Top 150 Daniel Tosh Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.”

— Daniel Tosh

102. “I think if you’re gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, ‘I’m dumb.’ That’s it. That way in 10 years, when you go, ‘Why did I get this?,’ you can be like, ‘Oh, I’m dumb!’”

— Daniel Tosh

103. “I’m not saying I’m smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.”

— Daniel Tosh

104. “It’s not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.”

— Daniel Tosh

105. “Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.”

— Daniel Tosh

106. “I wasn’t a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.”

— Daniel Tosh

107. “You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.”

— Daniel Tosh

108. “I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.”

— Daniel Tosh

109. “There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.”

— Daniel Tosh

110. “If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.”

— Daniel Tosh

111. “I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.”

— Daniel Tosh

112. “We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.”

— Daniel Tosh

113. “Big, skinny, regular size it doesn’t matter as long as your young.”

— Daniel Tosh

114. “Decorating the gym can’t mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.”

— Daniel Tosh

115. “I’ll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!”

— Daniel Tosh

116. “How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.”

— Daniel Tosh

117. “The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn’t have iTunes.”

— Daniel Tosh

118. “I don’t know why I get away with some things. But I’m not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.”

— Daniel Tosh

119. “Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.”

— Daniel Tosh

120. “It’s not Spring Break until somebody dies!”

— Daniel Tosh

121. “That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing ‘A’ really fast somewhere.”

— Daniel Tosh

122. “Models: I’m not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn’t have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.”

— Daniel Tosh

123. “You ever hear girls say that? “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.” I like to reply with “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting!””

— Daniel Tosh

124. “Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I’m gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.”

— Daniel Tosh

125. “I never want to cannibalize my act, and I’m really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I’m not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don’t really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.”

— Daniel Tosh

126. “High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.”

— Daniel Tosh

127. “It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they’ve been good to me.”

— Daniel Tosh

128. “You know your girlfriend is too young when she’ll do everything in bed but go upside down because it’s too scary.”

— Daniel Tosh

129. “Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?”

— Daniel Tosh

130. “Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.”

— Daniel Tosh

131. “People write a lot of similar material. That’s why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.”

— Daniel Tosh

132. “Here’s a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.”

— Daniel Tosh

133. “Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, ‘I’m just going to buy a house.’”

— Daniel Tosh

134. “If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.”

— Daniel Tosh

135. “If it weren’t for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.”

— Daniel Tosh

136. “I don’t know what’s funny and what’s not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.”

— Daniel Tosh

137. “Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It’s really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think “how can you make a joke about this?””

— Daniel Tosh

138. “I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.”

— Daniel Tosh

139. “I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I’m sure I would do that.”

— Daniel Tosh

140. “At least gays don’t kill babies before their due date.”

— Daniel Tosh

141. “You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid’s throat for so long before he goes, “you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.””

— Daniel Tosh

142. “By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.”

— Daniel Tosh

143. “The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don’t go anywhere, but you still get paid.”

— Daniel Tosh

144. “I can say that. I have a television show.”

— Daniel Tosh

145. “Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: ‘First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.’”

— Daniel Tosh

146. “You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.”

— Daniel Tosh

147. “I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they’re not ugly.”

— Daniel Tosh

148. “If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.”

— Daniel Tosh

149. “I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.”

— Daniel Tosh

150. “Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.”

— Daniel Tosh