Top 60 Jeff Kinney Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Because it’s our choices that makes us who we are...”

— Jeff Kinney

2. “I think if everyone would write down the funny stories from their own childhoods, the world would be a better place.”

— Jeff Kinney

3. “Zoo-Wee Mama!”

— Jeff Kinney

4. “The best person I know is Myself.”

— Jeff Kinney

5. “I’m probably something like 95% chicken nugget.”

— Jeff Kinney

6. “I’m basically one of the best people I know.”

— Jeff Kinney

7. “You and your group of nerds fall into a pit and it’s full of dynamite and you blow up. The End.”

— Jeff Kinney

8. “Some day I will be famous but for now I am stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.”

— Jeff Kinney

9. “First of all, let me get this straight: This is a JOURNAL, not a diary. I know what it says on the cover, but when Mom went out to buy this thing I SPECIFICALLY told her to get one that didn’t say ‘diary’ on it.”

— Jeff Kinney

10. “You can’t expect everyone to have the same dedication as you.”

— Jeff Kinney

11. “Let me just say for the record that I think middle school is the dumbest idea ever invented. You got kids like me who haven’t hit growth spurt yet mixed in with these gorillas who need to shave twice a day.”

— Jeff Kinney

12. “YO MOMMA.”

— Jeff Kinney

13. “But the thing I’m finding out is some people don’t really appreciate it when you’r trying to be helpful.”

— Jeff Kinney

14. “My advice to authors would be to try to do something original rather than to try to anticipate what the market is looking for.”

— Jeff Kinney

15. “Youre gonna grow up and marry some ice cream! Haha!”

— Jeff Kinney

16. “I labored for eight years thinking that I was writing a book for adults that was a nostalgic look back on childhood. Then my publisher informed me I’d written a children’s book.”

— Jeff Kinney

17. “I think it’s important for me to keep my childhood friends so that later on someone can appreciate how far I’ve come.”

— Jeff Kinney

18. “Back in those days it was just me swimming around in the dark, doing back flips and taking naps whenever I want.”

— Jeff Kinney

19. “I’m having a seriously hard time getting used to the fact that summer is over and I have to get out of bed every morning to go to school.”

— Jeff Kinney

20. “Well, the problem is, it’s not easy for me to think of ways to improve myself, because I’m pretty much one of the best people I know.”

— Jeff Kinney

21. “Mom is always saying I’m a smart kid, but that I just don’t apply myself.”

— Jeff Kinney

22. “You know, back in the old days adults were respected because of how wise they were, and people went to them to help settle disputes. Nowadays it’s a whole different world, and half the time I wonder if grown-ups should really be in charge.”

— Jeff Kinney

23. “Rodrick’s punishment was that he had to answer a bunch of questions Mom wrote out for him. Did owning this magazine make you a better person? No. Did it make you more popular at school? No. How do you feel about having owned this type of magazine now? I feel ashamed. Do you have anything you want to say to women for having owned this offensive magazine? I’m sorry women.”

— Jeff Kinney

24. “I’ll tell you who has a lot of money, and that’s Manny. I mean, that kid is RICH. A few weeks ago Mom and Dad told Manny they’d give him a quarter for every time he uses the potty without being asked. So now he carries around a gallon of water with him at all times.”

— Jeff Kinney

25. “Greg starts a middle school and asks: Why is “bullies” such a big PROBLEM? And says people need to shave twice a day.”

— Jeff Kinney

26. “I probably should’ve thought about talking to Uncle Gary a lot earlier. He’s been married something like four times already, so he’s an EXPERT on relationships.”

— Jeff Kinney

27. “I only work on my books at nights and at weekends. It is really just like a hobby.”

— Jeff Kinney

28. “The only reason I get out of bed at all on weekends is because eventually I can’t stand the taste of my own breath any more.”

— Jeff Kinney

29. “Dear Aunt Loretta, Thank you so much for the awesome pants! How did you know I wanted that for Christmas? I love the way the pants look on my legs! All my friends will be so jealous that I have my very own pants. Thank you for making this the best Christmas ever! Sincerely, Greg.”

— Jeff Kinney

30. “It’s not easy to writing thank-you notes for the stuff you didn’t want in the first place.”

— Jeff Kinney

31. “I realised all the good ideas were taken before I was even born.”

— Jeff Kinney

32. “Monkeys can’t talk, stupid!”

— Jeff Kinney

33. “Most people don’t seem to appreciate a person as honest as me. So don’t ask me how George Washington ever got to be president.”

— Jeff Kinney

34. “I’ve seen a lot of movies where a kid my age finds out he’s got magical powers and then gets invited to go away to some special school. Well, if I’ve got an invitation coming, now would be the perfect time to get it.”

— Jeff Kinney

35. “I don’t know what a guy needs to do to impress a girl these days.”

— Jeff Kinney

36. “Well, for starters, Abraham Lincoln didn’t write ‘To Kill a Mockingbird.”

— Jeff Kinney

37. “See, that’s the problem with putting too much stock in the old days. You remember all the GOOD stuff, but you forget about the time you got spanked by your best friend’s mom.”

— Jeff Kinney

38. “So if you want to find somebody to blame for the way i am, I guess you’d have to start with the public education system.”

— Jeff Kinney

39. “If there’s one thing I learned from Rodrick, it’s to set people’s expectations real low so you end up surprising them by practically doing nothing at all.”

— Jeff Kinney

40. “Whenever you go with the cheaper option, you end up regretting it.”

— Jeff Kinney

41. “During the winter, me and Rowley stored up some snowballs in my freezer so we could have a snowball fight when the weather got warm.”

— Jeff Kinney

42. “I don’t know if this makes me a bad person or whatever, but it’s hard for me to get interested in other people’s vacations.”

— Jeff Kinney

43. “Chirag: Rowley, do you think I exist? Rowley: Nope! I can’t even hear you or see you!”

— Jeff Kinney

44. “I didn’t really know what to expect from detention but when I waked into the room, the first thought I had was, I don’t belong in here with these future criminals.”

— Jeff Kinney

45. “I started worrying that maybe you only get a certain number of prayers answered in you lifetime and I’m burning through mine too fast. I’d hate to find out later on that I used up all my chits, because I’ve been acting like I’ve got an unlimited supply.”

— Jeff Kinney

46. “So I’ve started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don’t need Santa seeing me in my underwear.”

— Jeff Kinney

47. “He got the crib, so for the first few months of my life I had to sleep in the top dresser drawer, which I’m pretty sure isn’t even legal.”

— Jeff Kinney

48. “I know I need to eat healthier, but if you take fast food out of my diet I’m in big trouble, because I’m probably something like 95% chicken nugget.”

— Jeff Kinney

49. “For the record, I think it should be illegal for a boy to have to fold his mother’s underwear.”

— Jeff Kinney

50. “I’m not really sure what makes a book a ‘classic’ to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end.”

— Jeff Kinney