Top 150 David Wong Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Son, the greatest trick the Devil pulled was convincing the world there was only one of him.”

— David Wong

2. “They call it kintsugi. The pot is shattered, then carefully reassembled with a resin mixed with gold. It symbolizes how we must incorporate our wounds into who we are, rather than try to merely repair and forget them.”

— David Wong

3. “Start working on whatever you hesitate Because there is an ending to every beginning. When you make it to the end, You will realize the hesitation was a waste of time.”

— David Wong

4. “People like me know that there is no magic. There is only the grind. Work looks like magic to those unwilling to do it.”

— David Wong

5. “But remember, there are two ways to dehumanize someone: by dismissing them, and by idolizing them.”

— David Wong

6. “You see, time is an ocean, not a garden hose. Space is a puff of smoke, a wisp of cloud.”

— David Wong

7. “That ability to see the right choice, but not until several hours have passed since making the wrong one? That’s what makes a person a dumbass, folks.”

— David Wong

8. “All of society is built to prop up that lie, the whole world a big, noisy puppet show meant to distract us from the fact that at the end, you’ll die, and you’ll probably be alone.”

— David Wong

9. “Inappropriate laughter is the universal first sign of madness.”

— David Wong

10. “You see, Frank found out the hard way that the dark things lurking in the night don’t haunt old houses or abandoned ships. They haunt minds.”

— David Wong

11. “My melon soul Crushed by your Gallagher of apathy.”

— David Wong

12. “Falling in love with a house or a car or a pair of shoes, it was a dead end. You save your love for the things that can love you back.”

— David Wong

13. “Something coming back from the dead was almost always bad news. Movies taught me that. For every one Jesus you get a million zombies.”

— David Wong

14. “They didn’t have witch hunts because they believed in witches. They believed in witches so they could have witch hunts.”

— David Wong

15. “Let’s say you have an ax. Just a cheap one, from Home Depot. On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don’t worry, the man was already dead. Or maybe you should worry, because you’re the one who shot him.”

— David Wong

16. “The phrase ‘sodomized by a bratwurst poltergeist’ suddenly flew through my mind.”

— David Wong

17. “It’s the microscopic parasite that causes malaria. Nearly half of all human deaths in recorded history have been caused by this invisible assassin. One could make the argument that Plasmodium falciparum is the dominant life form on the planet, and that human civilization exists purely to give it a breeding ground.”

— David Wong

18. “Kittens will make your sad go away.”

— David Wong

19. “The English language needs a word for that feeling you get when you badly need help, but there is no one you can call because you’re not popular enough to have friends, not rich enough to have employees, and not powerful enough to have lackeys. It is a very distinct cocktail of impotence, loneliness and a sudden stark assessment of your non-worth to society? Enturdment?”

— David Wong

20. “I bet his real name is Chad, he looks like one.”

— David Wong

21. “What is it with rich people thinking they can starve the poor into good behavior?”

— David Wong

22. “Good-bye, Molly,” I muttered. “Of all the dogs I’ve known in my life, I’ve never seen a better driver.”

— David Wong

23. “No matter where you go, management is always a bunch of cheap bastards.”

— David Wong

24. “Guys, this is just retarded enough to work.” We.”

— David Wong

25. “If I knew me as somebody else, I would hate me just as much. Why have a double standard?”

— David Wong

26. “In those moments of chaos, everything you thought you could depend on falls away. Everything turns upside down. Heroes turn out to be cowards, and vice versa. Your best-laid plan fails, your most haphazard improvisation saves your life. Friends turn out to be enemies. In the end, Zoey, you can trust nothing. You can only have another plan ready to go. One after another.”

— David Wong

27. “I wanted to curl up into a fetal position and start sucking my thumb, let my tears and dripping saliva pool under me. Sorry. I tried living, tried being sentient. Can’t do it. Can’t live in the same universe with that.”

— David Wong

28. “Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don’t know what it is. Well I know. It’s apathy.”

— David Wong

29. “You’re the kind of man a man wants when a man wants a man.”

— David Wong

30. “Antidepressants. The thought of this girl actually being depressed made me want to grab the whole planet and throw it into the sun. Well, more than usual anyway.”

— David Wong

31. “You can lie to yourself, say that you never had a choice, that you weren’t cut out for this. But deep down you’ll know. You’ll know that humans aren’t cut out for anything. We cut ourselves out. Slowly, with a rusty knife.”

— David Wong

32. “You are now aware that your lower jaw has weight, and that it requires effort for you to hold it up. Good evening.”

— David Wong

33. “When a man plans, a woman laughs.”

— David Wong

34. “Yes. That, right there, is the difference between the heroes and the nobodies. The difference between people like you and people like me. People like me know that there is no magic. There is only the grind. Work looks like magic to those unwilling to do it.”

— David Wong

35. “Are the most dangerous creatures the ones that use doors or the ones that don’t?”

— David Wong

36. “Sure, Satan would do her favors now and then, but there’s always a catch with the Devil.”

— David Wong

37. “You hate me because I’m blunt and have no patience for wasted time or wasted words. Because I’m not nice. Well, a lot of nice people are nice because they’ve figured out it’s a great way to get things from other people. Some of the slimiest snakes I’ve run across have been nice. So let me tell you now, if you ever see me resort to being nice, run.”

— David Wong

38. “I’m burning out, John. Seriously. I don’t know if I’m up for this. I feel stretched out, like too little butter scraped over too much waffle. And then it all falls down into one of the waffle holes and there’s none left for the rest of the waffle and you sort of have to tilt it to make it run out.”

— David Wong

39. “What do you think it’s like, Father?” “What what’s like?” “Being crazy. Mentally ill.” “Well, they never know they’re ill, do they? You can’t diagnose yourself with the same organ that has the disease, just like you can’t see your own eyeball. So, I suppose you just feel normal and the rest of the world seems to go crazy around you.”

— David Wong

40. “You know how sometimes when you’re drifting off to sleep you feel that jolt, like you were falling and caught yourself at the last second? It’s nothing to be concerned about, it’s usually just the parasite adjusting its grip.”

— David Wong

41. “After a moment I realized it was simply Fred Durst and the group Limp Bizkit – Shitload’s favorite band. They’re the ones who invented the musical technique of feeding a list of generic rap phrases to a goat, then reading its turds into a microphone over heavy metal guitar.”

— David Wong

42. “Problem isn’t that there’s not enough heroes in the world, problem is too many dumb people assume they are one.”

— David Wong

43. “Gullibility is a knife at the throat of civilization.”

— David Wong

44. “There is no word in the English language for the feeling someone gets when they suddenly realize they’re standing next to an unholy monster impersonating a human. Monstralization, maybe?”

— David Wong

45. “You save your love for the things that can love you back.”

— David Wong

46. “Zoey didn’t want to be paranoid, but there was something about the man in the loincloth made of charred doll heads that made her nervous.”

— David Wong

47. “As soon as you get home, you meet the reanimated body of the guy you beheaded earlier. He’s also got a new head, stitched on with what looks like plastic weed-trimmer line, and it’s wearing that unique expression of “you’re the man who killed me last winter” resentment that one so rarely encounters in everyday life.”

— David Wong

48. “Solving the following riddle will reveal the awful secret behind the universe, assuming you do not go utterly mad in the attempt. If you already happen to know the awful secret behind the universe, feel free to skip ahead.”

— David Wong

49. “Which would prove I’m a monster, Arnie? Sacrificing the people I love for the fight? Or walking away from the fight to save the people i love?”

— David Wong

50. “What, then, is the soul but a prisoner of your flesh? An undying yet constrained energy, bound and enslaved within a shuffling, steadily rotting suit of tissue and savage needs?”

— David Wong