Top 80 David Spade Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, Scream all you want, sugar. Ain’t nobody gonna hear you!”

— David Spade

2. “MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don’t care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say “how are you,” when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat.”

— David Spade

3. “Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he’s good.”

— David Spade

4. “When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.”

— David Spade

5. “My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.”

— David Spade

6. “I’m a gentleman and I was always taught it’s rude, to talk about a woman’s age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.”

— David Spade

7. “Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?”

— David Spade

8. “I’m like a Dilbert cartoon.”

— David Spade

9. “It’s funny because it’s funny.”

— David Spade

10. “I’ve got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.”

— David Spade

11. “I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.”

— David Spade

12. “There’s always something funny about men chasing women.”

— David Spade

13. “You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad’s in the room. Low five!”

— David Spade

14. “My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can’t do that anymore.”

— David Spade

15. “Don’t make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they’re 5-years old! It’s really not the place or the time. You’re about 11 years early.”

— David Spade

16. “Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city’s. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.”

— David Spade

17. “I can see getting married and having a family, because it is the next thing on the agenda. You can only do this for so long. I’m old, and my friends all have kids. And I’m single, still blow drying my hair!”

— David Spade

18. “I talk to my dad all the time, he’s more like my buddy than my father, and he’s not happy that I use him in my act. But I tell him, I have to get something out of this.”

— David Spade

19. “Never tickle a girl when she has diarrhea.”

— David Spade

20. “I’ve got people who like Tommy Boy, but they’re getting older and there’s a whole new wave of college kids who see that and Joe Dirt, and Just Shoot Me is a little older, so I wanted stuff for everybody.”

— David Spade

21. “I never dated much in high school or college.”

— David Spade

22. “In grade school I was smart, but I didn’t have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.”

— David Spade

23. “I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.”

— David Spade

24. “My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.”

— David Spade

25. “You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that’s depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.”

— David Spade

26. “I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.”

— David Spade

27. “I feel like I’ve got this anti-marriage thing, but it’s less that and more I’m overthinking it to get it right.”

— David Spade

28. “Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it’s not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.”

— David Spade

29. “It’s brutal. I see friends when their shows don’t work. Everything’s riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.”

— David Spade

30. “Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I’ll park a mile away I don’t care. I’m just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it – you don’t!”

— David Spade

31. “On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.”

— David Spade

32. “I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I’m more private, and more inside.”

— David Spade

33. “It’s just easier to make fun and cut down. It’s kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you’re going to say, it can be cruel and funny.”

— David Spade

34. “No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it’s too weird to sleep in too late.”

— David Spade

35. “Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I’m on 8.”

— David Spade

36. “Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It’s the American way. There’s really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.”

— David Spade

37. “Bill Murray I always liked. I’m not as good as him, but there’s a quality in him that I like. And then there’s DeNiro, I’ll never be that.”

— David Spade

38. “If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.”

— David Spade

39. “I have two skateboards, but I don’t get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I’ve never used.”

— David Spade

40. “Seriously, you don’t have to know English. It’d be nice, a nice little plus. We don’t want miracles. You don’t have to know the country’s language. But just some shapes, that’s all. A square. A little geometry.”

— David Spade

41. “The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, “Hey, did I leave a penny over there?””

— David Spade

42. “There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there’s a million pitches.”

— David Spade

43. “I just don’t like to go out and deal with the real world. It’s scary.”

— David Spade

44. “I’m scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.”

— David Spade

45. “I have no detectable hair style.”

— David Spade

46. “It’s good to do stand-up. It kind of wakes you up and makes you feel like you’re doing something. You got the crowd right there. That’s all fun.”

— David Spade

47. “I turn around and saw that he had the mega-box of sixty-four Crayolas. Like a cinder block. Biggest one you can get. It even has a balcony. Every.”

— David Spade

48. “Birthday Week should be a movie starring Kristen Wiig, not an actual thing you are desperately trying to organize for your life.”

— David Spade

49. “How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?”

— David Spade

50. “I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.”

— David Spade