Top 140 Lani Lynn Vale Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “Why are there upper and lowercase letters, but not numbers? Sometimes I want to write loud numbers, and I can’t do that since there aren’t any uppercase numbers.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

52. “Don’t half ass anything. Whatever you do, use your full ass. -Coffee Cup.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

53. “They say laughter is the best medicine. They lie. Its brownies. -E-card Jack.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

54. “Be a unicorn, not a twatapotamus.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

55. “She asked me to say something sexy to her, so I whispered, “I’m a fireman.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

56. “My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where even I don’t know whether I’m kidding or not. -T-shirt.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

57. “I’m sorry for what I said when you tried to wake me up. I don’t control that me. -Rue to Cleo Rue.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

58. “I’m not sure if Target knows this, but there’s a whole demographic of women who want to wear shorts that don’t show off their twat.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

59. “Firemen never die, they just burn forever in the hearts of the people whose lives they saved.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

60. “We all have that one friend you need to say ‘be nice’ to before you introduce them to someone. I’m that friend. -Audrey’s secret thoughts.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

61. “I read to escape reality, not to have reality intrude in my fairytales.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

62. “The most deadly mammal on the planet is a silent, smiling woman. -Note to self.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

63. “Probably because your boobs are too big and require too much oxygen to fuel your brain like most normal human beings.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

64. “I may not voice my opinion often, but when I do you need to shut your filthy, donkey humping mouth and listen to what I have to say. -Word of advice.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

65. “If one is not meant to have a midnight snack... then why is there a light in the fridge? -One.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

66. “Tall, blonde, tatted, sexy, and a devoted father. I think I’ll need some new panties now. -Reese’s secret thoughts.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

67. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will probably be put on YouTube by the time you make bail. -Fact of life.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

68. “I’m sorry for the things I said when you woke me up. Next time just bring me coffee and run. Fast. -Sincerely, not a morning person.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

69. “Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to see the crazy in the eyes. -Life Lesson.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

70. “A book a day keeps reality away. -Coffee Cup Codie.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

71. “Do you want to know what I got for Christmas? Fat. I got fat.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

72. “After watching copious amounts of crime shows, I concluded that serial killers only target young attractive women with matching panty and bra sets. I feel much safer now.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

73. “More than I need my next breath. More than I need a drink in the middle of an Iraqi sand storm. More than I wanted sleep during Hell Week,” I whispered, looking deeply into her eyes. “More than absolutely anything. More than my own happiness. More than my own life. That’s how much I love you.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

74. “There’s a fine line to how much stupidity I can take before it exceeds the limits of my medication. And unfortunately for you, you just crossed it. -Mig to perp.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

75. “Don’t be a twatsicle.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

76. “You know you have the key to a man’s heart when you have the keys to his truck. ‘Cause there’s no fuckin way he’d give those up if he wasn’t planning on taking payment in orgasms later. -Life Lesson.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

77. “I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my comforter up last night. If that doesn’t accurately sum up my day, I don’t know what does.” – Apple to Ridley.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

78. “Adulthood is like looking both ways to cross a street only to get hit by a falling object. Unpredictable and headache inducing.” – fact of life.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

79. “If I’m in a parking space about to back out, and you honk at me, you better believe I’ll sit there until I die. -Fact of Life.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

80. “I’m going to get some glow in the dark shoes so I can enlighten your ass.-Katy’s secret thoughts.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

81. “Sisters are like fat thighs. They stick together. -T-shirt.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

82. “Sometimes, Rome, you have to move past the fear, or you’ll never live again. Sometimes, you have to ride that fear and hope it doesn’t kill you the next time death sneaks up on you.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

83. “It’s the man’s job to figure out what the woman likes, what will bring out the wild in her.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

84. “Legos, the most deadly form of home security. -Truth.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

85. “Nine out of ten children get their awesomeness from their mother.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

86. “I solemnly swear that I’m up to no good. -Blake before she eats a package of Oreos.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

87. “I want to have enough money to decide for myself if money solves everything. -E-card.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

88. “I hate you. Not in an ‘I hope you die’ kind of way, but more like I hope you develop an allergy to chocolate and cheese kind of way. -Coffee Cup.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

89. “I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question. -Spock.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

90. “If she’s honest, caring, makes you breakfast, picks up after you, does your laundry without asking, lets you play Xbox, brings you beer, and lets you touch her ass, marry her. Yesterday. -Casten’s delusional thoughts Tasha.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

91. “I hate it when I’m trying to eat a salad, it falls on the floor, and I have to eat tacos instead. -Text from Audrey to Tobias.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

92. “I don’t jump to conclusions. I cannonball into them like a motherfuckin’ boss.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

93. “Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out. -Memphis to her dad.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

94. “Chapter 14 Do you ever wonder why they didn’t make the Pringles can big enough for normal people to fit their hands into? If they did, I wouldn’t have to pour them directly into my mouth. -Miller to Trance.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

95. “The only worthwhile birth control is listening to a baby scream for 6 hours straight while you’re puking and haven’t eaten anything in four days. -Reese to Georgia.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

96. “And the Satan said, ‘Put the alphabet in math... ’ – coffee cup.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

97. “I’m not a violent person unless you wake me up early. Even a minute early. Ever do that again, and I’ll cut you. -Text from Tasha to Annie Mig.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

98. “Some people care too much. I think it’s called love. -Winnie the Pooh.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

99. “That was my go-to emotion lately. When I wanted to scream, I stayed silent. When I wanted to cry, hit something or complain, I stayed silent.”

— Lani Lynn Vale

100. “I would do Christian Grey-ish things to you.”

— Lani Lynn Vale