Top 100

Top 100 Johnny Carson Quotes (2024 Update)

Johnny Carson Quote: “Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, “if you want it your way, cook it yourself.””
Johnny Carson Quote: “An oxymoron? What’s that? A moron who studies at Oxford?”
Johnny Carson Quote: “I have no use for eight houses, 88 cars and 500 suits. I can’t eat but one steak at a time. I don’t want but one woman. It’s silly to have as one’s sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Money gives me just one big thing that’s really important, and that’s the freedom of not having to worry about money.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “When turkeys mate they think of swans.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “As long as I don’t commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you’re welcome to think whatever you want about me.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “According to statistics, it’s a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don’t hear from your relatives.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “If you’re happy in what you’re doing, you’ll like yourself, you’ll have inner peace.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “He’s so fat, he can be his own running mate.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Audiences have proved time and again that they don’t want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views – especially if he’s a comedian.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Air Canada. That’s a good name for a Canadian airline.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, “It was all right but I liked the book better.””
Johnny Carson Quote: “I work because I enjoy what I’m doing, and the fact that I make money at it – big money – is a fine-and-dandy side fact.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “What’s all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?”
Johnny Carson Quote: “When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “I’ve worked ever since I was a kid with a two-bit kit of magic tricks trying to improve my skills at entertaining whatever public I had – and to make myself ready, whenever the breaks came, to entertain a wider and more demanding public.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “I owe one thing to my public – the best performance I can give.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Only lie about the future.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “I don’t think it’s you that changes with success – it’s the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Democracy is buying a big house you can’t afford with money you don’t have to impress people you wish were dead.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “I don’t run with anybody’s herd. I don’t like crowds. I don’t like going to fancy places. I don’t like the whole nightclub scene. Cocktail parties drive me mad. So I do my job and I stay away from the rest of it.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “There’s a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I’m far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that’s pretty solid, that does it for me.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there’s something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it’s ear.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that’s Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “NBC’s a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too, so they’re changing Irving R. Levine’s name to Scud Shrapnel.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn’t seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “I’m an entertainer, not a commentator. If you’re a comedian your job is to make people laugh.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “Whatever you do, you’re going to be criticized.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “There’s only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I’m secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don’t need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.”
Johnny Carson Quote: “In Hollywood if you don’t have a shrink, people think you’re crazy.”
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