craig Kilborn

23. “President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they’re called Kerry campaign workers.”

— Craig Kilborn

24. “Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.”

— Craig Kilborn

25. “Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It’s the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark.”

— Craig Kilborn

26. “Over ten thousand people have signed a petition to recall Governor Schwarzenegger. I’m sorry, that is next year’s joke.”

— Craig Kilborn

27. “In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series.”

— Craig Kilborn

28. “Maria Shriver is credited with helping Arnold win by standing by him despite allegations of groping. She had to stand by him cause Arnold had a vice grip on her left ass cheek.”

— Craig Kilborn

29. “On Sunday, the president flies to the Azores islands to attend a summit with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Aznar, and here’s my prediction: Bush gets voted off.”

— Craig Kilborn

30. “John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit.”

— Craig Kilborn

31. “I think that you’re always going to have some people who are negative or view you in a certain way.”

— Craig Kilborn

32. “Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down.”

— Craig Kilborn

33. “People who go into show business are screwed up.”

— Craig Kilborn

34. “There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, ‘I do.’”

— Craig Kilborn

35. “I don’t do well around the angry, bitter and emotionally fragile among us, which may eliminate 70% of the population.”

— Craig Kilborn

36. “The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don’t we already have that? It’s called Fox News.”

— Craig Kilborn

37. “Hillary Clinton’s 506-page memoir has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern.”

— Craig Kilborn

38. “This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, ‘I’m John Kerry and I approve of this message – if I have one.’”

— Craig Kilborn

39. “In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here’s the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there.”

— Craig Kilborn

40. “Apparently, six women claim that Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them while working on his movies. Hats off to these women who admit they worked on Arnold’s movies.”

— Craig Kilborn

41. “John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq.”

— Craig Kilborn

42. “Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry.”

— Craig Kilborn

43. “New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn’t know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut.”

— Craig Kilborn

44. “I have a wonderful respect for old people.”

— Craig Kilborn

45. “Here in California, one candidate for governor is a 100-year-old woman. She’s going door-to-door and asking one simple question – ‘Do I live here?’”

— Craig Kilborn

46. “I always tell people I romanticize about doing something simple, like doing radio in northern California.”

— Craig Kilborn

47. “Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him. Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls.”

— Craig Kilborn

48. “In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq’s missile threat. Hey, he’s a guy.”

— Craig Kilborn

49. “California’s economy is declining so rapidly that candidates are asking ‘Are you better off now then you were four minutes ago?’”

— Craig Kilborn

50. “Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush’s budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with ‘Hey, look over there, it’s Saddam Hussein.’”

— Craig Kilborn