Top 150 David Wong Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “I glanced at Badly Drawn Jesus, then pulled the gun from my pocket. On Judgment Day, I’d be able to proudly state that when I thought the hordes of Hell were coming for a local girl, I stood ready to shoot at them with a small-caliber pistol.”

— David Wong

52. “You know what the scariest part is about people like him? Everything he’s doing makes perfect sense in his own mind.”

— David Wong

53. “A clean conscience is expensive, it’s the reason most men have to live paycheck to paycheck.”

— David Wong

54. “Do you know why soldiers march in unison? Or why they are compelled to chant in groups? It’s a form of hypnosis, it overrides the brain’s critical thinking centers. It’s the same reason we make schoolchildren shout the Pledge of Allegiance every morning.”

— David Wong

55. “Guys like him, the ones who grip the Bible so tight they leave fingernail grooves, they’re the ones who are the most scared of their dark side. Always going too far the other way, fighting for the Lord, often just because it gives them an excuse to fight.”

— David Wong

56. “That’s what it’s like being poor – choices are something you sit around and dream about having, some day after you strike it rich.”

— David Wong

57. “You know if you walked around the world, your hat would travel thirty-one feet farther than your shoes?”

— David Wong

58. “If you’ve actually seen a ghost – and I assure you that you probably have, within the last month – it would have just looked like any real, solid person. It’s likely nobody saw that person but you and no, you can’t photograph them. You’re not seeing them with your eyes.”

— David Wong

59. “This whole thing happened because I got up last night, because my cat got hungry and I had to go find a fork, and I stumbled into that conference room and saw Will and Ling and their cop friend messing with a severed hand.” Budd said, “A severed what?” and Andre said, “Your cat eats with a fork?”

— David Wong

60. “John flung himself into a pseudo-karate stance, one hand poised behind him and one in front, posed like a cartoon cactus. I thought for an odd moment he had moved his limbs so fast they had made that whoosh sound through air but then I realized John was making that sound with his mouth.”

— David Wong

61. “You can’t focus on death, or failure. Otherwise you’re surrendering greatness to all the people too dumb to contemplate it.”

— David Wong

62. “I stared at the thing, blinking, thinking it would reveal itself to be, I don’t know, a hot-water heater or something. Then I realized the monster-shaped shadow was, surprisingly, a monster.”

— David Wong

63. “Contrary to what TV and movies have told you, it’s nearly impossible to have a hallucination that you can both see and hear – the mentally ill either just hear voices, or just see things, due to how the brain is wired.”

— David Wong

64. “If Zoey Ashe had known she was being stalked by a man who intended to kill her and then slowly eat her bones, she would have worried more about that and less about getting her cat off the roof.”

— David Wong

65. “SOCIETY IS DOOMED for one very simple reason: it takes dozens of men working months with millions of dollars in materials to build a building, but only one dumb-ass with a bomb to bring it down.”

— David Wong

66. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of – often the greatest difficulty faced by people suffering from mental illness is society’s inexcusable ignorance of the subject.”

— David Wong

67. “They came looking for dark and terrible revelations and instead found out something even more dark and terrible: that their lives were trite and boring.”

— David Wong

68. “I don’t think I could find the Philippines on a map.” “Yes you could, the maps have all of the countries labeled. That’s literally what a map is for.”

— David Wong

69. “They had puddled in the floorboards and they poured out onto the pavement like the jackpot from the Devil’s slot machine, the bugs raining down with a sound like frying bacon.”

— David Wong

70. “To this day I don’t know if he was struggling with the moral implications of gunning down half a dozen civilians, or if he was mentally counting to see if he had that many shells left in the gun.”

— David Wong

71. “I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger kill a man in a movie by grabbing his head and twisting it until the neck broke. Was that difficult? Could a man do it without a lot of practice?”

— David Wong

72. “Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny clowns.”

— David Wong

73. “And watch out for Molly. See if she does anything unusual. There’s something I don’t trust about the way she exploded and then came back from the dead like that.”

— David Wong

74. “The thing about not having parents is you don’t have anyone to tell you you’re heading down a path paved with grossly inaccurate expectations of what the world owes you.”

— David Wong

75. “At your age, life is full of possibilities. But as the years pass, those possibilities vanish, one by one, like doors closing in a hallway. You feel time slip by, and your energy slip away. One day, you realize you’re too old to be a famous musician, or change careers, or have more children. And each of those closed doors represents a regret. As you get older, well, those regrets come to define you.”

— David Wong

76. “I just realized he was phrasing all of his questions as statements. Wasn’t there a character in Alice in Wonderland who did that? Did Alice punch him in the face?”

— David Wong

77. “We bless the ice, then we just have to somehow get all hundred or so of those monsters to go lick the statue!” I stared hard into the face of the older man, said, “Okay, there is no possible combination of English words that would form a dumber plan than that.”

— David Wong

78. “Welcome to freakdom, Dave. It’ll be time to start a Web site soon, where you’ll type out everything in one huge paragraph.”

— David Wong

79. “If a spider walks onto your bed, you squish it. If a butterfly lands on your bed, you take a picture. Is the butterfly ‘doing something to your brain’? If I didn’t make myself look like this, I would already be dead. You kill everything that doesn’t have pretty wings.”

— David Wong

80. “Children die every day because millions of us tell ourselves that caring is just as good as doing.”

— David Wong

81. “Your injury. Let us tend to it.” He looked out through the open doorway and silently gestured to someone out there. “Our world,” he said, “is far more advanced than yours. For reasons you’ll understand shortly.” A thin, bony naked woman entered the room, carrying two small, white kittens. She sat one of the fluffy cats in my lap and stuffed the other down my shirt. She turned and left. “There,” said the large man. “The kittens will make your sad go away.”

— David Wong

82. “John’s old Caddie had a huge engine that would qualify as a human rights violation if built today. It roared down the road, chugging gas and farting a blue cloud of dinosaur souls.”

— David Wong

83. “They say Los Angeles is like The Wizard of Oz. One minute it’s small-town monochrome neighborhoods and then boom – all of a sudden you’re in a sprawling Technicolor freak show, dense with midgets.”

— David Wong

84. “Here’s exclusive Channel 5 video of a local man having his brain eaten by a winged gremlin. Local gremlin experts warn that –.”

— David Wong

85. “Another bite victim lay nearby, a young man writhing as if in a seizure. Eventually his legs kicked themselves free from the rest of his body. The limbs thumped along the floor on their own like two giant polyester snakes with shoes for heads. Right behind them was a loose head stuck to a single arm, furiously biting and clawing the carpet. I felt like we might not be in control of this situation any longer.”

— David Wong

86. “Even if someone decided that the infection rate down there was something less than one hundred percent, and if they could go to a mountaintop and shout it to the world, it wouldn’t matter. Because the people want this. They want their neighbors to be monsters. It’s why we lust over news stories of mothers murdering their children, and run after conspiracy theories about a government full of greedy sociopaths. If the monsters didn’t come, we would have willed them into existence.”

— David Wong

87. “When TJ and I got to the bottom, we found Hope staring terrified at Molly. The dog had something long and horrible and meaty in her jaws. It took me a moment to register that it was a very fresh-looking human spine. Damn, she was hungry.”

— David Wong

88. “Cynicism does not cause inaction...”

— David Wong

89. “My resume is worthless – it turns out that managing a now-defunct video store in your twenties while solving monster crimes qualifies you for absolutely nothing else.”

— David Wong

90. “There was a sound like a garbage bag of pudding dropped off a tall building onto a sidewalk.”

— David Wong

91. “Kools never did get along with partners. He once stabbed a fella over whose turn it was to drive. Kools says I want to drive and the other fella says sure and Kools stabbed him in the face.”

— David Wong

92. “The people with health insurance get antidepressants and Adderall, the rich get cocaine, the clean-living Christians settle for mug after mug of coffee and all-you-can-eat buffets. The reality is that society had gotten too fast, noisy, and stressful for the human brain to process and everybody was ingesting something to either keep up or dull the shame of falling behind. For those few who truly live clean, well, it’s the self-righteousness that gets them high.”

— David Wong

93. “I want no part of this nonsense. This whole city is a butt that farts horror.”

— David Wong

94. “Your ‘let’s remain calm and stay put’ speech would be a lot more convincing if you weren’t giving it in front of a pile of burning skeletons.”

— David Wong

95. “Now, are you familiar with the Lord of the Rings?” Molech hesitated again, realizing he was playing someone else’s game, but with no idea what else to do. He said, “Yeah, old horror movie about a ghost girl who crawls out of a television?” “No, this is the one with wizards and elves. Ends with the midgets fighting in a volcano? It.”

— David Wong

96. “He tried to imagine Dave walking around the streets of Tokyo. It was like picturing RoboCop in Middle Earth –.”

— David Wong

97. “I said to John, “You know that if you walked around the world, your hat would travel thirty-one feet farther than your shoes?” John said, “I dunno, Dave, but before we make a bomb I have to shave half the dog.” I nodded. He got up, called to Molly and herded her into my bathroom. I wondered when the soy sauce would take effect.”

— David Wong

98. “We were not restrained in our chairs, but there were so many guns on us that if I scratched my nose, the shooting aftermath would look like somebody had just spilled a huge lasagna here.”

— David Wong

99. “Society is nothing more than people cooperating with other people they’d much rather murder.”

— David Wong

100. “John jolted awake to find himself staring down a shotgun wielded by his greatest enemy: himself.”

— David Wong