Top 140 Lani Lynn Vale Quotes (2026 Update)
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51. “Knowing what you cannot do is more important than knowing what you can. -Lucille Ball.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

52. “I’m fat because I’m full of experiences. Experiences that took place at a Mexican restaurant.-Oakley’s secret thoughts.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

53. “I read to escape reality, not to have reality intrude in my fairytales.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

54. “I don’t understand your specific brand of crazy, but I do commend your devotion to it. -Truth to his ex.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

55. “I take super hot showers because I like to practice burning in hell. -Kitt to Ridley Kitt.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

56. “They say laughter is the best medicine. They lie. Its brownies. -E-card Jack.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

57. “Admit it. You sleep with your feet covered because you’re too afraid of something touching them in the middle of the night. -Food for thought.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

58. “Life is so boring when you don’t have an online order to look forward to.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

59. “It’s hard to find a sister that’s caring, loving, sweet, generous, and a good listener. So be gentle with me, and try not to lose me. -Tasha.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

60. “There is a fine line between wearing makeup and looking like Crayola gangbanged your face.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

61. “Don’t half ass anything. Whatever you do, use your full ass. -Coffee Cup.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

62. “Don’t be a twatsicle.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

63. “The most deadly mammal on the planet is a silent, smiling woman. -Note to self.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

64. “I’m sorry for the things I said when you woke me up. Next time just bring me coffee and run. Fast. -Sincerely, not a morning person.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

65. “Why are there upper and lowercase letters, but not numbers? Sometimes I want to write loud numbers, and I can’t do that since there aren’t any uppercase numbers.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

66. “A book a day keeps reality away. -Coffee Cup Codie.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

67. “Why is it so hard to draw a star without the lines in the middle? -One of life’s unanswered questions.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

68. “I’m sorry for what I said when you tried to wake me up. I don’t control that me. -Rue to Cleo Rue.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

69. “Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to see the crazy in the eyes. -Life Lesson.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

70. “Tall, blonde, tatted, sexy, and a devoted father. I think I’ll need some new panties now. -Reese’s secret thoughts.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

71. “We all have that one friend you need to say ‘be nice’ to before you introduce them to someone. I’m that friend. -Audrey’s secret thoughts.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

72. “She asked me to say something sexy to her, so I whispered, “I’m a fireman.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

73. “There’s a fine line to how much stupidity I can take before it exceeds the limits of my medication. And unfortunately for you, you just crossed it. -Mig to perp.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

74. “The object of war is not to die for your country, but make the other bastard die for his. -George S. Patton.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

75. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will probably be put on YouTube by the time you make bail. -Fact of life.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

76. “I may not voice my opinion often, but when I do you need to shut your filthy, donkey humping mouth and listen to what I have to say. -Word of advice.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

77. “Roses are dead, violets are fine. This day sucks balls. I love this wine.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

78. “After watching copious amounts of crime shows, I concluded that serial killers only target young attractive women with matching panty and bra sets. I feel much safer now.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

79. “I’m not sure if Target knows this, but there’s a whole demographic of women who want to wear shorts that don’t show off their twat.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

80. “If I’m in a parking space about to back out, and you honk at me, you better believe I’ll sit there until I die. -Fact of Life.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

81. “Do you want to know what I got for Christmas? Fat. I got fat.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

82. “When we get old, I want you to move into the same nursing home as me, so then when I start forgetting who I am, we can become new friends.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

83. “I didn’t mean to gain this much weight. It happened by snackcident.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

84. “I don’t jump to conclusions. I cannonball into them like a motherfuckin’ boss.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

85. “If it has tires or testicles, it’s going to give you problems.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

86. “Adulthood is like looking both ways to cross a street only to get hit by a falling object. Unpredictable and headache inducing.” – fact of life.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

87. “You know you have the key to a man’s heart when you have the keys to his truck. ‘Cause there’s no fuckin way he’d give those up if he wasn’t planning on taking payment in orgasms later. -Life Lesson.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

88. “I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my comforter up last night. If that doesn’t accurately sum up my day, I don’t know what does.” – Apple to Ridley.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

89. “Sisters are like fat thighs. They stick together. -T-shirt.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

90. “That was my go-to emotion lately. When I wanted to scream, I stayed silent. When I wanted to cry, hit something or complain, I stayed silent.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

91. “More than I need my next breath. More than I need a drink in the middle of an Iraqi sand storm. More than I wanted sleep during Hell Week,” I whispered, looking deeply into her eyes. “More than absolutely anything. More than my own happiness. More than my own life. That’s how much I love you.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

92. “They say I have a mild case of PTSD. One that doesn’t really make itself known until it’s the dark of night.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

93. “I hate it when I’m trying to eat a salad, it falls on the floor, and I have to eat tacos instead. -Text from Audrey to Tobias.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

94. “A lot of people didn’t like cops just on general principle. They had no problem calling us when they were in need of our services, though. Even the ones that had a problem with our authority, like.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

95. “Throw me to the wolves, and I’ll return leading the whole goddamned pack. -Fact of Life Aaron.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

96. “Nine out of ten children get their awesomeness from their mother.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

97. “I hope you fall down with your hands in your pockets. -E-Card.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

98. “Everyone loves my cooking. Even the smoke alarm cheers me on. -Kitchen sign.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

99. “Chapter 14 Do you ever wonder why they didn’t make the Pringles can big enough for normal people to fit their hands into? If they did, I wouldn’t have to pour them directly into my mouth. -Miller to Trance.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

100. “And the Satan said, ‘Put the alphabet in math... ’ – coffee cup.”

— Lani Lynn Vale