Top 120 Greg Gutfeld Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Delayed gratification is the one thing we ignore these days. And if you delay it, it becomes more pleasurable later in life.”

— Greg Gutfeld

2. “A funny thing about tolerant people? They’re really only tolerant when you agree with them.”

— Greg Gutfeld

3. “Good people suddenly don’t turn bad.”

— Greg Gutfeld

4. “Military simulation is an important way of training people for an emergency.”

— Greg Gutfeld

5. “I never quit. I just got fired.”

— Greg Gutfeld

6. “There are always gonna be people that are gonna be offended about something. This will never end.”

— Greg Gutfeld

7. “If America was a house, the Left would root for the termites.”

— Greg Gutfeld

8. “We need to remember who the enemy is, and then we need to eat them alive.”

— Greg Gutfeld

9. “Sanctuary cities are a lot like hitchhiking. And the abstract, it feels really good until you feel dead.”

— Greg Gutfeld

10. “The government is controlling your mind through chem trails, we all know this is true.”

— Greg Gutfeld

11. “Being a conservative on campus is like bing a goat amongst the taliban. You are never safe.”

— Greg Gutfeld

12. “I have friends my age who started smoking pot when they got out of college. They didn’t get anywhere. But if they drank, they managed to go somewhere. Does that make sense?”

— Greg Gutfeld

13. “One thing I noticed when I was young was I was impatient for success. I think everybody is impatient for success. It will come. But don’t – you shouldn’t let that impatience drive you crazy.”

— Greg Gutfeld

14. “Some things get better with age. And then there’s Madonna.”

— Greg Gutfeld

15. “When you talk about Islamic terror. You go, oh, you’re an Islamic – you’re Islamophobic because you besmirching all Muslims. No. I’m talking about Islamic terror.”

— Greg Gutfeld

16. “You should just go, go to work, work hard, be a perfectionist, be a workhorse. If you work 10 years straight, you’ll be comfortable and set for life. That is a fact.”

— Greg Gutfeld

17. “When you are so obsessed with identity politics it’s not healthy because you’re constantly worried about how you’re perceived as opposed to your achievements. Once your identity becomes your achievement then you run into serious problems.”

— Greg Gutfeld

18. “ObamaCare is to health care as a fart is to an elevator.”

— Greg Gutfeld

19. “Accusing a politician of being politically expedient is like accusing water of being wet or circles for being round.”

— Greg Gutfeld

20. “The most problematic word in America is the word “problematic.” It’s a wuss word used by people to silence language without actually saying that they want to silence you. They don’t want to go full fascist.”

— Greg Gutfeld

21. “Imagine if all girls called a moratorium on cool. How amazing would it be for women to stop demeaning themselves with morose jerks and actually demand decent guys. Maybe the best tip is this: Treat every day as though you’re preparing for the prom. If it doesn’t meet your expectations, make other plans. I’m free most weekends.”

— Greg Gutfeld

22. “Chris Matthews is so nuts that if he ate a snickers bar it would be cannibalism.”

— Greg Gutfeld

23. “Hollywood’s schizophrenia over guns is matched only by their attitude toward taxes. Ever wonder why they film in Vancouver so often? It ain’t for the beaches, I can tell you.”

— Greg Gutfeld

24. “The longer I live, the more I’m convinced the world is just one big high school, with the cool kids always targeting the uncool.”

— Greg Gutfeld

25. “Essentially, the Tea Party are the Hell’s Angels, but with sun visors instead of switch blades. They push macaroni instead of meth. Mess with the Tea Party and they’ll put your dog in an American flag sweater on a hot day.”

— Greg Gutfeld

26. “The real American ideal of cool which is building businesses, protecting freedom at home and abroad, taking responsibility for your actions, and leaving other people alone to live as they damn well please.”

— Greg Gutfeld

27. “The irony of prison is that it takes years and years and years to plan an elaborate escape, but all you have is years and years and years.”

— Greg Gutfeld

28. “Celebrities are the doormats to power.”

— Greg Gutfeld

29. “I guess if your heart’s in the right place, the trash can go anywhere.”

— Greg Gutfeld

30. “Fake sympathy is the politicians demanding more cash as they ignore the underlying crisis. They prefer money over morality.”

— Greg Gutfeld

31. “I don’t like the way my hair looks, so we’re going to do the whole show over.”

— Greg Gutfeld

32. “I am not the least bit religious, but at least I stick up for the good work of religion and the cascade of benefits that come from religion.”

— Greg Gutfeld

33. “The joy of hate reflects people who get off pretending to hate something, or hate you, in order to score political points. I call them the ‘tolerati’ – you know, a group of people who claim to be tolerant, except when they run into someone who disagrees with them.”

— Greg Gutfeld

34. “Is your relationship strong enough to survive a trip to Ikea? Is their furniture strong enough to survive a relationship? Have you ever bought a bed there?”

— Greg Gutfeld

35. “I have to say that Adam Levine is truly a daring young man to go on Twitter to bash Fox News. He’s so rebellious, so subversive. I mean, for a musician, seriously, could you find a more predictable stance than that? He’s as edgy as a hacky sack, which also describes his music.”

— Greg Gutfeld

36. “If Russia, if Russia had the same military power that America did, earth would be called Russia.”

— Greg Gutfeld

37. “We’re already going down that path with illegal drug use and incarceration. I can’t imagine it getting any worse.”

— Greg Gutfeld

38. “I haven’t used that word since I was 7 years old. I don’t understand Donald Trump.”

— Greg Gutfeld

39. “So the villains aren’t gay-hating Islamists or women killing tyrants, but actually us: an American Congress bent on the apocalypse. Don’t we understand? Iranians love their children too.”

— Greg Gutfeld

40. “What I’m going to miss is the competition, being, that’s OK, I can watch from the house.”

— Greg Gutfeld

41. “I want to make a positive point of Ikea. It makes income inequality a minor distraction.”

— Greg Gutfeld

42. “We need somebody that can unify a country in spite of a vocal powerful media that’s intent on division. It’s not about winning the media. It’s about winning the people, and I don’t think it’s necessarily persuasive to eat – to cannibalize yourself. I think that you have to pick the winner.”

— Greg Gutfeld

43. “Playboy seems like a sad magazine for me. It seems like for men who would sit around in a bath robe.”

— Greg Gutfeld

44. “When you get famous and rich when you’re young, what happens is you start feeling insecure.”

— Greg Gutfeld

45. “How can you have a reasonable debate with people who are constantly changing the panic? They are moving the panic to a greater wave of hysteria?”

— Greg Gutfeld

46. “92 people are killed every single day in car fatalities. What if we filmed every one of them? No one would drive cars.”

— Greg Gutfeld

47. “If you’re hiring, if you’re the person doing the hiring, forgive a scar or two. Remember that when we were young, we were also idiots. There were just no cameras there to catch it.”

— Greg Gutfeld

48. “I would like to see a president with a monocle.”

— Greg Gutfeld

49. “We need an idiot middle ground, where we have to be honest and say, kids can be idiots and cops can be idiots.”

— Greg Gutfeld

50. “Ocean privilege does not exist anymore. The world is small. We cannot rely on distance anymore.”

— Greg Gutfeld