Top 70 Jimmy Carr Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.”

— Jimmy Carr

2. “See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol.”

— Jimmy Carr

3. “Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don’t die.”

— Jimmy Carr

4. “If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?”

— Jimmy Carr

5. “The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.”

— Jimmy Carr

6. “Let’s face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.”

— Jimmy Carr

7. “When someone close to you dies, move seats.”

— Jimmy Carr

8. “When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.”

— Jimmy Carr

9. “Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.”

— Jimmy Carr

10. “My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” – ’til the accident.”

— Jimmy Carr

11. “My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said “Alright, fatty.””

— Jimmy Carr

12. “Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.”

— Jimmy Carr

13. “I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn’t help thinking, she should move.”

— Jimmy Carr

14. “British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!”

— Jimmy Carr

15. “My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.”

— Jimmy Carr

16. “Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!”

— Jimmy Carr

17. “Like most of the world’s population I’m into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.”

— Jimmy Carr

18. “I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.”

— Jimmy Carr

19. “Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ – what kind of man do you think I am?”

— Jimmy Carr

20. “I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.”

— Jimmy Carr

21. “I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog’s just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.”

— Jimmy Carr

22. “I’m obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.”

— Jimmy Carr

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23. “I, of course, don’t have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.”

— Jimmy Carr

24. “I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him “They’re like buses.” He said “What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once.” I said “No, they are like buses!””

— Jimmy Carr

25. “Say what you want about the deaf...”

— Jimmy Carr

26. “When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.”

— Jimmy Carr

27. “I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim. She said, “why not”? I said, you look fat.”

— Jimmy Carr

28. “I worry about my nan. If she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.”

— Jimmy Carr

29. “Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I’d stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.”

— Jimmy Carr

30. “In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.”

— Jimmy Carr

31. “Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.”

— Jimmy Carr

32. “A big girl once came up to me after a show and said “I think you’re fatist.” I said “No, no. I think you’re fattest.””

— Jimmy Carr

33. “I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.”

— Jimmy Carr

34. “I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.”

— Jimmy Carr

35. “How many airports are there in the world?”

— Jimmy Carr

36. “Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheros.”

— Jimmy Carr

37. “I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a “proper” present. “Happy birthday, mum!””

— Jimmy Carr

38. “I didn’t plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it’s juvenile, but that’s me.”

— Jimmy Carr

39. “I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you – I am trying to make you laugh.”

— Jimmy Carr

40. “Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.”

— Jimmy Carr

41. “A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.”

— Jimmy Carr

42. “There’s things that I couldn’t joke about but other people could.”

— Jimmy Carr

43. “You want the key to happiness? I’ll give it to you. Happiness is expectations exceeded. Happiness is the gap between what we thought might happen and what actually happened.”

— Jimmy Carr

44. “I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.”

— Jimmy Carr

45. “All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I’m no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.”

— Jimmy Carr

46. “I’m not worried about the Third World War. That’s the Third World’s Problem.”

— Jimmy Carr

47. “I don’t think it’s any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and ‘manned up’ in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I’m not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.”

— Jimmy Carr

48. “I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.”

— Jimmy Carr

49. “If I’m at home for the weekend – and that is almost never – I tend to get twitchy at about eight o’clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don’t know what to do with myself.”

— Jimmy Carr

50. “I don’t think young people should have bottoms, they’re too young for that sort of thing.”

— Jimmy Carr