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Jo Brand Quotes

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Jo Brand Quote: “Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.”

Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.

— Jo Brand



Jo Brand Quote: “I’m a real Kentish maid, you know.”

I’m a real Kentish maid, you know.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I took my husband to the hospital yesterday to have 17 stitches out – that’ll teach him to buy me a sewing kit for my birthday.”

I took my husband to the hospital yesterday to have 17 stitches out – that’ll teach him to buy me a sewing kit for my birthday.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I think there’s a danger that we’re moving towards a state where the people we are expected to admire are almost not human anymore, and I don’t like that. I prefer it when someone looks like a nice person, and you think, ‘I could have a laugh with them in the pub.’”

I think there’s a danger that we’re moving towards a state where the people we are expected to admire are almost not human anymore, and I don’t like that. I prefer it when someone looks like a nice person, and you think, ‘I could have a laugh with them in the pub.’

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “Everything becomes magnified at night. Sounds travel in a different way, it’s dark, and everything seems far more spooky.”

Everything becomes magnified at night. Sounds travel in a different way, it’s dark, and everything seems far more spooky.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “When I got married, the Sun ran the headline: ‘Here comes the bride, all fat and wide.’ Luckily, it was a few days after the wedding – but it was still hideous to read at a great romantic moment.”

When I got married, the Sun ran the headline: ‘Here comes the bride, all fat and wide.’ Luckily, it was a few days after the wedding – but it was still hideous to read at a great romantic moment.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “Inside every fat person there’s a thin person looking to get out – They’ve just eaten them.”

Inside every fat person there’s a thin person looking to get out – They’ve just eaten them.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “There are problems with nursing – such as the issue of nurses all having to do degrees these days. But that doesn’t mean to say the entire infrastructure of nursing is falling about and that it is populated by unfeeling psychopaths, which is, frankly, the implication sometimes.”

There are problems with nursing – such as the issue of nurses all having to do degrees these days. But that doesn’t mean to say the entire infrastructure of nursing is falling about and that it is populated by unfeeling psychopaths, which is, frankly, the implication sometimes.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I used to do bell ringing in Benenden church. It was really good fun, actually. My best friend’s dad was the local vicar, and so it was expected as her best friend that I would go to church every Sunday with her.”

I used to do bell ringing in Benenden church. It was really good fun, actually. My best friend’s dad was the local vicar, and so it was expected as her best friend that I would go to church every Sunday with her.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “My personal opinion is that you can’t be racist towards white people. You can be prejudiced about them, but being prejudiced isn’t an illegal act, whereas being racist can be.”

My personal opinion is that you can’t be racist towards white people. You can be prejudiced about them, but being prejudiced isn’t an illegal act, whereas being racist can be.

— Jo Brand



Jo Brand Quote: “I made a supreme effort not to do that thing that parents do, which is to bore people without children to death by going on and on about how funny their children are, so there’s none of that hopefully.”

I made a supreme effort not to do that thing that parents do, which is to bore people without children to death by going on and on about how funny their children are, so there’s none of that hopefully.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “Fat people are brilliant in bed. If I’m sitting on top of you, who’s going to argue?”

Fat people are brilliant in bed. If I’m sitting on top of you, who’s going to argue?

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I tend to think the world is a bit of a miserable place, so anyone who can add to people’s optimistic, cheerful side is doing a good job, which is what I hope I’m doing.”

I tend to think the world is a bit of a miserable place, so anyone who can add to people’s optimistic, cheerful side is doing a good job, which is what I hope I’m doing.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “My doctor told me I should get out of breath three times a week, so I took up smoking.”

My doctor told me I should get out of breath three times a week, so I took up smoking.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “When you cry, you don’t look very attractive; you look snotty and blotchy. People seem to manage to cry quite prettily these days, and to me, that smacks of not being very genuine.”

When you cry, you don’t look very attractive; you look snotty and blotchy. People seem to manage to cry quite prettily these days, and to me, that smacks of not being very genuine.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “One of the guys that used to run it – for some reason I’ve no idea why he used to call me the Sea Monster and I was just looking around for a name and thought that’ll do. That lasted for a couple of years probably.”

One of the guys that used to run it – for some reason I’ve no idea why he used to call me the Sea Monster and I was just looking around for a name and thought that’ll do. That lasted for a couple of years probably.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “When I was a nurse my favourite assignment was the anorexic ward. I sometimes ate as many as seventeen dinners.”

When I was a nurse my favourite assignment was the anorexic ward. I sometimes ate as many as seventeen dinners.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I’m a terrible sort of non-fussy eater, really. I don’t like posh food very much, and the more ingredients something’s got in it, the less I tend to like it.”

I’m a terrible sort of non-fussy eater, really. I don’t like posh food very much, and the more ingredients something’s got in it, the less I tend to like it.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “My mum is bright, ambitious, well read, political and very bolshie: when my dad was conscripted into the Army and posted to Libya, she convinced some general to let her go with him. I don’t know how she managed it.”

My mum is bright, ambitious, well read, political and very bolshie: when my dad was conscripted into the Army and posted to Libya, she convinced some general to let her go with him. I don’t know how she managed it.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I used to get a lot of people saying ‘Oh, you are such a lucky granny.’ But the fact of the matter is you can be a grandma at 35 these days.”

I used to get a lot of people saying ‘Oh, you are such a lucky granny.’ But the fact of the matter is you can be a grandma at 35 these days.

— Jo Brand



Jo Brand Quote: “An overweight guy went to the doctor who advised him to try a keep fit DVD. But the guy said he couldn’t be bothered. “Well” suggested the doctor, “try something that leaves you a little short of breath.” So the buy took up smoking.”

An overweight guy went to the doctor who advised him to try a keep fit DVD. But the guy said he couldn’t be bothered. “Well” suggested the doctor, “try something that leaves you a little short of breath.” So the buy took up smoking.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “My ex-boyfriend can round last night, which was weird because I didn’t know he was in a coma.”

My ex-boyfriend can round last night, which was weird because I didn’t know he was in a coma.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I’ve been breastfeeding for two years. I could light the gas ring with my nipples.”

I’ve been breastfeeding for two years. I could light the gas ring with my nipples.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “People are so different in reality from the picture created of them on TV. So it’s all a creation; everything is made up.”

People are so different in reality from the picture created of them on TV. So it’s all a creation; everything is made up.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “Whatever situation you are in, that is what is normal for you.”

Whatever situation you are in, that is what is normal for you.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I don’t know if we will ever try again because those sort of things are very hard to organise but yes, I’ve known Doon for years and John as well but I hadn’t met Will before, and he turned out to be a good laugh.”

I don’t know if we will ever try again because those sort of things are very hard to organise but yes, I’ve known Doon for years and John as well but I hadn’t met Will before, and he turned out to be a good laugh.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “It wasn’t a conscious effort to have kids later. It was just the way life goes.”

It wasn’t a conscious effort to have kids later. It was just the way life goes.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “Men are fantastic – as a concept.”

Men are fantastic – as a concept.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “You look across the board at comedy quiz shows, and they are mainly hosted by men.”

You look across the board at comedy quiz shows, and they are mainly hosted by men.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “If you want to get a pet for your child, I suggest a chicken so that when they get bored of it after a couple of days at least you can have a nice roast dinner.”

If you want to get a pet for your child, I suggest a chicken so that when they get bored of it after a couple of days at least you can have a nice roast dinner.

— Jo Brand



Jo Brand Quote: “I pay a bit more than lip-service to health: I don’t eat chips or pre-prepared food, and it might be a comedy sacrilege to admit I do like vegetables, fruit and salad and stuff.”

I pay a bit more than lip-service to health: I don’t eat chips or pre-prepared food, and it might be a comedy sacrilege to admit I do like vegetables, fruit and salad and stuff.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “People can forgive each other.”

People can forgive each other.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I did try when I wasn’t doing the singing to do as much comedy as I could because I thought with Comic Relief you are duty bound to anyway.”

I did try when I wasn’t doing the singing to do as much comedy as I could because I thought with Comic Relief you are duty bound to anyway.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I like to read my diary occasionally to remind myself what a miserable, alienated old sod I used to be.”

I like to read my diary occasionally to remind myself what a miserable, alienated old sod I used to be.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “The comedian sticks as religiously to her theme as a dancer sticks to a diet.”

The comedian sticks as religiously to her theme as a dancer sticks to a diet.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “When you get to know someone, you find there’s something nasty in their woodshed.”

When you get to know someone, you find there’s something nasty in their woodshed.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I think some people ramp a side of themselves up for performance purposes.”

I think some people ramp a side of themselves up for performance purposes.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I’m not really a churchy person, although I do think Jesus was a good bloke.”

I’m not really a churchy person, although I do think Jesus was a good bloke.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “Wild men are so enormously attractive.”

Wild men are so enormously attractive.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I remember when Victoria Wood started to come through, and I thought she was great, though she and I are very different in our approach.”

I remember when Victoria Wood started to come through, and I thought she was great, though she and I are very different in our approach.

— Jo Brand



Jo Brand Quote: “Over the years I attempted to make my style a bit more relaxed ’cause the initial style you couldn’t watch for more than ten minutes without wanting to kill me.”

Over the years I attempted to make my style a bit more relaxed ’cause the initial style you couldn’t watch for more than ten minutes without wanting to kill me.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “What could be funnier than a fat person trying to run a marathon?”

What could be funnier than a fat person trying to run a marathon?

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I wouldn’t say I was organised at all. I just have to prioritise. Is it more important for them to be organised, or to have their dinner, do you know what I mean?”

I wouldn’t say I was organised at all. I just have to prioritise. Is it more important for them to be organised, or to have their dinner, do you know what I mean?

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “British ferries have stopped transporting live animals to the Continent. This has made it very difficult for England fans to get to Away matches.”

British ferries have stopped transporting live animals to the Continent. This has made it very difficult for England fans to get to Away matches.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “One thing Christians do have in common is that they can’t help coming across as smug.”

One thing Christians do have in common is that they can’t help coming across as smug.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “There are so many cliches associated with mental health – such as the ‘fine line between lunacy and genius’ – which are, on the whole, a load of rubbish.”

There are so many cliches associated with mental health – such as the ‘fine line between lunacy and genius’ – which are, on the whole, a load of rubbish.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “My mum always felt that women deserved as much as men, and should have as much power, so I suppose I opted to go into a very male-dominated arena to try and prove that.”

My mum always felt that women deserved as much as men, and should have as much power, so I suppose I opted to go into a very male-dominated arena to try and prove that.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I’ve never been a fan of euphemism.”

I’ve never been a fan of euphemism.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “I look like Julian Clary on steroids.”

I look like Julian Clary on steroids.

— Jo Brand


Jo Brand Quote: “So, my style has hopefully changed over the years and it is more relaxed, and I do tend to smile and have more than one expression these days hopefully – which I didn’t at the beginning.”

So, my style has hopefully changed over the years and it is more relaxed, and I do tend to smile and have more than one expression these days hopefully – which I didn’t at the beginning.

— Jo Brand


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