Top 50 Jo Brand Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.”

— Jo Brand

Featured in: National Chocolate Day Quotes

2. “Inside every fat person there’s a thin person looking to get out – They’ve just eaten them.”

— Jo Brand

3. “I took my husband to the hospital yesterday to have 17 stitches out – that’ll teach him to buy me a sewing kit for my birthday.”

— Jo Brand

4. “I’m a real Kentish maid, you know.”

— Jo Brand

5. “I think there’s a danger that we’re moving towards a state where the people we are expected to admire are almost not human anymore, and I don’t like that. I prefer it when someone looks like a nice person, and you think, ‘I could have a laugh with them in the pub.’”

— Jo Brand

6. “Everything becomes magnified at night. Sounds travel in a different way, it’s dark, and everything seems far more spooky.”

— Jo Brand

7. “Whatever situation you are in, that is what is normal for you.”

— Jo Brand

8. “When I got married, the Sun ran the headline: ‘Here comes the bride, all fat and wide.’ Luckily, it was a few days after the wedding – but it was still hideous to read at a great romantic moment.”

— Jo Brand

9. “I used to do bell ringing in Benenden church. It was really good fun, actually. My best friend’s dad was the local vicar, and so it was expected as her best friend that I would go to church every Sunday with her.”

— Jo Brand

Featured in: Fun Quotes

10. “There are problems with nursing – such as the issue of nurses all having to do degrees these days. But that doesn’t mean to say the entire infrastructure of nursing is falling about and that it is populated by unfeeling psychopaths, which is, frankly, the implication sometimes.”

— Jo Brand

11. “I’m a terrible sort of non-fussy eater, really. I don’t like posh food very much, and the more ingredients something’s got in it, the less I tend to like it.”

— Jo Brand

12. “I like to read my diary occasionally to remind myself what a miserable, alienated old sod I used to be.”

— Jo Brand

13. “I tend to think the world is a bit of a miserable place, so anyone who can add to people’s optimistic, cheerful side is doing a good job, which is what I hope I’m doing.”

— Jo Brand

14. “I don’t know if we will ever try again because those sort of things are very hard to organise but yes, I’ve known Doon for years and John as well but I hadn’t met Will before, and he turned out to be a good laugh.”

— Jo Brand

15. “You look across the board at comedy quiz shows, and they are mainly hosted by men.”

— Jo Brand

16. “My doctor told me I should get out of breath three times a week, so I took up smoking.”

— Jo Brand

17. “If you want to get a pet for your child, I suggest a chicken so that when they get bored of it after a couple of days at least you can have a nice roast dinner.”

— Jo Brand

18. “My ex-boyfriend can round last night, which was weird because I didn’t know he was in a coma.”

— Jo Brand

19. “My personal opinion is that you can’t be racist towards white people. You can be prejudiced about them, but being prejudiced isn’t an illegal act, whereas being racist can be.”

— Jo Brand

20. “When you cry, you don’t look very attractive; you look snotty and blotchy. People seem to manage to cry quite prettily these days, and to me, that smacks of not being very genuine.”

— Jo Brand

21. “Wild men are so enormously attractive.”

— Jo Brand

22. “What could be funnier than a fat person trying to run a marathon?”

— Jo Brand

23. “I made a supreme effort not to do that thing that parents do, which is to bore people without children to death by going on and on about how funny their children are, so there’s none of that hopefully.”

— Jo Brand

24. “When I was a nurse my favourite assignment was the anorexic ward. I sometimes ate as many as seventeen dinners.”

— Jo Brand

25. “I’ve been breastfeeding for two years. I could light the gas ring with my nipples.”

— Jo Brand

26. “One of the guys that used to run it – for some reason I’ve no idea why he used to call me the Sea Monster and I was just looking around for a name and thought that’ll do. That lasted for a couple of years probably.”

— Jo Brand

27. “I used to get a lot of people saying ‘Oh, you are such a lucky granny.’ But the fact of the matter is you can be a grandma at 35 these days.”

— Jo Brand

28. “Fat people are brilliant in bed. If I’m sitting on top of you, who’s going to argue?”

— Jo Brand

29. “It wasn’t a conscious effort to have kids later. It was just the way life goes.”

— Jo Brand

30. “I remember when Victoria Wood started to come through, and I thought she was great, though she and I are very different in our approach.”

— Jo Brand

31. “One thing Christians do have in common is that they can’t help coming across as smug.”

— Jo Brand

32. “There are so many cliches associated with mental health – such as the ‘fine line between lunacy and genius’ – which are, on the whole, a load of rubbish.”

— Jo Brand

33. “The comedian sticks as religiously to her theme as a dancer sticks to a diet.”

— Jo Brand

34. “I think some people ramp a side of themselves up for performance purposes.”

— Jo Brand

35. “Suffice to say, many women find their first appearance on a comedy panel show to be their last. Second chances seem to be given less often to the female of the species.”

— Jo Brand

36. “I think it’s really important to be kind, especially to people whose lives are grim – I try hard to cheer people up in as many ways as I can – if all else fails – I tell ’em a joke!”

— Jo Brand

37. “I did try when I wasn’t doing the singing to do as much comedy as I could because I thought with Comic Relief you are duty bound to anyway.”

— Jo Brand

38. “Men are fantastic – as a concept.”

— Jo Brand

39. “An overweight guy went to the doctor who advised him to try a keep fit DVD. But the guy said he couldn’t be bothered. “Well” suggested the doctor, “try something that leaves you a little short of breath.” So the buy took up smoking.”

— Jo Brand

40. “My mum is bright, ambitious, well read, political and very bolshie: when my dad was conscripted into the Army and posted to Libya, she convinced some general to let her go with him. I don’t know how she managed it.”

— Jo Brand

41. “When you get to know someone, you find there’s something nasty in their woodshed.”

— Jo Brand

42. “I’ve never been a fan of euphemism.”

— Jo Brand

43. “I’m not really a churchy person, although I do think Jesus was a good bloke.”

— Jo Brand

44. “People are so different in reality from the picture created of them on TV. So it’s all a creation; everything is made up.”

— Jo Brand

45. “So, my style has hopefully changed over the years and it is more relaxed, and I do tend to smile and have more than one expression these days hopefully – which I didn’t at the beginning.”

— Jo Brand

46. “Over the years I attempted to make my style a bit more relaxed ’cause the initial style you couldn’t watch for more than ten minutes without wanting to kill me.”

— Jo Brand

47. “There have been some very extreme hecklers in audiences whose bile was so hateful and so meant that it would be a bit frightening to think that all I’m doing is jokes and yet someone hates me that much.”

— Jo Brand

48. “Does anyone really go into nursing intending to be apathetic, cold and removed from suffering? I find that very difficult to believe.”

— Jo Brand

49. “I pay a bit more than lip-service to health: I don’t eat chips or pre-prepared food, and it might be a comedy sacrilege to admit I do like vegetables, fruit and salad and stuff.”

— Jo Brand

50. “I look like Julian Clary on steroids.”

— Jo Brand