Top 90 Janeane Garofalo Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “I’m sorry for being me. I won’t ever do it again.”

— Janeane Garofalo

2. “I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.”

— Janeane Garofalo

3. “The reason a person is a republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that’s science – that’s neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican.”

— Janeane Garofalo

4. “It’s mentally exhausting, feeling bad about something you can do nothing about.”

— Janeane Garofalo

5. “He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you’re young, the glass is small, and it’s easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn’t fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.”

— Janeane Garofalo

6. “My hell is going to be the stairmaster wing of Dante’s inferno, where they’re gonna tape my feet to the pedals and the only music I get is Michael Bolton karaoke style.”

— Janeane Garofalo

7. “Blood may be thicker than water, but it is still sticky, unpleasant and generally nauseating.”

— Janeane Garofalo

8. “All roads lead to my dogs, don’t they?”

— Janeane Garofalo

9. “I guess when your heart gets broken, you sort of start to see the cracks in everything.”

— Janeane Garofalo

10. “To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.”

— Janeane Garofalo

11. “You can tell a lot about a person by how excited they are to do the Macarena.”

— Janeane Garofalo

12. “I’m not a disciplined writer.”

— Janeane Garofalo

13. “I’m grateful for any opportunity to act.”

— Janeane Garofalo

14. “Also, as I’ve gotten older and more mature, I’ve become much more comfortable in my own skin. After 25 years of doing stand-up, that’s reflected onstage.”

— Janeane Garofalo

15. “I do not enjoy when people don’t like me.”

— Janeane Garofalo

16. “Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.”

— Janeane Garofalo

17. “As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it’s our own opinion.”

— Janeane Garofalo

18. “This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.”

— Janeane Garofalo

19. “Is being an idiot like being high all the time?”

— Janeane Garofalo

20. “Listen, young people, I understand narcissism – clearly. But at least I have the decency to hate myself. And that’s what’s missing from the young people. They don’t have the debilitating self-loathing and the second guessing.”

— Janeane Garofalo

21. “Rejection kills, disappointment only maims.”

— Janeane Garofalo

22. “If you aren’t overly effusive or really nicey-nice with the press, you get a reputation for being outspoken or difficult.”

— Janeane Garofalo

23. “I hate high fashion. I hate that we reward people for being genetic freaks. You hear the guys announcing the runway shows saying, ‘A pretty face is your best asset this season.’ And what? Ugly girls had a free ride last year?”

— Janeane Garofalo

24. “People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don’t want to have children.”

— Janeane Garofalo

25. “I actually was class clown, but I don’t know how that happened because I’ve never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest.”

— Janeane Garofalo

26. “Taking into account the public’s regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.”

— Janeane Garofalo

27. “I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle.”

— Janeane Garofalo

28. “I think I failed miserably on NewsRadio. I was very nervous because of the caliber of the cast – especially Dave Foley – so I think I did a terrible job.”

— Janeane Garofalo

29. “I don’t have a good work ethic. I have a real casual relationship with hours.”

— Janeane Garofalo

30. “Until as women we all say, No! We are not going to starve ourselves, nothing is going to change. We’re our own worse enemies sometimes but I still blame men.”

— Janeane Garofalo

31. “Evil is in the face of every frat guy that ever raised a beer cup and went “whoooooo!””

— Janeane Garofalo

32. “You just need an opportunity and then you yourself have to do a good job, and then you hope that people go, ‘Oh yeah, I forgot about her.’”

— Janeane Garofalo

33. “It’s been hard in entertainment as a 45-year-old woman to find jobs. They get fewer and far between if you’re older, unless you’re one of the few lucky ones who work constantly, like Meryl Streep.”

— Janeane Garofalo

34. “A war is going to destroy our economy even further. It’s going to be a threefold humanitarian disaster.”

— Janeane Garofalo

35. “I don’t hate myself, as a general rule. I’d say the best way to describe it is that I have moments of self-loathing at fairly regular intervals.”

— Janeane Garofalo

36. “When I see the American flag, I go, ‘Oh my God, you’re insulting me.’”

— Janeane Garofalo

37. “I’m not religious anymore, but I think it’s like papal infallibility, which is a ridiculous man-made tenet, like what I believe most religious tenets to be, are man-made after the fact.”

— Janeane Garofalo

38. “Boy, does that give you street cred for years after, if you tell people you were on ‘The Larry Sanders Show!’”

— Janeane Garofalo

39. “I can’t wait for the next fad though, and I predict it’s going to be Pennsylvania dutch culture, very Amish. It’s going to be bonnets and butter churns.”

— Janeane Garofalo

40. “We’re our own worst enemies a lot of the time, but I still blame men.”

— Janeane Garofalo

41. “The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.”

— Janeane Garofalo

42. “The Bible, I’ve said it before, is a beautifully written work of fiction.”

— Janeane Garofalo

43. “You young people with your twittering and your creating of content. Or what is it – queefing? I don’t know what you young people are calling it.”

— Janeane Garofalo

44. “Irrational crushes, infatuations, or obsessions. Whatever you want to label it, it’s important to reach out to others.”

— Janeane Garofalo

45. “But let me ask you this though, first and foremost: who’s your favorite Spice Girl? Mine is Sporty Spice and I’ll tell you why. You know what? She might not be as aesthetically pleasant as the rest but she’ll do a backflip and steal your heart.”

— Janeane Garofalo

46. “I don’t think that the administration is being particularly honest with the American people about what this is going to cost in life and in dollars, what the dangers are, retaliatory strikes, once it happens. This is not a war that needs to happen immediately, if ever.”

— Janeane Garofalo

47. “I’m almost 46. You become no longer even regarded in a sexual way. As you get older you’re just taken out of that realm. So it’s not anything that particularly confronts me very much at all.”

— Janeane Garofalo

48. “I’m a sucker for any guy with an accent with any kind.”

— Janeane Garofalo

49. “Here’s what the right-wing has in, there’s no shortage of the natural resources of ignorance, apathy, hate, fear. As long as those things are in the collective conscious and unconscious, the Republicans will have some votes.”

— Janeane Garofalo

50. “I think that by staying out of shape at the age of 33 I’m doing myself a huge favor for my future. There will never be anyone commenting on how I’ve ‘let myself go.’ I’ve gone. It’s gone. It’s not going, it’s GONE.”

— Janeane Garofalo