Top 60 John M. Gottman Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse predict an ailing marriage: Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling and Contempt. The worst of these is contempt.”

— John M. Gottman

2. “Admit when you’re wrong. Shut up when you’re right.”

— John M. Gottman

3. “Marriages are much more likely to succeed when the couple experiences a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions whereas when the ratio approaches 1 to 1, marriages are more likely to end in divorce.”

— John M. Gottman

4. “In order to get to a healthier and more productive place, we need to give up our fear of conflict, turmoil and resistance.”

— John M. Gottman

5. “I believe we’re going to find that respect and affection are essential to all relationships working and contempt destroys them.”

— John M. Gottman

6. “You don’t have to be interesting. You have to be interested.”

— John M. Gottman

7. “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.”

— John M. Gottman

8. “Thus, the critical dimension in understanding whether a marriage will work or not, becomes the extent to which the male can accept the influence of the woman he loves and become socialized in emotional communication.”

— John M. Gottman

9. “In a good relationship, people get angry, but in a very different way. The Marriage Masters see a problem a bit like a soccer ball. They kick it around. It’s ‘our’ problem.”

— John M. Gottman

10. “When a couple gets to the last stage, one or both partners may have an affair. But an affair is usually a symptom of a dying marriage, not the cause. The end of that marriage could have been predicted long before either spouse strayed.”

— John M. Gottman

11. “Bid for connection: Each of our daily interactions with another person.”

— John M. Gottman

12. “Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.”

— John M. Gottman

13. “We move in response to our conversation partner’s face, and our brain also fires as we move those muscles and stirs the passions. Paralyzing the face is idiotic.”

— John M. Gottman

14. “Make dedicated, nonnegotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner. Don’t assume you know who they are today, just because you went to bed with them the night before. In short, never stop asking questions. But ask the right kind of questions.”

— John M. Gottman

15. “Happily ever after simply means that both partners are known, valued, accepted for who they are and who they are becoming. The goal is to be able to love your partner more deeply each and every year you’re together.”

— John M. Gottman

16. “You can spend a lifetime being curious about the inner world of your partner, and being brave enough to share your own inner world, and never be done discovering all there is to know about each other. It’s exciting.”

— John M. Gottman

17. “I liken an affair to the shattering of a Waterford crystal vase. You can glue it back together, but it will never be the same again.”

— John M. Gottman

18. “Negative Comps.” Rather than nurturing gratitude for what we have with our partner, we nurture resentment for what’s missing. When something is bothering us about our partner, rather than talking this over to get our needs met within the relationship, we fantasize about another relationship and how we might receive what is missing from our current relationship with this fantasy partner.”

— John M. Gottman

19. “When you negotiate with each other, it’s always from a point of self-interest, not mutual benefit. You haven’t built trust, or commitment, or a foundation of loyalty to each other because you’re not really in this relationship.”

— John M. Gottman

20. “Perfection is not the price of love. Practice is. We practice how to express our love and how to receive our partner’s love. Love is an action even more than a feeling. It requires intention and attention, a practice we call attunement.”

— John M. Gottman

21. “Every couple, in their daily life together, messes up communication, and every relationship has a potential “dark side.” It is a misconception that communication ought to be the norm in relationships. What may matter most is the ability of couples to repair things when they go wrong.”

— John M. Gottman

22. “There is no question that committing to a person can be a terrifying prospect. It means putting all our eggs in one basket.”

— John M. Gottman

23. “Carnegie was right when he wrote, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

— John M. Gottman

24. “The greatest gift a couple can give their baby is a loving relationship, because that relationship nourishes Baby’s development.”

— John M. Gottman

25. “Gay and lesbian relationships operate on essentially the same principles as heterosexual relationships.”

— John M. Gottman

26. “Once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind – but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.”

— John M. Gottman

27. “How people reacted to their partner’s bids for connection was in fact the biggest predictor of happiness and relationship stability. These fleeting little moments, it turned out, spelled the difference between happiness and unhappiness, between lasting love and divorce.”

— John M. Gottman

28. “Yes, it’s serious and important work, but we also want you to have fun. Find the moments of humor. Find the joy, even when it feels difficult. Don’t forget why you fell in love with each other, and most important, don’t forget to laugh.”

— John M. Gottman

29. “Betrayal is, fundamentally, any act or life choice that doesn’t prioritize the commitment and put the partner “before all others.”

— John M. Gottman

30. “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.”

— John M. Gottman

31. “When we make our relationship a priority by showing that it’s a priority, we build trust and demonstrate our loyalty far beyond any words we say in our wedding vows.”

— John M. Gottman

32. “The point is that neuroses don’t have to ruin a marriage. If you can accommodate each other’s “crazy” side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect, your marriage can thrive.”

— John M. Gottman

33. “Tiny little doses, every day, is what it takes to make a healthy relationship. Why? Because that’s exactly what a relationship is – not one big thing, but a million tiny things, every day, for a lifetime.”

— John M. Gottman

34. “Looking back over the years, what moments stand out as the really hard times in your relationship? What helped you stay together? How did you get through these difficult times? What are your ideas about how to get through difficult times?”

— John M. Gottman

35. “When parents offer their children empathy and help them to cope with negative feelings like anger, sadness, and fear, parents build bridges of loyalty and affection.”

— John M. Gottman

36. “The problem is that therapy that focuses solely on active listening and conflict resolution doesn’t work. A Munich-based marital therapy study conducted by Kurt Hahlweg and associates found that even after employing active-listening techniques the typical couple was still distressed. Those few couples who did benefit relapsed within a year.”

— John M. Gottman

37. “Haim Ginott,10 who said that all emotions and all wishes are acceptable, but that not all behavior may be acceptable.”

— John M. Gottman

38. “And when your family shares a deeper intimacy and respect, problems between family members will seem lighter to bear.”

— John M. Gottman

39. “When a child has that strong emotional connection with a parent, the parent’s upset, disappointment, or anger creates enough pain in the child to become a disciplinary event in itself.”

— John M. Gottman

40. “The opposite of play is not work – it’s depression.” When our lives are infused with play, we’re able to see the absurd in the serious and find excitement in the mundane. A relationship without play is a relationship without humor, without flirting, without games, and without fantasy. We all need humor, laughter, and play. Romance is play. Banter is play.”

— John M. Gottman

41. “Our gridlocked conflicts contain the potential for great intimacy between us. But we have to feel safe enough to pull our dreams out of the closet. When we wear them, our partner may glimpse how beautiful we are – fragile but shimmering. Then, with understanding, our partners may join us in being dream catchers, rather than dream shredders.”

— John M. Gottman

42. “Once the negative event is fully processed, it isn’t remembered very well. Dan Wile said that a lot of conflict is about the conversation the couple never had but needed to have.21 Instead of having the conversation they needed to have, they had the fight. The conversation they still need to have becomes evident when they attune.”

— John M. Gottman

43. “Active listening asks couples to perform Olympic-level emotional gymnastics even if their relationship can barely walk.”

— John M. Gottman

44. “Our partners don’t always have to think like we think. That’s what makes life interesting – it would be boring to be married to yourself. In fact, that’s called being single.”

— John M. Gottman

45. “Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.”

— John M. Gottman

46. “I’ve found 94 percent of the time that couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history are likely to have a happy future as well. When happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help.”

— John M. Gottman

47. “They don’t object to their children’s displays of anger, sadness, or fear. Nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and they use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them.”

— John M. Gottman

48. “I call the parents who get involved with their children’s feelings “Emotion Coaches.” Much like athletic coaches, they teach their children strategies to deal with life’s ups and downs. They don’t object to their children’s displays of anger, sadness, or fear. Nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and.”

— John M. Gottman

49. “Alice doesn’t look back and doesn’t question the adventure she’s chosen. That’s commitment.”

— John M. Gottman

50. “Life takes its toll on all relationships as careers, children, and crises can pull us away from each other.”

— John M. Gottman