Top 140 Lani Lynn Vale Quotes (2026 Update)
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51. “I don’t understand your specific brand of crazy, but I do commend your devotion to it. -Truth to his ex.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

52. “I take super hot showers because I like to practice burning in hell. -Kitt to Ridley Kitt.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

53. “Admit it. You sleep with your feet covered because you’re too afraid of something touching them in the middle of the night. -Food for thought.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

54. “They say laughter is the best medicine. They lie. Its brownies. -E-card Jack.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

55. “Life is so boring when you don’t have an online order to look forward to.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

56. “It’s hard to find a sister that’s caring, loving, sweet, generous, and a good listener. So be gentle with me, and try not to lose me. -Tasha.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

57. “Don’t half ass anything. Whatever you do, use your full ass. -Coffee Cup.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

58. “The most deadly mammal on the planet is a silent, smiling woman. -Note to self.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

59. “I read to escape reality, not to have reality intrude in my fairytales.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

60. “Why are there upper and lowercase letters, but not numbers? Sometimes I want to write loud numbers, and I can’t do that since there aren’t any uppercase numbers.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

61. “Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out. -Memphis to her dad.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

62. “There is a fine line between wearing makeup and looking like Crayola gangbanged your face.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

63. “Tall, blonde, tatted, sexy, and a devoted father. I think I’ll need some new panties now. -Reese’s secret thoughts.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

64. “We all have that one friend you need to say ‘be nice’ to before you introduce them to someone. I’m that friend. -Audrey’s secret thoughts.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

65. “She asked me to say something sexy to her, so I whispered, “I’m a fireman.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

66. “Don’t be a twatsicle.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

67. “I may not voice my opinion often, but when I do you need to shut your filthy, donkey humping mouth and listen to what I have to say. -Word of advice.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

68. “A book a day keeps reality away. -Coffee Cup Codie.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

69. “Why is it so hard to draw a star without the lines in the middle? -One of life’s unanswered questions.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

70. “After watching copious amounts of crime shows, I concluded that serial killers only target young attractive women with matching panty and bra sets. I feel much safer now.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

71. “Roses are dead, violets are fine. This day sucks balls. I love this wine.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

72. “Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to see the crazy in the eyes. -Life Lesson.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

73. “I’m sorry for what I said when you tried to wake me up. I don’t control that me. -Rue to Cleo Rue.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

74. “I’m not sure if Target knows this, but there’s a whole demographic of women who want to wear shorts that don’t show off their twat.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

75. “If I’m in a parking space about to back out, and you honk at me, you better believe I’ll sit there until I die. -Fact of Life.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

76. “There’s a fine line to how much stupidity I can take before it exceeds the limits of my medication. And unfortunately for you, you just crossed it. -Mig to perp.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

77. “I’m sorry for the things I said when you woke me up. Next time just bring me coffee and run. Fast. -Sincerely, not a morning person.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

78. “The object of war is not to die for your country, but make the other bastard die for his. -George S. Patton.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

79. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will probably be put on YouTube by the time you make bail. -Fact of life.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

80. “When we get old, I want you to move into the same nursing home as me, so then when I start forgetting who I am, we can become new friends.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

81. “I didn’t mean to gain this much weight. It happened by snackcident.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

82. “I don’t jump to conclusions. I cannonball into them like a motherfuckin’ boss.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

83. “Adulthood is like looking both ways to cross a street only to get hit by a falling object. Unpredictable and headache inducing.” – fact of life.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

84. “You know you have the key to a man’s heart when you have the keys to his truck. ‘Cause there’s no fuckin way he’d give those up if he wasn’t planning on taking payment in orgasms later. -Life Lesson.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

85. “I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my comforter up last night. If that doesn’t accurately sum up my day, I don’t know what does.” – Apple to Ridley.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

86. “Sisters are like fat thighs. They stick together. -T-shirt.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

87. “More than I need my next breath. More than I need a drink in the middle of an Iraqi sand storm. More than I wanted sleep during Hell Week,” I whispered, looking deeply into her eyes. “More than absolutely anything. More than my own happiness. More than my own life. That’s how much I love you.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

88. “Do you want to know what I got for Christmas? Fat. I got fat.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

89. “I hope you fall down with your hands in your pockets. -E-Card.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

90. “Chapter 14 Do you ever wonder why they didn’t make the Pringles can big enough for normal people to fit their hands into? If they did, I wouldn’t have to pour them directly into my mouth. -Miller to Trance.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

91. “And the Satan said, ‘Put the alphabet in math... ’ – coffee cup.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

92. “I want to have enough money to decide for myself if money solves everything. -E-card.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

93. “If he puts his hand on your head to keep you from bumping it when he helps you in the car. -You might be a police wife.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

94. “His eyes never wavered, but the sparkle in his eyes told me he was amused by my nervousness. They pretty much said, ‘As well you should be. I’m about to devour you.’ His white.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

95. “I’m not a violent person unless you wake me up early. Even a minute early. Ever do that again, and I’ll cut you. -Text from Tasha to Annie Mig.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

96. “My heart bleeds as I think about losing the man that I compared all my potential husband’s to. -Blake.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

97. “If she’s honest, caring, makes you breakfast, picks up after you, does your laundry without asking, lets you play Xbox, brings you beer, and lets you touch her ass, marry her. Yesterday. -Casten’s delusional thoughts Tasha.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

98. “As I listened to his retreat, and Kosher’s claws following in his wake, I felt around for Radar’s head and pulled him in close to my chest. Then I whispered the same prayer that I did every time he left me to go on shift. “Keep him safe, day and night. Give him courage, strength and might.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

99. “I solemnly swear that I’m up to no good. -Blake before she eats a package of Oreos.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

100. “Sometimes, Rome, you have to move past the fear, or you’ll never live again. Sometimes, you have to ride that fear and hope it doesn’t kill you the next time death sneaks up on you.”

— Lani Lynn Vale