Top 60 John M. Gottman Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse predict an ailing marriage: Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling and Contempt. The worst of these is contempt.”

— John M. Gottman

2. “Marriages are much more likely to succeed when the couple experiences a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions whereas when the ratio approaches 1 to 1, marriages are more likely to end in divorce.”

— John M. Gottman

3. “Admit when you’re wrong. Shut up when you’re right.”

— John M. Gottman

4. “In order to get to a healthier and more productive place, we need to give up our fear of conflict, turmoil and resistance.”

— John M. Gottman

5. “I believe we’re going to find that respect and affection are essential to all relationships working and contempt destroys them.”

— John M. Gottman

6. “You don’t have to be interesting. You have to be interested.”

— John M. Gottman

7. “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.”

— John M. Gottman

8. “Thus, the critical dimension in understanding whether a marriage will work or not, becomes the extent to which the male can accept the influence of the woman he loves and become socialized in emotional communication.”

— John M. Gottman

9. “In a good relationship, people get angry, but in a very different way. The Marriage Masters see a problem a bit like a soccer ball. They kick it around. It’s ‘our’ problem.”

— John M. Gottman

10. “When a couple gets to the last stage, one or both partners may have an affair. But an affair is usually a symptom of a dying marriage, not the cause. The end of that marriage could have been predicted long before either spouse strayed.”

— John M. Gottman

11. “Bid for connection: Each of our daily interactions with another person.”

— John M. Gottman

12. “Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.”

— John M. Gottman

13. “Every couple, in their daily life together, messes up communication, and every relationship has a potential “dark side.” It is a misconception that communication ought to be the norm in relationships. What may matter most is the ability of couples to repair things when they go wrong.”

— John M. Gottman

14. “Perfection is not the price of love. Practice is. We practice how to express our love and how to receive our partner’s love. Love is an action even more than a feeling. It requires intention and attention, a practice we call attunement.”

— John M. Gottman

15. “We move in response to our conversation partner’s face, and our brain also fires as we move those muscles and stirs the passions. Paralyzing the face is idiotic.”

— John M. Gottman

16. “Make dedicated, nonnegotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner. Don’t assume you know who they are today, just because you went to bed with them the night before. In short, never stop asking questions. But ask the right kind of questions.”

— John M. Gottman

17. “I liken an affair to the shattering of a Waterford crystal vase. You can glue it back together, but it will never be the same again.”

— John M. Gottman

18. “When you negotiate with each other, it’s always from a point of self-interest, not mutual benefit. You haven’t built trust, or commitment, or a foundation of loyalty to each other because you’re not really in this relationship.”

— John M. Gottman

19. “Happily ever after simply means that both partners are known, valued, accepted for who they are and who they are becoming. The goal is to be able to love your partner more deeply each and every year you’re together.”

— John M. Gottman

20. “If you discuss your values around trust and make a commitment together to respect those values with your actions, your relationship will flourish.”

— John M. Gottman

21. “You can spend a lifetime being curious about the inner world of your partner, and being brave enough to share your own inner world, and never be done discovering all there is to know about each other. It’s exciting.”

— John M. Gottman

22. “Negative Comps.” Rather than nurturing gratitude for what we have with our partner, we nurture resentment for what’s missing. When something is bothering us about our partner, rather than talking this over to get our needs met within the relationship, we fantasize about another relationship and how we might receive what is missing from our current relationship with this fantasy partner.”

— John M. Gottman

23. “Once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind – but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.”

— John M. Gottman

24. “How people reacted to their partner’s bids for connection was in fact the biggest predictor of happiness and relationship stability. These fleeting little moments, it turned out, spelled the difference between happiness and unhappiness, between lasting love and divorce.”

— John M. Gottman

25. “Betrayal is, fundamentally, any act or life choice that doesn’t prioritize the commitment and put the partner “before all others.”

— John M. Gottman

27. “There is no question that committing to a person can be a terrifying prospect. It means putting all our eggs in one basket.”

— John M. Gottman

28. “When we make our relationship a priority by showing that it’s a priority, we build trust and demonstrate our loyalty far beyond any words we say in our wedding vows.”

— John M. Gottman

29. “The opposite of play is not work – it’s depression.” When our lives are infused with play, we’re able to see the absurd in the serious and find excitement in the mundane. A relationship without play is a relationship without humor, without flirting, without games, and without fantasy. We all need humor, laughter, and play. Romance is play. Banter is play.”

— John M. Gottman

30. “Once the negative event is fully processed, it isn’t remembered very well. Dan Wile said that a lot of conflict is about the conversation the couple never had but needed to have.21 Instead of having the conversation they needed to have, they had the fight. The conversation they still need to have becomes evident when they attune.”

— John M. Gottman

31. “Life takes its toll on all relationships as careers, children, and crises can pull us away from each other.”

— John M. Gottman

32. “They don’t object to their children’s displays of anger, sadness, or fear. Nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and they use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them.”

— John M. Gottman

33. “I don’t think I’ve ever trusted anyone more in my life. And it all has to do with those conversations on the steps. He always showed up for me and he still always shows up for me and he notices when I need something, even sometimes before I consciously know what I need. He’s my best friend and the love of my life.”

— John M. Gottman

34. “At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.”

— John M. Gottman

35. “Alice doesn’t look back and doesn’t question the adventure she’s chosen. That’s commitment.”

— John M. Gottman

36. “Couples with a strong friendship have a lot more access to their humor, affection, and the positive energy that make it possible to have disagreements or to live with them in a much more constructive and creative way. It’s about earning and building up points.”

— John M. Gottman

37. “Couples who have learned to dialogue about their perpetual issues ask just such questions. They ask, “Is there a story behind this for you, maybe some childhood history that makes this so crucial for you?” They want to uncover not just the topmost feelings, but the deeper layers as well.”

— John M. Gottman

38. “Carnegie was right when he wrote, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

— John M. Gottman

39. “Create a plan together to minimize hurt feelings and avoid an incident in the future.”

— John M. Gottman

40. “Psychologist Sydney Jourard studied how many times people touched one another when they were out to dinner in several cities.18 In Paris the average number of times people touched one another in an hour was 115 times. In Mexico City the number was 185 times in an hour. In London the average was zero. In Gainesville, Florida, the average was 2.”

— John M. Gottman

41. “Life always shows up with all its stresses and strains and crises, and how you manage these together can ultimately make or break you.”

— John M. Gottman

42. “I have a commitment to myself to grow from my failures.”

— John M. Gottman

43. “When we fall in love we are often on our very best behavior. We lead with the healthiest side of ourselves. But as relationships progress, each person gets more real, more transparent, and therefore more vulnerable.”

— John M. Gottman

44. “I would like you to respect me” isn’t as good as, “I would like you to turn off your electronic devices at dinner so we can just talk to each other.”

— John M. Gottman

45. “The greatest gift a couple can give their baby is a loving relationship, because that relationship nourishes Baby’s development.”

— John M. Gottman

46. “Gay and lesbian relationships operate on essentially the same principles as heterosexual relationships.”

— John M. Gottman

47. “Tiny little doses, every day, is what it takes to make a healthy relationship. Why? Because that’s exactly what a relationship is – not one big thing, but a million tiny things, every day, for a lifetime.”

— John M. Gottman

48. “Yes, it’s serious and important work, but we also want you to have fun. Find the moments of humor. Find the joy, even when it feels difficult. Don’t forget why you fell in love with each other, and most important, don’t forget to laugh.”

— John M. Gottman

49. “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.”

— John M. Gottman

50. “And when your family shares a deeper intimacy and respect, problems between family members will seem lighter to bear.”

— John M. Gottman