Top 150 Daniel Tosh Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.”

— Daniel Tosh

52. “I don’t know what’s more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?”

— Daniel Tosh

53. “The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?”

— Daniel Tosh

54. “I think it’s kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that’s stealing. Wow talk about ironic.”

— Daniel Tosh

55. “I don’t think I could stab somebody, cause I’m really bad at a Capri Sun.”

— Daniel Tosh

56. “I don’t know, maybe I’m immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she’s in the shower.”

— Daniel Tosh

57. “I’m actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...”

— Daniel Tosh

58. “Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.”

— Daniel Tosh

59. “Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.”

— Daniel Tosh

60. “You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can’t tell their sixteen year old daughter she’s not really a princess, well guess what, I can.”

— Daniel Tosh

61. “Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke’s on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that’s like, ‘I’m going to keep you warm.’ It’s like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson – the perfect pressure.”

— Daniel Tosh

62. “Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.”

— Daniel Tosh

63. “A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.”

— Daniel Tosh

64. “I’ll do anything usually if there’s money involved and little work.”

— Daniel Tosh

65. “I don’t want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I’m happy, or at least I look like it.”

— Daniel Tosh

66. “I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.”

— Daniel Tosh

67. “I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go ‘God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They’re fast. Back to you Bob.’”

— Daniel Tosh

68. “If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.”

— Daniel Tosh

69. “You don’t gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you’re about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?”

— Daniel Tosh

70. “The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it’s so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I’m watching a commercial.”

— Daniel Tosh

71. “This is what I say to the most conservative person that’s so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it’s legal, it’s not like God’s going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.”

— Daniel Tosh

72. “I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.”

— Daniel Tosh

73. “Describe your perfect man who looks like me...”

— Daniel Tosh

74. “I’ve always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.”

— Daniel Tosh

75. “I’m not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.”

— Daniel Tosh

76. “Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.”

— Daniel Tosh

77. “Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.”

— Daniel Tosh

78. “Stop saying you’re not racist because you have a friend that’s black. That’s like saying you’re not a pedophile because you have a friend that’s a kid.”

— Daniel Tosh

79. “The only thing better than the world’s cutest cat is any dog.”

— Daniel Tosh

80. “Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.”

— Daniel Tosh

81. “The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I’ll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.”

— Daniel Tosh

82. “I’m sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they’re clearly sixes at best.”

— Daniel Tosh

83. “Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.”

— Daniel Tosh

84. “I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.”

— Daniel Tosh

85. “Kangoroos can’t hop backwards.”

— Daniel Tosh

86. “I don’t know what fire is made of – hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I’m not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.”

— Daniel Tosh

87. “I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.”

— Daniel Tosh

88. “Finding my dog’s g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.”

— Daniel Tosh

89. “I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It’s beyond my comprehension.”

— Daniel Tosh

90. “Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.”

— Daniel Tosh

91. “Germany’s like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.”

— Daniel Tosh

92. “You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.”

— Daniel Tosh

93. “I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.”

— Daniel Tosh

94. “Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you’ll always lose because of the Mexicans.”

— Daniel Tosh

95. “The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they’re unemployed and they love crystal meth.”

— Daniel Tosh

96. “I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn’t hire me.”

— Daniel Tosh

97. “I started my own foundation. If you aren’t familiar with it, it’s called ‘Febreezing the homeless.’ Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?”

— Daniel Tosh

98. “Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.”

— Daniel Tosh

99. “Let’s be honest: it’s not like I’m not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we’re all in Aspen for Christmas.”

— Daniel Tosh

100. “You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!”

— Daniel Tosh