Top 40 Greg Proops Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Don’t yell at people. Stand up for what’s right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don’t take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don’t believe what you are told. Fall in love.”

— Greg Proops

2. “You leave white people alone in constant isolation for 2,000 years, and you know what their musical contribution will be? Riverdance!”

— Greg Proops

3. “How would you like to make money in real estate?”

— Greg Proops

4. “Glasses are for the brave. I do not need to pretend that I am sighted. People who need glasses and don’t wear them are slightly less treacherous than people who don’t need them and do-like every shallow Hollywood star who wants to be taken seriously.”

— Greg Proops

5. “Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.”

— Greg Proops

6. “I have to hear this all the time in England: Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm. Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.”

— Greg Proops

7. “Women give birth, men take life. Therefore, men are jealous of this power. War is menstruation envy.”

— Greg Proops

8. “President Clinton celebrates the first casual Friday at the white house by wearing leather chaps.”

— Greg Proops

9. “White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you’re selling ice cream.”

— Greg Proops

10. “Arizona changes its state motto to Damn, it’s hot.”

— Greg Proops

11. “Let me tell you about Australia. It’s really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you’re a gleam in your father’s eye.”

— Greg Proops

12. “I’m old and my knowledge is strictly horizontal.”

— Greg Proops

13. “No one is a natural – you have to work at being a natural.”

— Greg Proops

14. “If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.”

— Greg Proops

15. “I think if you steal well, you’re a genius. If you copy badly, you’re a hack.”

— Greg Proops

16. “The ancients advised love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the gods. Tough lesson, that one. I.”

— Greg Proops

17. “I love animals. I couldn’t eat a whole one but I’ll split one with you if you want.”

— Greg Proops

18. “In our world, all puns are beautiful and they are the highest form of comedy.”

— Greg Proops

19. “Oh, I don’t wear a bathing suit. I wear a tent when I go out.”

— Greg Proops

20. “Think about everything you read and everything you see. The one thing we can learn from all the horrible things that have happened in the last 15-20 years is that hysteria is the last thing we need. Cool thinking, pragmatism, and analytical thought are most important at this point.”

— Greg Proops

21. “I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I’m not a professional athlete and I don’t have access to the good stuff.”

— Greg Proops

22. “You can’t smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can’t breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.”

— Greg Proops

23. “Animals have two vital functions in today’s society; to be delicious and to fit well.”

— Greg Proops

24. “I see guys dressing like they’re in college – and they’re not. I don’t want to be that guy.”

— Greg Proops

25. “Yo. I’m from Beverly Hills, and I be pimpin’.”

— Greg Proops

26. “Contact lenses are for vain, weak-willed piglets who swan around showing off: ‘Look everybody, I can see without spectacles. No one at first glance will ever assume I know how to surf the net.’”

— Greg Proops

27. “Don’t say ‘No,’ say ‘Gilbert,’ ladies and gentlemen.”

— Greg Proops

28. “I only read books if Voltaire’s cock has been dipped in red ink and rolled over the cover.”

— Greg Proops

29. “People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.”

— Greg Proops

30. “I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone’s safety is protected.”

— Greg Proops

31. “Now, we’re Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.”

— Greg Proops

32. “And eat lots of mints, it fools the cops.”

— Greg Proops

33. “I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.”

— Greg Proops

34. “I like the night life, I like to boogy.”

— Greg Proops

35. “Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You’ve got my lederhosen in a situation.”

— Greg Proops

36. “I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness.”

— Greg Proops

37. “If you want to live in ‘white world,’ if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It’s an entire country named Doug.”

— Greg Proops

38. “If Iraq’s weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.”

— Greg Proops

39. “If you have a funny costume, you can’t really wear it when you get older.”

— Greg Proops

40. “Tequila is like acid in a glass.”

— Greg Proops

41. “I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I’m sorta stuck with this now. It’s a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.”

— Greg Proops

42. “I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they’re extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.”

— Greg Proops

43. “My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It’s our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn’t care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.”

— Greg Proops

44. “We don’t know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.”

— Greg Proops

45. “I’m all for dropping lawyers into any war time situation.”

— Greg Proops

46. “Oh, I say I have an ocelot and it’s a joke, but I’ve had so many news programs in this country say, ‘So what’s it like, having an ocelot?” And I’ll say, “It’s marvelous just to see them run free. When feeding time comes and they’re mewling, it just warms your heart.’ People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.”

— Greg Proops

47. “I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don’t, you know, I can’t worry about whether people get it or not, per se.”

— Greg Proops

48. “Understand telling a Woman to “smile” is an imposition and a demand you have no right to make.”

— Greg Proops

49. “Punctuation is meant only to clarify. And fruit off with the little smiley faces.”

— Greg Proops