Top 150 Daniel Tosh Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!”

— Daniel Tosh

2. “No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.”

— Daniel Tosh

3. “If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.”

— Daniel Tosh

4. “Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.”

— Daniel Tosh

5. “God does not hate gay people. He’s just mad because they found a loophole in His system.”

— Daniel Tosh

6. “If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 – 0 is not enjoyable – unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.”

— Daniel Tosh

7. “Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.”

— Daniel Tosh

8. “It’s not a stereotype if it’s always true.”

— Daniel Tosh

9. “Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You’re gonna have to work. Yep.”

— Daniel Tosh

10. “It’s all fun and games until someone gets a boner.”

— Daniel Tosh

11. “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.”

— Daniel Tosh

12. “Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.”

— Daniel Tosh

13. “Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.”

— Daniel Tosh

14. “Sometimes, when I’m feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey, at least I’m not pregnant.”

— Daniel Tosh

15. “I like my women like I like my coffee. I don’t like coffee.”

— Daniel Tosh

16. “Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.”

— Daniel Tosh

17. “I have voices in my head, but they’re all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they’re saying.”

— Daniel Tosh

18. “A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I’m like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough.”

— Daniel Tosh

19. “If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?”

— Daniel Tosh

20. “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting!”

— Daniel Tosh

21. “Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.”

— Daniel Tosh

22. “Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle’s no. They’re not allowed.”

— Daniel Tosh

23. “Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.”

— Daniel Tosh

24. “I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, ‘Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.’”

— Daniel Tosh

25. “Babies aren’t dishwasher-safe.”

— Daniel Tosh

26. “I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I’m tired of walking 5K. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sweat for cancer. I’ll write a check.”

— Daniel Tosh

27. “If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That’s not my intention. I’m not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time – it’s how I know I still have one.”

— Daniel Tosh

28. “You are a sick freak who should be beaten.”

— Daniel Tosh

29. “Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.”

— Daniel Tosh

30. “One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.”

— Daniel Tosh

31. “My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can’t force you to give it back.”

— Daniel Tosh

32. “Maybe everyone doesn’t deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can’t you?”

— Daniel Tosh

33. “Scattergories is second base for Christians.”

— Daniel Tosh

34. “I’m aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.”

— Daniel Tosh

35. “When you’re in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It’s like diarrhea for your heart.”

— Daniel Tosh

36. “My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.”

— Daniel Tosh

37. “I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range.”

— Daniel Tosh

38. “If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they’d taste like their ethnic background?”

— Daniel Tosh

39. “I apologize if there’s a Parkinson’s painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.”

— Daniel Tosh

40. “Big can be beautiful – just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.”

— Daniel Tosh

41. “The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.”

— Daniel Tosh

42. “I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend’s wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they’re slimy, even though we know they’re not.”

— Daniel Tosh

43. “Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.”

— Daniel Tosh

44. “How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?”

— Daniel Tosh

45. “I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.”

— Daniel Tosh

46. “I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What’s it cost to go skiing – $900 a day? I can’t believe that’s not more popular in the inner cities.”

— Daniel Tosh

47. “The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?”

— Daniel Tosh

48. “I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow.”

— Daniel Tosh

49. “Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.”

— Daniel Tosh

50. “Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.”

— Daniel Tosh