Top 70 Gilbert Gottfried Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

2. “If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

3. “You never know what people will choose to be offended by.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

4. “The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they’re a good sport.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

5. “I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

6. “Japan is really advanced. They don’t go to the beach. The beach comes to them.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

7. “A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I’ve got bad news, you’ve got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don’t have cancer.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

8. “At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

9. “No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

10. “If someone says that I’m the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I’m certainly not gonna argue.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

11. “Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

12. “A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, ‘Wait a minute. This apartment doesn’t have a ceiling.’ The landlord answers, ‘That’s OK. The people upstairs don’t walk around that much.’”

— Gilbert Gottfried

13. “Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I’ve branched out.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

14. “You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

15. “In real life I’m a tall, blond Christian.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

16. “There are times when I’ve had ideas walking down the street that I thought were great, and the minute I got onstage, I would think of them and go, ‘Wow, that would never work,’ even before I did it in front of the audience.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

17. “If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I’d go, ‘Well, war isn’t that terrible.’”

— Gilbert Gottfried

18. “Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn’t have the best eye for detail – and, for a Jew, he doesn’t have the best eye for retail, either.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

19. “I’d make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

20. “I’ve never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

21. “I’ve never understood people who say they’re not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he’s not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?”

— Gilbert Gottfried

22. “If you’re a lead actor, people are just waiting to say ‘you’re too old’ or ‘you’re too unhip.’ If you’re a supporting actor, you can just work forever.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

23. “My family originally lived in Brooklyn. Our first apartment was a little place above my father and uncle’s hardware store in Coney Island. Now, don’t get the impression that we were surrounded by merry-go-rounds, roller coasters and Ferris wheels. Nope, this was a little side street.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

24. “I just don’t accept midgets as human beings. There’s only so much political correctness I can accept.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

25. “I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, ‘They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.’”

— Gilbert Gottfried

26. “Back when Jerry Seinfeld was just another comedian hanging around the clubs, I’d imitate him to amuse myself and the other comics. The club owners would say, ‘What are you doing that for? Nobody knows him.’”

— Gilbert Gottfried

27. “I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn’t funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

28. “Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words – they work ‘blue.’ If you don’t want to hear a joke that’s blue, you shouldn’t go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

29. “If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

30. “I remember being at the premiere of ‘Beverly Hills Cop II’ and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party at a hotel afterwards where the speakers were blasting ‘Shakedown,’ a song from the movie. That felt like a show biz moment to me.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

31. “The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I’ve given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

32. “What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

33. “One pleasant surprise was when I interviewed Butch Patrick. I was expecting this bitter old drunk, and instead he had a total sense of humor about his career and his drinking and drug problem.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

34. “I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

35. “The ‘Phoenix Sun’ did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He’s a terrorist, hasn’t bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

36. “I don’t know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I’m onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

37. “I guess if they ever do a remake of ‘Sophie’s Choice,’ I could play the Meryl Streep part. I’ve got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I’ll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

38. “R2D2 has gotten more work since “Star Wars” than Carrie Fisher.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

39. “People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

40. “A lot of people who claim they’re political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

41. “Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

42. “Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They’re gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world – they’re gone.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

43. “I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

44. “When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

45. “I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

46. “I can’t even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

47. “I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

48. “I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

49. “With me, traveling for work is arriving at the airport, checking into the hotel, leaving the hotel the next morning at 4 or 5 to do something like ‘The Jimmy and Jackie Captain Crazy Morning Zoo,’ doing a bunch of those in a row, then going back to the hotel, and then finally going to the club.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

50. “I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.”

— Gilbert Gottfried