Top 120 Dylan Moran Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “You’re not really an adult at all. You’re just a tall child holding a beer, having a conversation you don’t understand.”

— Dylan Moran

2. “Don’t do it! Stay away from your potential. You’ll mess it up, it’s potential, leave it. Anyway, it’s like your bank balance – you always have a lot less than you think.”

— Dylan Moran

3. “You can’t please everyone, nor should you seek to, because then you won’t please anyone, least of all yourself.”

— Dylan Moran

4. “People will kill you over time, and how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like ‘be realistic.’”

— Dylan Moran

5. “Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there’s not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!”

— Dylan Moran

6. “I’m a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It’s amazing I’m here at all.”

— Dylan Moran

7. “Tequila? It’s not even a drink. It’s a way for having the cops around without using a phone.”

— Dylan Moran

8. “Nothing can make me feel better now, except cocaine.”

— Dylan Moran

9. “Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. ‘Aw, isn’t that lovely.’”

— Dylan Moran

10. “I can’t swim. I can’t drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?”

— Dylan Moran

11. “I’m not a fighter, I’m a bleeder.”

— Dylan Moran

12. “I don’t do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I’m not expecting it.”

— Dylan Moran

13. “You should be as alive as you can, until you’re totally dead!”

— Dylan Moran

14. “The terror of failure can make you feel like a failure. So a bunch of people think you’re not very good at your thing. How much do you invest in what they say? How much do you care? Failure is not putting yourself on the line.”

— Dylan Moran

15. “Women are like canoes, full of soup. At first everyone is suspicious but then everyone wants one.”

— Dylan Moran

16. “It’s easy to smile when you have a squirrel’s intellect.”

— Dylan Moran

17. “And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven’t done that well with everybody else.”

— Dylan Moran

18. “Money can’t buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.”

— Dylan Moran

19. “I need a healthy injection of cynicism right now.”

— Dylan Moran

20. “EGGS! They’re not a food, they belong in no group! They’re just farts clothed in substance!”

— Dylan Moran

21. “I’ve seen stand up comedy, and after a while you start to notice that a lot of people are doing things that are like a lot of other people. There can be a bit of a herd mentality, and that’s obviously less interesting because there’s less going on. I’m just being totally frank with you.”

— Dylan Moran

22. “I can’t relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.”

— Dylan Moran

23. “Two young, fit, healthy attractive people in love? There’s nothing worse to look at in the world.”

— Dylan Moran

24. “Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.”

— Dylan Moran

25. “Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?”

— Dylan Moran

26. “I’m a vegetarian, well I’m not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I’m not too good!”

— Dylan Moran

27. “I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can’t even smoke properly any more. I don’t have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.”

— Dylan Moran

28. “You know it’s a sad day when your child looks at you and asks ‘Daddy, are these organic?’”

— Dylan Moran

29. “I’m really not big on nationalism, to be honest with you. I really don’t think it gets people anywhere except near a pile of dead bodies. I’m Irish, yeah, but I don’t need to get up on a soapbox about it.”

— Dylan Moran

30. “You try various things when you’re growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.”

— Dylan Moran

31. “I do pauses, pauses work for me.”

— Dylan Moran

32. “I don’t go to different countries to criticise their political system and tell them what they should be doing – what do I know?”

— Dylan Moran

33. “You exaggerate your own reactions.”

— Dylan Moran

34. “I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.”

— Dylan Moran

35. “You know what you are? You’re a beard with an idiot hanging off it.”

— Dylan Moran

36. “What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can’t even walk straight.”

— Dylan Moran

37. “I’m quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently-I’m compulsive, but I’m also very indecisive. I don’t know what I want, but I know that I want it now.”

— Dylan Moran

38. “I don’t know what I want but I know that I want it now.”

— Dylan Moran

39. “Don’t you DARE use party as a verb in my shop.”

— Dylan Moran

40. “All the shy people are doomed! Natural selection favors the loud and the aggressive.”

— Dylan Moran

41. “Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can’t help it. It’s the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.”

— Dylan Moran

42. “You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.”

— Dylan Moran

43. “I’m just trying to understand what’s around me as much as anyone else is, really. To draw a bead on a moving target.”

— Dylan Moran

44. “I quite fancy the 1940s. I like the trams and the trousers.”

— Dylan Moran

45. “We all know smoking is bad. I know I’m going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn’t I’d quit now.”

— Dylan Moran

46. “America’s work ethic is non-stop; it’s not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work harder than everyone else I can think of.”

— Dylan Moran

47. “Shame is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs in the world, anyway, built into religion.”

— Dylan Moran

48. “You’re supposed to eat the cows. They’re great big lumbering stupid things – they’d be everywhere if we didn’t eat them.”

— Dylan Moran

49. “I’m not drunk onstage, although I’ve done that a couple of times when I was younger. It’s partly just the way I talk – I talk like somebody in a rocking chair. I’m your 150-year-old grandmother.”

— Dylan Moran

50. “There’s always a host of voices you’re inspired by. I love Don DeLillo, and I love Isaac Bashevis Singer, and I love Beckett, and I love Pinter. He’s one of the funniest voices in English literature since Dickens.”

— Dylan Moran