Top 180 Jeff Lindsay Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “I was never more alive than when the Dark Passenger was driving.”

— Jeff Lindsay

2. “It happens; incompetence is rewarded more often than not.”

— Jeff Lindsay

3. “Nothing in life is fair. Fair is a dirty word and I’ll thank you not to use that language around me.”

— Jeff Lindsay

4. “Our universe is ruled by random whim, inhabited by people who laugh at logic.”

— Jeff Lindsay

5. “It’s always me, isn’t it? I’m not really a very nice person, but for some reason it’s always me that they come to with their problems.”

— Jeff Lindsay

6. “I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”

— Jeff Lindsay

7. “The mind picks some very bad times to take a walk doesn’t it?”

— Jeff Lindsay

8. “You’re driving me NORMAL!”

— Jeff Lindsay

9. “Whatever made me the way I am left me hollow, empty inside, unable to feel. It doesn’t seem like a big deal. I’m quite sure most people fake an awful lot of everyday human contact. I just fake it all. I fake it very well, and the feelings are never there.”

— Jeff Lindsay

10. “Weren’t we all crazy in our sleep? What was sleep, after all, but the process by which we dumped our insanity into a dark subconscious pit and came out on the other side ready to eat cereal instead of our neighbor’s children?”

— Jeff Lindsay

11. “Now I know what it is like to feel like a total idiot.”

— Jeff Lindsay

12. “Mutilated corpses with a chance of afternoon showers. I got dressed and went to work.”

— Jeff Lindsay

13. “It really is better to be lucky than to be good.”

— Jeff Lindsay

14. “Why bother inflicting enormous pain on yourself when sooner or later Life would certainly get around to doing it for you?”

— Jeff Lindsay

15. “Feeling – what authentic human fun!”

— Jeff Lindsay

16. “And I was having too much fun to stop now.”

— Jeff Lindsay

17. “Or was he saying, “Hi! Wanna play?” And I did. Of course I did.”

— Jeff Lindsay

18. “In that tremendous flash of freedom, on my way to do The Thing for the first time, sanctioned by Almighty Harry, I receded, faded back into the scenery of my own dark self, whole the other me crouched and growled. I would do It at last, do what I had been created to do. And I did.”

— Jeff Lindsay

19. “Since I am not actually a real human being, my emotional responses are generally limited to what I have learned to fake.”

— Jeff Lindsay

20. “This was just no fun. I wanted my brain back.”

— Jeff Lindsay

21. “They like to tell us that it is important to speak the truth, but it has been my experience that real happiness lies in having people tell you what you want to believe, usually not the same thing at all, and if you have to stub your toe on the truth later, so be it.”

— Jeff Lindsay

22. “And here I always thought morality was useless.”

— Jeff Lindsay

23. “That’s why I liked him, I think. Another guy pretending to be human, just like me.”

— Jeff Lindsay

24. “And as we should all know by now, anytime you predict failure you have an excellent chance of being right.”

— Jeff Lindsay

25. “It was almost enough to make me feel emotion.”

— Jeff Lindsay

26. “No big deal. We all have blood in us, the trick is keeping it inside.”

— Jeff Lindsay

27. “Of course it was a terrible thing, and the world would be a much better place without someone in it who could do that, but did that mean we had to miss lunch?”

— Jeff Lindsay

28. “Of course, having information to use is one thing. Knowing what it means and how to use it is a different story.”

— Jeff Lindsay

29. “It’s like, everything really is two ways, the way we all pretend it is and the way it really is.”

— Jeff Lindsay

30. “I think people understand things different when they get older. It’s not a question of getting soft, or seeing things in the gray areas instead of black and white. I really believe I’m just understanding things different. Better.”

— Jeff Lindsay

31. “But of course, there’s no rest for the wicked, which I certainly am; as I said, no rest for the wicked.”

— Jeff Lindsay

32. “Anybody can be charming if they don’t mind faking it, saying all the stupid, obvious, nauseating things that a conscience keeps most people from saying. Happily, I don’t have a conscience. I say them.”

— Jeff Lindsay

33. “I had become a perfect fake human, saying the stupid and pointless things that humans say to each other all day long.”

— Jeff Lindsay

34. “I don’t do my job to catch the bad guys. Why would I want to do that? No, I do my job to make order out of chaos.”

— Jeff Lindsay

35. “Stop the nurse like the monkey.”

— Jeff Lindsay

36. “The key to a happy life is to have accomplishments to be proud of and purpose to look forward to, and at the moment I had both. How wonderful it was to be me.”

— Jeff Lindsay

37. “Pero, por triste que sea, la vida no siempre imita al arte. -Dexter.”

— Jeff Lindsay

38. “It was such an unexpected and genuine smile that if I only had a soul I’m sure I would have felt quite guilty.”

— Jeff Lindsay

39. “As I’ve said, freedom is really an illusion. Anytime we think we have a real choice, it just means we haven’t seen the shotgun aimed at our navel.”

— Jeff Lindsay

40. “For the first time I could remember, I felt weak, woozy and stupid – like a human-being. Like a very small and helpless human-being.”

— Jeff Lindsay

41. “And then more quiet, silence so deep it almost drowned out the roar of the night music that pounded away in my secret self.”

— Jeff Lindsay

42. “I did not like this feeling of having feelings.”

— Jeff Lindsay

43. “I had killed our careful relationship by driving my tongue through its heart and pushing it off a cliff.”

— Jeff Lindsay

44. “Life’s only obligation, afterall, was to be interesting.”

— Jeff Lindsay

45. “Perhaps because I’ll never be one, humans are interesting to me.”

— Jeff Lindsay

46. “Nothing else loves me, nor ever will. Not even – especially – me. I know what I am and that’s not a thing to love.”

— Jeff Lindsay

47. “I rose to my knees, mouth dry and heart pounding, and paused to finger a rip in my beautiful Dacron bowling shirt. I pushed my fingertip through the hole and wiggled it at myself. Hello, Dexter, where are you going? Hello, Mr. Finger. I don’t know, but I’m almost there. I hear my friends calling.”

— Jeff Lindsay

48. “A man who discovers his pants are on fire tends to have very little time to worry about somebody else’s box of matches.”

— Jeff Lindsay

49. “Who was I if I was no longer me?”

— Jeff Lindsay

50. “That left either magical powers or coincidence, and although I have nothing at all against Harry Potter, coincidence got my vote.”

— Jeff Lindsay